Defining Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse or domestic violence is abuse that occurs in the home. It can include physical assault, threatening with a weapon, objects being thrown, and/or verbal abuse, including yelling. While physical abuse is easier to recognize, i.e. often the victim has bruises, scars, etc., verbal abuse isn’t as easily recognizable. Some think verbal abuse equals yelling and screaming. However, verbal abuse can also take the shape of the abuser constantly criticizing the victim; taking away her self-esteem and making her feel worthless.

Appropriate/Inappropriate Behavior in the Home

Home should be a place we look forward to at the end of the day. It should be a place of security and safety. Your home should be a place where you can relax. If you feel your stomach knot up when leaving work each day, ask yourself why. Why do you feel apprehensive about going home? What causes this effect in you? Are you in an abusive relationship?

Guilt

Often the victim of domestic abuse feels guilt. She may blame herself for being battered. She may feel if she had only done this or done that, everything would have been okay and her abuser wouldn’t have reacted the way he did. Frequently it’s hard for a victim to realize that she does not deserve such cruel treatment. She needs to know that she is worthy of respect and does not have to submit to such cruel behavior. Counseling may be necessary to restore a victim’s self-esteem and self-worth.

Causes of Domestic Abuse

It’s common that abusers have come from homes filled with violence or anger. They’ve been taught that is a ‘normal’ way to handle difficult situations. However, this is no excuse to overlook or accept violent behavior. Many times an abuser believes his inappropriate behavior has solved his past problems and uses abuse to solve the problems he faces today. For those prone to abuse others, the following are causes that can trigger an episode of abuse:

• Anger
• Jealousy
• Hopelessness
• Depression
• Emotional stress
• Financial stress

Who Are the Abusers?

Although over 90% of abusers are men, women have also been guilty of domestic violence. Abuse can occur during a relationship or after the relationship has ended. Domestic abuse affects families of all educational backgrounds, religions, races, and socio-economic conditions. The abuser may seem perfectly normal to his friends, neighbors, and co-workers. However, he has a ‘need’ to control others, and he has convinced himself it is his ‘right’ to be in control. An abuser will blame his partner for his abuse and also minimize the impact, claiming she is ‘blowing everything out of proportion.’ Some believe their partner to be their ‘property’ and therefore are obsessively jealous. Another sign of an abuser is cruelty not only to humans, but to animals as well.

Signs of Domestic Abuse

The following are signs of both verbal and physical domestic abuse:

• Victim is socially isolated
• Victim has bruises, broken bones
• Victim’s fear of the abuser
• Victim’s defensiveness of abuser
• Victim’s justification of abuser’s violence
• Victim is depressed/has low self-esteem
• Victim has frequent absences and is late to work
• Victim has an inability to work
• Victim has a lack of trust in others
• Victim experiences anxiety attacks

Effects on Children

Whether children are victims of domestic violence or of just witnessing it, they are affected. They may become violent themselves, or they may withdraw within themselves. They may also have low self-esteem. As they age, these children are more prone to use illegal drugs, commit crimes, have behavior problems in school, and commit suicide. Later in life, they may become abusers themselves. Many times a victim will stay with the father of her children ‘for the sake of the children.’ If the father is an abuser, removing the children from the situation would be more beneficial.

Leaving the Relationship

Leaving may be extremely difficult for a victim. Chances are she will have ties to the abuser such as children, financial stability, or emotional dependence. When thinking of leaving an abusive relationship, it’s imperative to locate and contact any shelters in the area that deal with battered women. Also, legal help is advisable as well. Furthermore, emotional support from friends and family will help a victim make the break. Additionally, checking with one’s employer to see if they have an employee assistance program for domestic violence can be helpful.

Making a Plan

While an abusive relationship is dangerous, the risk of danger increases when the victim plans to leave. It’s not uncommon for an abuser to become more threatening. A victim should NEVER tell her abuser she is leaving until after she has a safety plan in place. This ensures her safety as well as the safety of her children. Steps she should follow should include:

• Secure important documents such as birth certificates, insurance cards, bank records, and address books in a location outside the home. You may also want to keep extra cash handy as well.
• Keep extra clothing, toiletries, and cash in your car.
• Let dependable friends/relatives know about your situation. Create a code in case you need to call them for help. Keep them aware of your activities.
• Review safety plans with your children, letting them know a safe place they can go, preferably a trusted neighbor’s house. Teach them how to call 911.
• Keep a cell phone in an easily accessible place. Many domestic abuse programs provide these to victims at no charge.
• Be sure schools know who has your permission to pick up your children at school.
• If you need to get away, it’s best to stay at a shelter rather than a place where your abuser knows you will be.
• Get a restraining order to protect you legally at home, your place of work, or to protect your children at school.
• If you have to go to the hospital due to the abuse, have the doctor document it.
• Join a support group.
• Keep the National Domestic Violence hotline handy- 1-800-799-SAFE. (English and Spanish options are available).
• Find a lawyer or advocate that specializes in domestic abuse cases.

After the Abuser has left

Once the abuser is gone, a victim needs to make sure she is safe. Many times, due to his controlling nature, an abuser may stalk his victim and persuade her, by force, to restore the relationship. A victim needs to ensure she and/or her children are safe in their home. Home safety precautions include not staying alone, changing all locks immediately, installing outside lighting and a security system, never inviting the abuser inside. At work, the victim should let her supervisor know a restraining order is in place. She may need to provide a picture to security. Her human resources department can inform her of what steps to take to keep her and her co-workers safe. Keep any record of harassing phone calls or emails. Whether traveling to work or school, a victim should vary her route.

The Next Relationship

Many victims, once away from their abuser, do not like to be alone. They may return to the abusive relationship several times before making a break. Sometimes, they find another relationship. A victim of domestic violence may feel as if they have been ‘emotionally’ alone for too long. Before jumping into a new relationship, however, she needs to find out who she is or she is at risk of getting into another abusive relationship. Chances are her self-esteem is low and she is vulnerable. The key is not to get desperate. Anyone worth his salt will wait until the healing process is complete. In this case, counseling can be invaluable.

Life after abuse

Although it may take months or years to muster the courage to end an abusive relationship, life does go on. Over time and with counseling and support, a victim can rebuild her self-esteem and have healthy relationships with others. Gaining strength from support groups can go a long way to repairing the damage done by an abuser. Rather than being a place of fearfulness, home can once again become a place of safety, security, and satisfaction, for both the victim and her children. She can rest in the knowledge that, through courage, she conquered a life of fear and turned it into a life worth living.

External Links:

• Leaving Abuse - Invaluable Information for Domestic Abuse Victims
• National Domestic Violence hotline - First-rate resource for victims
• American Bar Assoc Commission on Domestic Violence - Information on Domestic Violence