Has your desire ditched you? Has your libido left? When your bedroom becomes a bored-room, it's time to investigate why your sex drive has taken a leave of absence.
It hasn’t always been this way; there was a time (probably lots of times!) when you couldn’t wait to hit the sheets with that special someone. But now things are different, and you can’t really put your finger on why. Maybe you’re tired from chasing the kids around, balancing work and home life, trying to fulfill your civic obligations. Maybe it’s just a passing phase, a “dry spell,” so to speak. All you know is that sex seems like just another task to mark off the list, and you’re somewhat saddened by the change in your attitude toward your intimate life. When – and, more importantly, why – did sex become a chore?
What is low sexual desire?
I know, you don’t need me to draw you a diagram here; isn’t it obvious what low sexual desire is? The answer to that question is both yes and no. Many people believe that the frequency of their sexual encounters indicates the level of desire or satisfaction with their sex life, but this isn’t completely true. No matter how infrequently you have sex, if it’s working for you, you’re fine. Remember, it’s quality that you’re striving for – not quantity. There is no “gold standard” for how many times per week, per month, or even per year that you should be having sex. It varies widely from couple to couple. Even the frequency of intercourse in one long-term relationship can change from month to month, depending on circumstances; this is completely normal. If you and your partner have one sizzling sexual encounter a year, and you’re both happy with it, then you’re doing fine in the desire department.
Another thing to consider is whether you are truly bothered by your apparent loss of interest in sex, or if it’s your partner that’s doing the complaining. If you feel that your sex drive is healthy, but that you don’t need sex as often as your partner seems to, then your issue is more about compromising with your partner than about trying to change your sex drive. As the old adage goes, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
True low sexual desire is when a woman is experiencing a dramatic drop in her libido, a marked difference in how much she wants sex now compared to how much she used to want sex. Not only has her desire for sex dwindled to practically nothing, so has her fantasy life … as a matter of fact, so has anything in her life that involves aspects of the erotic. It’s causing distress and difficulties in her personal life and interpersonal relationships. She desperately wants to feel sexual again, but she just can’t. That’s low sexual desire.
In technical terms, it’s called hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. According to recent statistics, a whopping one-third of women from ages eighteen to fifty-nine suffer from low sexual desire.
Why do women lose interest in sex?
This is a multifaceted question with many different answers. Men’s primary sexual complaint is erectile dysfunction, which can be easily cured by popping a pill. But female sexuality is much more complicated. It isn’t cut-and-dry; it is a complex blend of physical and emotional factors, and therefore, a lack of desire can often be attributed to several different causes – not just one problem to be fixed.
Relationship Problems
Naturally, you aren’t going to want to be sexually intimate with someone for whom your feelings are only lukewarm. There are many varieties of difficulty in relationships, and any of them can lead to low sexual desire. Maybe it’s simple – your partner isn’t as friendly with a toothbrush as you’d like – or it could be a deeper problem. Regardless of what is causing your declining lust level, good communication is essential in order to resolve the problem. It is important to discuss whatever’s bothering you with your partner. After all, no one can read your mind! Left unresolved, relationship issues will only get worse. Resentments hidden beneath the surface will fester and escalate until they reach the boiling point, and then someday you’ll explode, possibly saying things that could cause lasting hurt – even irreversible damage – to the partnership.
When approaching your partner about an issue that’s been bothering you, you’ll get the best results if you do it in a non-confrontational way. Choose a neutral time, not during an argument. And don’t bombard your partner with the problem as soon as he or she walks in the door from work. Use “I” language rather than “you” language: for example, instead of the accusatory “You always leave the toilet seat up!” you should say, “I’ve been putting the toilet seat down a lot lately, and I don’t like it.” (Hopefully you’re bothered by something a bit less trivial than the toilet seat, but you get the idea.) You may be worried about talking to your partner for fear of hurting their feelings, but trust me on this one: bringing it out in the open will hurt them a lot less in the long run than trying to ignore the problem. You may think that as long as you don’t mention anything, your partner won’t know that something is wrong – but that’s not true. He or she will be able to sense your resentment, and will notice that you’re withholding your affection, and will probably feel rejected without even knowing why.
If you’re nervous about confronting your partner with the troublesome issue, consider relationship or sex therapy. Either one will help both of you to open up and lay your problems out on the table, and you’ll have the help of an unbiased professional.
