“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.” - Mahatma Gandhi

In this day of self-help, self-improvement, and/or self-growth, one might get the idea that people do not like who they are. This group will spend billions on books, CD’s, seminars, and the like, all to change who they are. On behalf of the rest of the world, we ask that you give yourself a break.

Change is scary, so most people do not even try it, but those that do, go all out. Seemingly, normal, highly educated people will spend thousands this year in an effort to become someone else.

The question becomes what is so wrong with people that they are willing to give up their self. Let us face facts, the ones who really need the help do not read books or go to seminars. Is it possible that those who have taken up the goal of self-improvement are trying to learn to live with those who refuse all change? Alternatively, is this yet another area where Americans over indulge their egos?

Top selling self-help books give promises of being able to have the perfect body, the perfect relationship, or the perfect life. They promise change in as little as seven days for the truly dedicated seeker. However, they fail to tell the reader of the 90% failure rate of most of the programs offered. Although practical on some levels, the focus instantly moves to self, leaving little room for others. Many also give the impression that if the goal of the program is not acquired then they are not successful. It is a kind of one size fits all mentality.

Is my program self-centered?

1. Is the emphasis on personal happiness, peace, etc?

2. Are people encouraged by the “expert” to give up relationships if the other party does not agree with this new quest?

3. Does the program seem to emphasize being part of support groups or something similar?

It should be noted that for major issues, assistance should be sought; however going on a fishing expedition is a fool’s journey. People spend their life trying to constantly change themselves, instead of living their life and allowing growth to come with time and experience. The “flaws” people seem so eager to change may serve a purpose that has not presented itself yet. Further, most people know what things need to change in their life, but use self-help leaders as parents giving them permission to change.

Permission to Grow Up

Life is complex with its uncertainties, obstacles, failures, and dysfunctions, but one of the best aspects of humanity is the ability to think and take action. It seems in this pursuit of “wholeness” people are abdicating their responsibility for personal growth to others, so that if things do not go as they planned they have someone else to blame.

Let us take Susie for example; her father had been a functioning alcoholic in her youth. She became aware that her father had been an alcoholic after he had been sober for over twenty years and she was well into her adulthood. When she found out, she insisted upon going to a support group to air out every wrong he ever did. She is progressing through her steps, except that she divorced her husband who did not agree with her changes, started dating alcoholics, and has given seven years to an organization that she now says she cannot get out. She considers them her “life.” Susie spends four to five days a week with this group and has now taken up telling others about the program. Where is the harm? The group has replaced her real family and friends.

What is unusual about Susie’s story is that most of the people who attend any meetings about a family member’s addiction are generally teenagers, going about their parents, or spouses going because their spouse was the issue.

As noted, her attraction to this self-help culture did not take place until things were going bad well into her adulthood. She has regressed to childhood, blaming her father for her mistakes and using his former addiction against him.

Are We Gullible or Desperate?

The popularity of the self-help books and seminars suggests a serious gullibility among their mainly well-educated, middle-class readership. People open themselves up to charlatans with no qualifications; some who are looking to part people from their money and others who want their worship.

Some examples of questionable self-help gurus are:

John Gray

Author of the popular “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” He claims to have a PhD, but it is from a school that has been identified as a diploma mill. Gray earned himself a B.A. and M.A. in the Science of Creative Intelligence from the Maharishi European Research University in Switzerland, a now defunct school that had meditation as its primary course. He speaks of memberships in this country’s major accrediting boards, which require a degree from accredited institutions, which he does not have and the boards rely on the honor system. Therefore, should someone change their life based on a person who could not take the time to gain the proper credentials? Anyone who has completed any level of education beyond high school has surpassed him. Good marketing does not mean competency. It does not give credibility to a person without character.

Barbara DeAngelis

She is the best-selling author, keynote speaker, and the queen of “How to Make Love Work.” However, she is also the holder of a PhD from the same school where John Gray received his: Columbia Pacific University. Which means the degree is worthless.

She has also been married five times. John Gray was her third. How can she tell how to make love work when she cannot seem to stay married?

Susan Powter

This spiky blond haired woman took the world by storm with, “Stop the Insanity” in the 1990s. Her program was reasonable, and smart. Her body was a testament of how she kept the weight off. The problem entered when she started trying to tell people how to live their lives. She became an alcoholic. She exchanged her food addiction for alcohol. Though she is sober, the question remains, how can you take people to places you have never been?

These self-appointed gurus should remind readers of the old fable, "The Emperor’s New Clothes."

This fable relates how swindlers convinced a ruler that they were weavers, but only those fit for office could see their clothes.

At the end of the story, the emperor parades naked down the street, but the people along the way for some time refuse to admit he has nothing on.

Give Yourself a Break

With the levels of failure some of the above gurus have suffered, one should feel safe in letting go of the fear that they will not measure up to someone else’s idea of success. The main problem with these gurus is that most fail to tell you the bad times, or the times when they had few friends and less money. They do tell you how many self-help programs they spent money on only to fail.

It seems funny that people will run to self-proclaimed gurus that have little credibility, false credentials, and questionable ethics, but will ignore the couple who has been married thirty years, or the self-made millionaire that started out in his garage.

In conclusion, what would your life be like if you put down the books, tapes, and seminars, and just lived it? Could you take each thing as it came, instead of fishing for problems? Could that be the real key to peace that many have spent thousands of dollars trying to find? It deserves thoughtful consideration. The quote from Gandhi deserves careful consideration from true seekers of self-improvement. It would be wise to act upon it as opposed to the nickel advice from some good marketing guru.

Give yourself a break and live the life you have and be who you are.