The language of love is made of the same words as everyday speech. Though your intentions may be slightly different from what they usually are when you are looking for a date, certain mannerisms of communication will still be the same. The secret of attraction is paying attention to the differences of communication styles between the genders. Understanding these differences can help you to avoid simple misunderstandings that can lead to your soul-mate giving you a fake smile and a fake telephone number.

Body Language

Even before the word “Hello,” slips through your lips, you are communicating with the object of your greeting. People naturally raise their eyebrows slightly when someone attractive comes into their view. This gesture is not a huge phenomenon like it is when a cartoon character sees a well endowed female and says, “Hubba-hubba.” It is a rather subtle gesture. Also, people tend to point themselves toward the object of their affection. These two characteristics of affectionate body language are fairly gender-neutral. You can keep them in mind the next time you are on the prowl for a potential partner in love.

Subtle body gestures like the ones illustrated in the above paragraph illustrate the importance of body language. In fact, most communication that occurs is actually non-verbal. Because pointing toward and raising eyebrows at attractive people are gestures that are common in both men and women, those gestures are usually perceived as ‘good vibes’ by both genders. The next time you get that feeling or vibe that someone is attracted to you, take not of that person’s body language. Also, watch your own body language when you are in contact with someone that you think is attractive.

Differences in Body Language

Despite the contemporary taboo to place men and women in specific gender roles, societal influences are somewhat reflected in the way men and women communicate non-verbally. From childhood, women are taught to be demure. They take up as little space as possible by crossing their feet, folding their hands on their laps, and keeping their limbs close to their bodies. In contrast, men assume relaxed positions with their legs apart. When men are standing, they will keep their stance further apart then women, and when they lean against something, they will take on a larger angle. In general, women will naturally assume what is called a ‘closed’ position. Folded arms and feet give a non-verbal cue of non-interest.

Since men are natural space-hogs and naturally assume ‘open’ positions, their non-verbal cues may be somewhat forthcoming to women.

Differences in Facial Expressions

Women are more likely than men to stay focused on a speaker’s face. They will watch for emotional cues, and sometimes mirror the speaker’s expression to show that she is paying attention. Psychological studies using images of various faces have shown that women are much quicker than men at recognizing emotional features of facial expressions. In contrast, men are less likely to look at a speaker’s face. Verbal responses to facial expressions are minimal for men. Men will normally look at a speaker’s face only to gauge appropriate timings for responses. Because of these differences, a woman might assume that the man is not paying attention to her, and may internalize his non-verbal cues to mean that he is really not interested in her. She may simply stop speaking and close herself to him.

Another response that a woman might have to the perception that he is not really listening to her is to repeat or clarify herself. Her repetitions and clarifications will create a persona of someone to rambles, or talks too much.

Noticing Attraction

As mentioned in the paragraph above, women tend to be keener on emotional cues. In fact, women have four times more neurons connecting their left and right brains than men do. Women also have three times more areas of the brain dedicated to evaluating behavior then men have. This difference in cognitive mechanics means that women are more likely to notice if a man is attracted to her or not. The flip side to this recognition factor is that men are less likely to notices non-verbal cues of attraction. Because of that, a woman might flirt with a man then be surprised to find that he is not responding to her. Simply stated, he might not even recognize that she is flirting with him.

Verbal Differences

Men are usually more straight-forward with their communication than women. Instead of saying, “Perhaps you might like to go to the beach,” a man might say, “Let’s go to the beach.” Women, in general, are more likely to use polite phrases, filler words, and questions. As part of the societal norm to be demure, women will structure their language so they will not appear bossy. A common example of this is when a man asks the woman which restaurant she’d like to go. “It doesn’t matter,” or, “Where would you like to go,” are very common responses.

This type of communication barrier can give the man the impression that the woman is insecure, when she is really trying to be polite. Women might think the man is being too forthcoming, or controlling, when he really wouldn’t mind if she objected.

Secrets of Attraction

Here is a short list of what you can do to fine-tune your dating style:

• Watch for the non-verbal cues of attraction and approach those people.
• Make eye contact with your date and mirror his or her body language. Mirroring body language gives the perception of an unspoken connection.
• Women: Don't be afraid to be yourself. If you want to go to 'Bongo Mama's Chitlin Shack' instead of 'Le Chateau de Filet Mignon,' then say so.
• Women: Remember that men are less responsive to non-verbal cues. Step up your flirting just a notch if you want to get his attention.
• Men: Be sure to show her that you are listening to her. Mirror some of her non-verbal cues, and respond to her by asking some questions about what she just said rather than only responding with information about yourself. For example, you can respond with "Really? You used to live in Idaho? What was that like?" instead of "I've never been to Idaho."
• Men: Though eye contact is important, be sure not to stare at her. That deep trance-like stare can actually be a little scary. Be sure to make eye-contact during conversation. Before a date actually happens, know that a long stare might not be roping them in. Make subtle eye-contact at first, and wait for the conversation kicks it up a notch before really studying her face.
• Try to keep an 'open' body position. Pay attention to how you are leaning and whether your arms, hands, legs, or feet are crossed.
• Try using body language that says you are attracted to the other person on purpose. Keep your body pointed toward the other person, and slightly raise your eyebrows when the other person speaks to you.