Your child is at a very precious age; your son or daughter is learning how to talk, telling you what they want for dinner—and hitting their younger, defenseless sibling on a pretty regular basis. How do you address this type of behavior, while still celebrating all the wonderful things come with being the proud parent of a toddler? How do you let your son or daughter know that you love him or her, but can’t always support their behavior?

Address the action, not the child.

When you’re disciplining your child, make sure your son or daughter knows that you’re trying to get them to discontinue negative behavior, and that you aren’t devaluing them. Even though toddlers are young, they are more in touch with their feelings than adults can tell. Just because your young son or daughter can’t articulate their feelings all that well yet, they do know when they feel attacked, and are likely to continue acting out if your approach is wrong.

For instance, when you see your toddler hitting other children or refusing to share, pull him or her to the side and explain that what they’re doing isn’t nice. This is different from saying “You’re being bad” or “You’re a mean boy/girl.” Instead, tell your toddler that it’s important to be nice to friends, and that sharing is the right thing to do. The toddler years are also a good time to introduce the Golden Rule. One of the best ways to teach your children a lesson on sharing or good social behavior is to convey that you shouldn’t do something to someone that you don’t want them to do to you.

Ask your children questions like “Don’t you like it when your friends share with you?” or “When your friends are nice to you and don’t hit you, doesn’t that make you feel good?” If your toddlers can tell in your tone that you are reprimanding their actions, but still love them, they are less likely to continue the negative behavior.

Your child’s surroundings will affect his or her behavior.

Make sure that your child’s environment encourages good behavior. Be aware of the reason for your toddler’s mood changes, and do your best to help them act properly. For instance, if you’re taking your child to the supermarket, after he or she has been in day care all day, and are expecting them to sit still the whole time you’re grocery shopping, you may have a problem on your hands. Your child is probably ready to be in a more familiar setting (like home) and may be hungry and restless. If you’re running errands with your toddler during the day, try to take your trips in increments. It doesn’t take much for your little one to become bored or cranky, so keep this in mind when you’re planning daily activities with your child.

Give your toddler positive reinforcement.

Pulling your child away from a play group when he or she is misbehaving, or disciplining your toddler when they’re in the middle of a temper tantrum shouldn’t be the only time you’re face to face with your little one. Be sure to tell your toddler how much your value him or her by praising all of the great things they can do at this age. If your toddler is learning to feed herself, be sure to give lots of hugs and kisses when the messes at dinner are significantly minimized. If your son is being potty trained, a sticker each time he uses the bathroom will let him know how proud you are. Letting your toddler know what you think about their character traits will also help profoundly with their self-development.

Again, even though toddlers can’t exactly express their sense of self-awareness, when you tell them the good things about themselves, they are better equipped to act out what you say than to repeat your statements back to you. Telling your partner things like “You’re such a smart boy/girl” or “I love the way you always clean up your toys.” Even with toddlers, compliments go a very long way.