Flirting is a natural behavior, and it's safe to say that the population wouldn't be nearly as big without it. It can either be fun or fearful - it all depends on how confident you feel in your abilities. Some say flirting is an art; here's how to be an artist.
Whether we do it with a smoldering glance or a knee-slapping one-liner, flirting is the vital first rung of the dating ladder. It is the all-important interaction that can make or break our chances to form a new relationship (no matter how casual that relationship may turn out to be). For some people, flirting comes as naturally as breathing; for others, it’s enough to take their breath away. Is there a secret to successful flirting? How can you be sure your flirting will get results?
First things first: look your best.
When you look great, you feel great. And when you feel great, you’re a better flirt. Almost anyone will tell you that self-confidence is a big turn-on, and when you look your personal best, your confidence level is likely at an all-time high. And obviously, people are more likely to be attracted to you if you’re well-groomed as opposed to stinky and straggly. Since flirting doesn’t necessarily have to happen on a big night out – it’s just as easy to flirt at the grocery store or library – this means looking as good as you can, all the time. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to make yourself especially presentable when you’re planning to be at a “high flirtation location” such as a bar or club. The extra time it takes you to get ready is a valuable investment.
Ooze confidence.
Even if you don’t feel particularly confident, nobody has to know that but you. You can project an air of confidence in a couple of ways: correct posture, for starters. Pull your shoulders back, your chin up, and straighten your back. You don’t have to look “forced” – most people don’t naturally sit ramrod-straight, and you’ll probably look strained if you do – just tidy up your normal posture a bit. Be more aware of the way you’re walking, the way you’re sitting, the way you’re carrying yourself in general. You may feel a little silly, but some practice at home couldn’t hurt, and pretty soon your new posture may be more natural to you than your old slumping self.
Another way to feign confidence is to make eye contact. It is a sign of openness. Nothing says “I’m uncomfortable” like refusing to meet someone’s eyes when they’re talking to you. Eye contact is also a great way to flirt from afar if you’re not ready to approach the person just yet (although your gaze could be so beguiling to them that they could approach you first). A surefire trick: look into your “target’s” eyes for a second or two, smile and look briefly away, and then look at them again. For the best results, repeat this throughout the evening so that the person will know for sure it’s them you’re flirting with. The trick here is to be fairly quick, though; if you look away for too long, the other party may assume you’ve lost interest and will look away themselves.
Be approachable.
A smile is the absolute best way to look approachable, and can attract someone without you having to say a word. Sometimes we try so hard to appear confident that we inadvertently wind up looking aloof and standoffish. Make sure you’re having fun – when you look like you’re having a great time, people are more likely to want to talk to you. Remember when you were twelve and you waited until Mom was in a good mood to tell her about the mantelpiece figurine you broke? Well, if you think about it, this is the same concept: if you look like you’re in a good mood, your target will feel more confident that he or she can talk to you without getting a negative response.
Be playful.
This goes right along with approachable. A big part of flirtation is being playful. In fact, it’s one of the first things we learn about flirting as children – does tagging someone to give them your “cooties” ring a bell? Be spontaneous, and don’t be so afraid of looking goofy that you clam up. Being goofy is not such a bad thing, provided you aren’t constantly silly. If you’re in a club, for example, and an old MC Hammer song comes on, breaking into a few seconds of the Hammer-dance or dramatically declaring “Can’t touch this!” can garner a laugh from your flirting partner. Laughing will make both of you feel more comfortable and at ease with each other, and it lets the other person know that you’re fun and that it’s okay to relax and let their guard down.
Dish out a compliment or two.
Who doesn’t love to be sincerely complimented? Sincerely is the key word there. Since you’re flirting with the person, there’s obviously something that you find attractive about them – so point it out! But make sure that you really mean what you say, otherwise it’s just a shallowly disguised pick-up line. A word of advice for the guys: if it’s her body you’re attracted to, find something else to compliment her on – her beautiful long eyelashes, for example. “Nice butt” might be something to save for later. To make the compliment especially seductive, you can’t go wrong by whispering it directly into their ear.
Make use of body language.
You can talk until you’re blue and smile until your face hurts, but if you’re not using the right body language, you’re probably going to be out of luck. Body language, ranging from subtle to blatantly “come-hither,” can send powerful signals to the opposite sex. It’s one of the things that a person first notices about someone else, even on a subconscious level. Maximize your flirting skills by throwing in a few of these inviting gestures:
Play with your hair. Running your hands through it is sexy, but twirling a strand around your fingers can convey nervousness, so be careful. Toss it playfully over your shoulder.
Lick your lips. Don’t lick them so much that you resemble Aunt Edna gearing up for a wet sloppy one, but simply running your tongue over your lips to moisten them can be incredibly seductive.
Cross your leg toward the person you’re flirting with.
