All humans are social beings. When we are born, we’re already programmed to relate and respond to others. When an infant hears a familiar voice, he will turn his head. While children are still young, they respond to other children. They learn to interact at daycare, preschool programs and parks. The friendships they build with other children are far different than the relationships they build with parents, grandparents and other family members. Relationships within the family circle are close, with a deep sense of intimacy that is easy to maintain. However, family relationships can’t take the place of friends.

 Why Kids Need Friends

Friendships are important in order to help kids grow emotionally and socially. Kids make friends to try out different ways to relate to a range of relationships; take and give, compromise and share. Friendships teach them how to establish guidelines, make decisions and solve problems. Within these relationships they experience aggression, anger, fear, rejection and even betrayal. They learn appropriate social behavior, how to become a leader, how to follow, fairness and how to win and lose gracefully. They learn that different friends and different social situations call for different social behavior and also that not everyone sees things from the same point of view. Their friends have different view and opinions and they learn to respect the viewpoints of others.

Kids find out who they are by comparing themselves to others. It doesn’t take them long to realize where they stand in the social pecking order. They learn that people are similar in many ways, but also that all people are different. They learn about attitude, character and personality. Building good relationships boosts a child’s self esteem and they find comfort in those friendships when things get tough. Moving, attending a new school, losing a beloved pet, going through a family crisis and facing real life issues never seems so bad when they have a friend to talk to and someone they feel they can depend on for moral support.

Friendships are essential to assure children develop a healthy psyche. When kids are surrounded by friends or have one close friend, they have better self esteem, feel a sense of well being and experience fewer social problems. These positive influences remain with them into adulthood. Kids who feel they have no friends have low self esteem, have social problems, often feel lonely, have trouble relating to others and are often the victims of bullying or teasing. This can lead to depression and in rare cases, suicide in their teens.

Kids and Friends

Even young children develop friendships. This indicates that they will continue to have friends throughout their lives. Research indicates that 75% of children of preschool age have already developed friendships with others of their age group. By the time they are teenagers, 85 to 90% of kids have several casual friends and one or two very close friends. Concepts of friendship change as children grow older. They tend to look at things in a different light, which helps them to build friendships to those who they are attracted to. This isn’t just the opposite gender. Teenagers are drawn to those of both genders for different reasons, such as popularity, sports, hobbies, interests etc.

Concepts of Friendship

A two year old toddler views friendship as reciprocity. These children love to help their friends solve simple problems. By the time kids enter school, they help their friends with problems and advice that they feel they can’t discuss with adults. Teenagers prefer to be with their friends and begin to gain independence by making their own decisions. They tend to tell their friends things they wouldn’t tell anyone else.

Toddlers learn from their peers. This is the age when they learn basic social skills. They develop the rudiments of proper play behavior and show definite preferences for certain playmates. Preschoolers and those in kindergarten identify certain kids as their friends. At this age children treat friends and other children quite differently. Friends are the kids they spend time playing with and engaging with in favorite activities.

As children progress through elementary school, they chose friends who have similar likes and dislikes and who are much like themselves; they become more group oriented at this age and the kids who are most popular are willingly accepted into groups. This can cause problems with children who aren’t as popular because of fear of rejection, conformity and inclusion/exclusion priorities.

Groups reflect the difference in gender. The relationships between girls are closer than those between boys most times. Girls tend to stick to small groups while boys form larger groups which often center on a specific sport. This can cause feelings of rejection for boys who are not good at, or don’t care to participate in sports.

When kids reach the age of adolescence, this grouping scenario tends to reverse. Girls form larger groups and boys tend to stick with one or two of best friends.

Groups

Groups are formed naturally. When kids join a sports team or fraternity in college, they feel as though they belong. When they are tweens (10 to 13) they tend to form cliques and as they mature turn to their friends instead of parents for advice and guidance. Cliques are formed at this time based on designer clothes, athletic ability, economic and social status and popularity. Cliques tend to be fall under jocks, brains, nerds, cool etc.

Which Group?

Some kids have an overwhelming desire to be accepted by a certain group or clique. If they aren’t accepted, they feel rejected and can become depressed, have unruly behavior, or become the victim of bullying and teasing. If cliques and groups become aggressive, they become gangs and this can be bad news for all involved. Cliques tend to peak when kids attend middle school.

Time spent with friends tends to be highest from the age of twelve to high school graduation. This is when kids gain independence from parents and rely on close friendships to meet their needs. As the child grows older, he still seeks out friends for companionship, but tends to share feelings and thoughts with friends, which creates a firmer bond.

Friendships and School

Having friends at school will help to boost a child’s academic progress. Friends can lend a hand when a child is struggling with a certain subject, class project and with homework. If a child is absent, friends can lend their workbooks so the child can catch up the work that was missed. Friends make school a more pleasant and provide fun activities at lunch hour and recess.