Boredom
During the first few months of a relationship, you can hardly think of anyone else but your new mate. You constantly reminisce about recent encounters and fantasize about upcoming trysts. You’re still exploring each other’s bodies and learning about what the other likes and dislikes, so sex is still fresh and exciting. And then time passes. Before you know it, you’ve been together for years – and what was once the thrilling highlight of your day is now the yawn-inducing, missionary-position, twice-weekly scheduled sex (Tuesday and Friday evenings, because that’s when you can spare an extra fifteen minutes). Boredom can be a real boudoir-buster.
Luckily, if both partners are willing participants, this problem is among the easiest to fix. There are a myriad of toys, costumes, props, and other adults-only delights available for your pleasure. If you don’t feel comfortable making a jaunt to an adult novelty store, you can shop in the privacy of your own home via one of the many tasteful adult sites on the Internet. When you order from these sites, your purchase is shipped to you in plain packaging to ensure that your business remains your business.
If your partner is a little hesitant or shy, try easing into a new sexual routine: begin with a sensual massage, complete with warmed body oil. (Hardly anyone can refuse that!) Usually this type of activity will open the door to other, more risqué activities.
One of the fastest ways to become bored is to subsist on a steady diet of quick, efficient sex. You know the type: you go straight for the hot spots and do the minimum just to get the job done in the least amount of time. It becomes such a routine that you can map out exactly what your partner is going to do before they even enter the bedroom – it never changes. That is the drawback to being very familiar with someone else’s body; no need to explore, even though exploration is a crucial ingredient for a passionate encounter. No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, there is surely one area, no matter how tiny, that you may have overlooked sexually: the small of the back, the arch of the foot, or the inside of the wrist, just to name a few. Take more time to explore, and both you and your partner may be surprised at the unexpected erogenous zones you stumble across.
Everyday Life
While you’re young and sewing your wild oats, feeling sexual is no problem. Then you get a “real job. Then you get bills. Then you get a spouse, and kids, and more bills, and soccer practice, and gymnastics lessons, and dinner, and a lawn to mow, and … well, you know. It’s so easy to get bogged down with responsibilities that you don’t often have time for sex. When you can spare a few minutes, you usually opt to catch a nap or watch the latest episode of Desperate Housewives. Sex just isn’t a priority.
To maintain a solid connection (both in and out of the bedroom), it’s as important to make time for your partner as it is to make time for yourself. Sometimes, as mundane as it may seem, scheduling sex is the only way to bring it to the top of your to-do list. Designate a couple of nights per week to make a “date” with your partner. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be a time to do sexual things; just use it to get closer to one another, whether physically or not. Often just making an emotional connection with your partner can lead to a greater desire for a physical connection. Try to schedule an uninterrupted block of time, even if it’s just an hour, to be alone together. This way, you’ll create an environment that invites you to make love if the mood strikes both of you. If you like, you can keep things interesting – and broaden your sexual horizons – by using the time to introduce something new. Read each other erotic stories one evening; try your hand at chocolate body paints the next time. But no pressure, please – if the time frame doesn’t end with both of you sweaty and basking in the post-coital afterglow, that’s perfectly okay. The cardinal rule: you can’t talk about anything that would potentially cause stress or anxiety – the kids, the bills, the way the car keeps cutting out.
Even if you don’t do anything sexual, these scheduled dates are extremely beneficial for the relationship. It’s important to keep your commitment to the date once you’ve set it, though; don’t blow it off for something you may initially perceive as a more pressing matter. Be as devoted to keeping the date as you would a scheduled appointment with a colleague or the doctor.
Stress and Anxiety
Stress or fear can wreak havoc on a person’s sex drive; who can feel sexy when ten million other worries are competing for your full attention? Sexual desire originates in the brain, so it’s no surprise that if your mind isn’t focused on the task at hand, it isn’t going to be the pleasurable experience you’d hoped for. So what can you do to quiet the other issues that are clamoring for consideration?
One stress-management technique is to set aside a specific “worry time” each day. Tell yourself that you have thirty minutes to worry and think about everything that’s bothering you, and don’t allow yourself to worry about it outside of that time period. When unwanted anxieties creep into your consciousness, visualize yourself encapsulating them in soap bubbles and blowing them away.