Point – not with your finger, but with your body (you may already be doing this naturally). We instinctively point toward people we’re attracted to: our legs, feet, toes, and hands turn in their direction.
Blink a little more than usual. It isn’t necessary to look as though you’re batting your eyes, but when we like what we see, we tend to (again, unconsciously) blink more rapidly. Try throwing a few extra blinks in and see what happens. If the person you’re talking to subconsciously increases their blink rate to match yours, sparks could fly!
Expose your neck. There’s something about a smooth expanse of neck that can drive men wild. Showing your neck is a sign of feminine vulnerability. Try tossing your hair to one side or looking over your shoulder.
Be a “manly-man.” Guys, it’s a proven fact that women, whether they realize it or not, are most attracted to very masculine characteristics. So pay attention to your posture: square your shoulders and stand straight and tall.
Mirror, mirror. One of the best ways to make the person you’re flirting with feel connected to and in tune with you is to subtly mimic their behaviors. This does not, however, mean copy their every move; that’s best reserved for kids trying to annoy their siblings. It just means that you should follow their cues; if they lean toward you, you lean toward them. If they play with their hair, you play with yours. Don’t immediately follow their gestures – wait about thirty seconds. That’s enough time so that they won’t consciously notice that you’re mimicking them.
Do the brow-lift. When you catch someone’s eye across the room, hold their gaze and raise your eyebrows (one eyebrow, if you’re physically capable) for a second. Just a flash. This, too, is something we tend to unconsciously do when we’re attracted. Watch for a return brow-lift and you’ll know you’re good to go!
Some body-language don’ts: leaning away from the person, crossing your arms in front of you, drumming your fingers as if you’re bored, looking tense (that means having your lips pursed, your brow furrowed and your shoulders hunched). All of these virtually scream “Go away!” and should be avoided at all costs if you’re trying to let someone know you’re interested. If you note any of these signals coming from someone you’re trying to flirt with, your best bet is to move on to a more receptive target.
Ask open questions.
Sometimes it’s hard to strike up a conversation when the questions you’re asking only require a one-word answer. To avoid hearing “yes” or “no” all the time and stimulate conversation, ask open-ended questions; for example, instead of, “Do you like this music?” you could ask, “What do you think of this band?” As a general rule, any questions beginning with “Are you,” “Do you,” “Will you,” or “Can you” invite short answers, so remember that when you’re preparing to initiate a dialogue.
Take advantage of the power of touch.
Obviously you shouldn’t throw an arm around someone, grab them obnoxiously or otherwise grope an unsuspecting victim, but a little touching can work wonders. If you’re in a loud, crowded place and it’s difficult to hear, lean forward and rest your hand very lightly on the other person’s arm when he or she is trying to talk to you. Or “accidentally” reach for the same item at the same time when you’re shopping, brushing the person’s hand in the process. If you’re sitting side by side, try putting your knee close enough to touch theirs, or sit shoulder-to-shoulder. If the person is uncomfortable and feels you’re invading their personal space, they’ll pull away, so be sure to watch for those types of signals and back off if necessary.
Pay attention.
It’s very important when talking to someone that you show that you’re interested in what they have to say. Cock your head slightly to the side, watch their eyes and mouth as they talk, and nod once in a while. Ask questions about the topic at hand. Glazing over and staring off into the distance with a bored “mm-hmm” every now and then is not the way to win someone over.
Share your interests accordingly.
Within a few minutes of beginning your conversation, you can usually get a feel for what type of person they are and the type of things they like. People tend to gravitate toward others like themselves, so in order to make them feel a connection with you, show them how similar you are. If the person seems to be the outdoorsy type, tell them about your love of hiking or the memorable camping trip you once took. If they mention that they’re an animal lover, talk about your beloved cocker spaniel. Obviously, don’t be fake or make up a story just to sound similar; if you’re not interested in or are unfamiliar with one topic, there’s most likely another one in the conversation that you can identify with.
Use props.
Carry something that could draw attention to you: an outrageous tie or scarf, a t-shirt with your astrological sign or a catchy saying, a bright-yellow rain coat, your dog, an interesting book – anything that someone could potentially start up a conversation about. Similarly, check out other people for props and use those as icebreakers: “Wow, I’ve been thinking about reading that book … is it any good?”
Practice makes perfect.
Flirting with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you want to jump in the sack with them. It’s a great mood and ego-booster for everyone. Guys, tell the seventy-year-old grocery store cashier that she has beautiful eyes; ladies, flash your most bewitching smile – and throw in a wink – at the next doorman or valet guy you see. Be charming and lighthearted. It can make someone’s day, and it’s great practice for when you’re in a real flirting situation. Besides, you never know who could be watching you – your friendly demeanor could be attracting a cute bystander!
You don’t have to be a raving beauty or a super stud in order to be a successful flirt. Remember, flirting is mostly attitude. If you’re positive, self-confident, and enthusiastic, you’ll be a people-magnet in no time!