I love dogs. I go blasting into their yards every day to read the meter, and the overwhelming majority pose no threat to me whatsoever. Mainly, I get a lot of exuberant tail-wagging (I keep a cache of treats in my pocket). I get to know their names, I tell them to "sit" for their cookie. I even throw the ball for those who bring one to me and make with the big-brown-eyes business.

The purpose of this article is not to instill a fear of dogs into the reader. They are lovable, wonderful creatures for whom I have a deep and abiding admiration. This is merely a collection of survival strategies to put in your pocket, should you run into one of the rogue few who intend to inflict bodily harm.

Fear vs. Anger

There he is, the snarling mongrel you've walked past every day on your way to pick up your morning cappuccino. You've wondered more than once just how long the lead tethering him to the garage door would hold out. Today, you get your answer. He's loose, dragging a length of frayed rope behind him…

…and he's coming right at you.

Your first reaction is going to be an emotional one. You will become angry, or you will get scared. Which way you go here is crucial. Both fear and anger induce a flood of adrenaline. The two things your body will do with that adrenaline, however, are as polar opposite as the emotions which produce it.

Anger empowers you. Your heart rate spikes and oxygen-rich blood is pumped into the muscles of your outer extremities, making them stronger, more nimble. Your eyesight becomes very keen, your mental processes become faster and clearer, and your reaction time improves dramatically.

Fear shuts you down. The body, believing that its very survival is at stake, sends all that enabling blood and oxygen to your vital organs, in an attempt to protect them. What the body deems to be non-essential muscles and organs are suddenly deprived of blood. This is why, when animals are frightened, they will sometimes lose control of their bowels or bladder.

Your will feel weak, your thinking will become murky and sluggish, and your reaction speed will slow down. You will be in no condition to go up against that frenzied mass of fur and teeth hurtling itself at you.

So, when you see faithful Fido coming at you with malicious intent, get pissed off. How dare this flea bag attack you, anyway? You are homo sapiens, top of the food chain, master of your domain. The street you are walking down is maintained with your hard-earned tax dollars. You are acting well within the bounds of normal, acceptable behavior. He is not - so screw him!

Anger Vs. Confrontation

Be angry at the situation, but do not confront the dog. When I was in grade school, they told us to look an attacking dog in the eye, to establish dominance and show him that you are not scared. There is a dangerous fallacy in this logic.

An attacking dog already believes he is dominant. In fact, he knows he is, which is why he feels confident in coming after you. No amount of staring him down is going to suddenly change his opinion about that. Direct, threatening eye contact is not telling the dog, "I'm not scared of you". It is saying, "I want to fight you." The dog will hand his letterman jacket to his lady friend, crack his knuckles, and be more than happy to oblige your request.

Stand sideways to the dog, with your shoulder facing him. This is a less confrontational posture, and it also allows you to look both at the dog and behind you, without turning your back. You'll need to glance behind you for potential escape routes, and also to avoid tripping as you retreat toward them.

Give Him Something to Bite - Other Than You

Hold something out in front of you, preferably something that will compress - a briefcase, purse, balled-up sweater or jacket, newspaper. The dog will be more satisfied with something he can sink his teeth into. But, any port in a storm. If all you have is your laptop or commuter mug, hey… Better it than you.

If you don't have anything on you, look around for a shield or weapon. Garbage can lids can be very effective. A broom or rake leaning against the side of someone's house can help to keep precious distance between his teeth and your supple flesh.

If you've gotten the dog to bite into your favorite leather jacket (you can buy a new one. You cannot buy new nerve endings), maintain a firm grip and engage him in a game of tug-of-war. Alternate between fighting back and letting him think he's winning. This will keep him interested, and not give him a reason to adjust his grip or go for a more auspicious point of attachment, like your leg or arm.

Now What??

Life is rosy, the dog hasn't bitten you yet. But, he shows no signs of needing to go off to his corner for a sip of water and an inspirational chat with his trainer. Look around for a possible escape route.

Once you've identified one, try to maneuver around so that the dog is tugging you toward it, rather than you trying to drag the dog in that direction. Use the force of his tug to your advantage, but still put up some resistance.

"Escape" is whatever is closest that will provide an immediate, solid barrier between you and the dog. If you are in a park, look for a restroom building, maintenance shed, or tennis court. On a residential street, your only recourse may be to duck behind some stranger's side gate (they'll understand).

Bear in mind two things with this: First, the gate may be locked. Don't concede the tug-of-war prize until you have the gate open and are mostly inside, ready to slam it in the dog's face. Second, there may well be another dog on the other side of that gate! All you can do is hope for the best and be prepared.

Here Comes the Owner

If the dog's owner should arrive on the scene, do not breathe a sigh of relief that the cavalry has shown up. In fact, if you have and guard left to put up, do so.

