Your child is at a very precious age; your son or daughter is learning how to talk, telling you what they want for dinner—and hitting their younger, defenseless sibling on a pretty regular basis. How do you address this type of behavior, while still celebrating all the wonderful things come with being the proud parent of a toddler? How do you let your son or daughter know that you love him or her, but can’t always support their behavior?

Address the action, not the child.

When you’re disciplining your child, make sure your son or daughter knows that you’re trying to get them to discontinue negative behavior, and that you aren’t devaluing them. Even though toddlers are young, they are more in touch with their feelings than adults can tell. Just because your young son or daughter can’t articulate their feelings all that well yet, they do know when they feel attacked, and are likely to continue acting out if your approach is wrong.

For instance, when you see your toddler hitting other children or refusing to share, pull him or her to the side and explain that what they’re doing isn’t nice. This is different from saying “You’re being bad” or “You’re a mean boy/girl.” Instead, tell your toddler that it’s important to be nice to friends, and that sharing is the right thing to do. The toddler years are also a good time to introduce the Golden Rule. One of the best ways to teach your children a lesson on sharing or good social behavior is to convey that you shouldn’t do something to someone that you don’t want them to do to you.

Ask your children questions like “Don’t you like it when your friends share with you?” or “When your friends are nice to you and don’t hit you, doesn’t that make you feel good?” If your toddlers can tell in your tone that you are reprimanding their actions, but still love them, they are less likely to continue the negative behavior.