Studies show that children do better when they start school if they have already established friendships amongst their peers. They cultivate old friendships and make new ones. Teens that have friends get better grades and have fewer psychological problems when they have to change schools or when they enter secondary school.

The Negatives of Friendship

Peer pressure starts when children enter middle school. The qualities of their friendships are important at this time. Friends who influence kids in a positive way are good. However, many kids’ friends have a negative influence. Children who hang out with kids that are aggressive and anti social begin to take on those traits. Kids who have few or no friendships can easily get in with the wrong crowd and take part in delinquent behavior. They rebel against values that have been instilled in them since infancy. They are easily lead down the wrong path because they are desperate to fit in.

The Positives of Friendship

On the other hand, kids who are more socially mature and have several friends, or even one or two close friends are better able to handle peer pressure and the stress caused by it. It is important that all kids learn how to deal with peer pressure early in life. It is a necessary part of their development.

Encouraging Friendships

Schools should definitely encourage friendships and be alert to cliques. Some children need help to cultivate friendships and children should be taught social skills by teachers or counselors and be encouraged to practice the strategies they have learned.

Schools should initiate peer pairing programs. Two children that are experiencing personality conflict problems can learn how to better deal with the issues involved if they receive feedback from an adult. Shy children should be paired with a child who is more outgoing. Peer pairing is an excellent way to teach children social skills.

Groups and Cliques at School

Every school should have a conflict resolution program. This helps to teach children how to respond in difficult social situations through supervised interaction. When kids have a buddy system in place, they are able to build alliances and encourage their peers in a positive way. Children who are reluctant to interact socially can be encouraged to build appropriate social skills when these programs are initiated in schools. School is a place to learn appropriate social skills and make friendships that can be cultivated into lasting relationships.

Parental Responsibilities

• Respect your child whether he has a lot of casual friends or only one or two close friends. He knows his comfort zone and will move forward when he is ready. Children differ in social style. They make friends slowly or very quickly. Don’t push.

• If your child is reluctant to make friends, or shy, encourage him to spend time with other kids. Don’t push; be practical. Change dinner hour to accommodate his play time. Offer your home as a hang out once a week, or take your child and his friends on an outing. Allow the child to invite a friend along on a family out him or allow your child to ask him to sleep over. Children whose parents are involved in their social life grow into more social beings.

• If your child has problems with a friend, talk to him about it and help him decide how to go about solving it.

Teasing and Bullying

Let your child know there is zero tolerance level for teasing and bullying. If other kids tease or bully him, encourage him to tell you. If it’s happening at school, insist he speak to his teacher or the school principal. Nip this behavior in the bud. It can lead to significantly bigger problems. Swarming has been the cause of severe injury and death. Teasing and bullying must not be allowed to progress and needs to be stopped when it begins.

Children with disorders on the autism spectrum or with speech, hearing or language problems are often teased and bullied by their peers. They don’t mention it to their parent, teachers or other adults because they are trying to fit in or they are afraid that telling will only make things worse. This can cause them to fear the school day and also to have low self esteem. They think that their physical or mental problem makes them less of a person. Try to ease their social burden by inviting someone your child likes to your home for an afternoon of play. Keep you eye on them and don’t hesitate to intervene to encourage social skills. This teaches both children to come to a solution of their problems rather than having them solved for them, or letting them continue, unsolved.

Be a model of proper social interaction. Kids watch parents in order to learn from them. If your child sees that socializing causes you stress, it will cause him stress as well.

If your child continues to display unwarranted fears about socializing, withdraws from other kids his age, or is constantly having problems with classmates, consider getting him professional help to get him over the hurdle. You may be surprised at the outcome.

Stay involved in your child’s social life. Get to know his friends and show an interest in them. Staying informed can keep your child from getting in with the wrong crowd as he grows into adolescence and becomes a teenager.

Unlikable Friends

As a parent you’d like your kids to only socialize with others who are honest, intelligent and who have good academic skills. You don’t want them to socialize with those who drink, do drugs or smoke. You want to protect your kids, yet allow them to be independent. What is a parent to do?

If you’ve brought your kids up to be honest and respect others, they will soon tire of friends who get them into trouble. Some kids have to learn the hard way. Try to let friendships run a natural course. The more you object, the longer the friendship will last. This is the time of rebellion. Ask your child why he’s chosen that particular friend and listen carefully to the answer. However, stay alert to the situation. You have to be able to recognize the difference between independent rebellion and danger. Your child has to learn to socialize with others from all walks of life. If the friendship turns threatening, dangerous or moves to activities that are illegal, then your first responsibility is to your child whether he likes it or not. Unacceptable friendships such as these have to be ended quickly to ensure your child remains safe.

Support

Support your child, love him and let him know you’re there for him in every situation. If you do, he will hone the ability to handle every type of social situation, have high self esteem, grades that show his highest potential and he’ll be responsible for his actions. He’ll be a child to be proud of and grow up to have superior social skills and lasting friendships and relationships.