Aggressive dogs can become even more so in the presence of their owners. They now have something specific to protect. The person who dumps kibble in his bowl every day is now within striking distance of an evil intruder. This triggers his instinct to preserve the food source. Also, the dog may become emboldened by the arrival of "pack member" back-up.

Do not listen to the owner. They will make all kinds of ridiculous statements that are only to be ignored. "Oh, he wouldn't really bite you," "Just let him smell your hand," "He's just playing," "He'll listen to me if you just let go". In the course of my job, I've had occasion to roll an incredulous eye toward the source of all of the above claims.

You are in danger. Social graces are the least of your concerns. Don't worry about offending the owner by refusing to believe that Fluffy the Doberman is really just a big, playful sweetie. Don't feel like you're being an over-reacting silly goose in light of their reassuring convictions regarding their family pet's true nature. Many dog owners are incapable of seeing their dog for what he truly is - an animal. Nature, red in tooth and claw.

Your objective is to get out of there bite-free. Do not be distracted from it.

Pack Behavior

If you have more than one lovable pooch on your hands, you may notice that one is being very vocal. He is barking and growling viciously, and you may think, "Man, this one really wants a piece of me. I'd better focus on him."

Loudmouth over there is the Omega Dog - the sidekick, the toady. His job is to distract you from the Alpha Dog. He's trying to get you to turn your back to The Boss-dog, so that you will be most vulnerable to his attack. This is not to say that the Omega Dog will not go for a bite - he just might. What you need to understand here is that you cannot be distracted to exclusion by the noisier, seemingly more menacing threat.

Try to get your back up against a fence or a wall, so that neither dog can be directly behind you. I know this sounds like painting yourself into a corner, but at least there won't be any sneak attacks while you scan for weapons or a way out.

No Escape, No Weapons, Oh No

There is nothing to play tug with. You haven't managed to transform yourself into an urban gladiator with a garbage can lid and garden rake. And, there's simply nowhere to go. I have bad news and worse news for you: You're going to have to fight the dog, and you're probably going to get bit.

Job One is staying on your feet. The dog will try to knock you down. Once he has you on the ground, he has access to your face and throat, and it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to regain your feet.

As hard as it may be to tear your eyes away from his fangs, try to focus your attention on his front paws. They will be the points of contact. If you can reasonably determine where the dog intends to hit you, you may be able to dodge him, or at least bolster your stance accordingly.

Look around for a rock or some other hard object to throw at the dog. If there aren't any, you may be able to get the dog to back off by simply pantomiming picking something up off the ground. Dogs that run around trying to bite people are likely to have had something thrown at them at some point - usually, an item found on the ground. Dogs remember pain, and things directly preceding pain.

If you have to fight the dog, fight with your feet. Feet are closer and better protected than hands. Kick him where he lives - nose, eyes, throat, genitals. Kick him hard. You are going to have to hurt him badly enough to convince him that attacking you wasn't such a jolly idea after all.

In the most extreme of circumstances, you may have to disable the dog. If he manages to get you down on the ground, super-size your anger and go for the throat. Let loose a stream of white-hot expletives that would curl your mother's hair, and squeeze up and into his windpipe, as hard as you can. Most dogs, even some of the larger breeds, have relatively shallow windpipes, and you should be able to choke him out.

Avoiding it Altogether

Most dogs are not inherently aggressive, and will not actually attack you without some pressing reason. Don't give them one.

If you see a loose dog in a front yard, cross the street. Give his territory a wide berth so that he won't feel the need to protect it. If he's just wandering willy-nilly down the street, stop where you are, scan for escapes, shields, and weapons, and wait for him to go his merry way. Continuing to walk toward him could be seen as a challenge, turning around and walking the other way leaves you blind and vulnerable, and might trigger the dog's chase instinct.

Do not approach people with unfamiliar dogs, even those on leashes. Exclaiming, "Hey, Bob, long time no see!" and thrusting your hand out for a shake can look very much like assault to a dog. Even a relatively social dog can become overwhelmed by protective instinct and have his choppers sunk into your hand before either of you realize it.

This is particularly true of children who are accompanied by dogs. You may want to pinch the cheeks of cherubic little Andy, whom you haven't seen since his Christening three years ago. Resist the urge. Whereas a dog's master is his food source, the children in the family are the pups of his pack. He will defend them if he feels they are being threatened.

Parting Words

There is no need to immediately go on the offensive and put up your Don Knotts karate hands with every strange dog you encounter. I only suggest that you be prudent, be aware, and assume nothing.

I'll leave you with what I tell my customers when I ask them to put "Genghis" away, and they insist that he'd only "lick me to death":

"Better safe than sorry."