This is another case in which scheduled sex can be beneficial. Take a few minutes before your “date” and calm yourself: practice some deep-breathing techniques, and try to clear your mind of anything but the delightful experience you’re about to share with your partner. Give yourself permission to stop worrying for this little bit of time and enjoy your romantic tryst. After all, it isn’t like your problem would be solved if you weren’t busy having sex.
If it’s something sexual that you’re worried about, such as pregnancy or STDs, make sure you take precautions beforehand. Arm yourself with condoms and other methods of protection so that you can be absolved of any anxieties concerning your sexual wellbeing.
Stress can be dealt with most effectively by a healthy person. Keep your body in good condition: eat right, exercise, refrain from smoking and drinking (at least to excess) and practice relaxation techniques. Try taking a yoga class or a meditation seminar.
Body Issues
There aren’t many people who are completely comfortable being naked. Even if you can prance confidently around in a string bikini on the beach, you may be embarrassed when it’s time to show what’s under that itty-bitty swatch of material. Whether it’s stretch marks, extra flab, weird hairs, or other perceived flaws, sometimes you can be so obsessed with hiding that little imperfection that you can’t enjoy sex. Or can’t even get to the point of having sex.
Instead of moping about it and allowing your negative self-image to mess up your mojo, do what you can to change what you don’t like about your body. If it’s a little extra weight you’re self-conscious about, change your diet and exercise plan and drop a few pounds (an added bonus: exercise increases blood flow to the genital area and leads to better arousal and orgasmic function). See about getting those unruly hairs waxed or those unsightly moles removed.
Unfortunately, there are some things you’ll never be able to physically change about yourself (okay, at least not without expensive and painful surgery). That’s why you have to change your attitude toward your self-image. When you have a negative thought about yourself, consciously replace it with a positive thought. Change your frustration over your extra belly roll into elation over your full, sensual lips or your smooth, supple skin. And keep reminding yourself how much your body turns on and excites your partner. If you still need more help, don’t be ashamed to seek out a counselor; plenty of them actually have expertise in weight and body issues.
Menopause
Aging presents all kinds of strange and often annoying changes in a woman’s body. One of these changes is a marked decrease in sex drive. A drop in the body’s hormone levels causes changes in the genital tissues, and a lack of estrogen can lead to vaginal dryness. These can cause sex to be uncomfortable, and therefore less appealing.
Luckily, there’s hope if your sexual disinterest is attributed to menopausal changes. You can restore your body’s estrogen with supplements, either taken orally or in the form of a cream, which will help your body to properly lubricate and bring back tissue elasticity to the genitalia. If you’re not keen on hormone therapy, a simple over-the-counter lubricant could work wonders. And think of it this way: you’re liberated from the worry of an unplanned pregnancy! You can officially throw caution to the wind! (Where contraceptives are concerned, that is … but if you’re with a new partner, don’t forget that you’re still at risk for STDs.)
Sexual Abuse
If you’ve been the victim of rape, childhood sexual abuse or other sexual trauma, you may have deep-seated fears of sexual contact – even with someone that you love. In order to avoid reliving certain feelings or situations, you might be subconsciously repressing your natural sex drive. Many survivors of abuse have gone on to have normal, healthy sex lives, and you can too. If you’ve never sought counseling, you should; consider it a very wise investment in your wellbeing. Healing will take time, patience, and a long and probably painful look at the cause of the problem, but it will be well worth it in the long run.
A New Baby
There are many reasons that a new mom might be feeling miles away from the sexy vixen she once was. When you’ve recently given birth, first and foremost, you hurt. Whether you’ve had a vaginal birth or a C-section, recovery is a long and painful road. Even once you’ve healed, sex isn’t always comfortable. If you’re breastfeeding, you may be experiencing vaginal dryness. Add to that the many other libido-lowering factors – postpartum depression, negative body image, fear of another pregnancy, fluctuating hormone levels, mind-numbing fatigue – and it’s a wonder that anyone ever has more than one child.
Don’t worry; your sex drive will return if you give yourself plenty of time (and plenty of patience on your partner’s end). Explain to your partner why you’re not feeling amorous, so that he doesn’t incorrectly assume that the baby has taken his place. Remember that even though your sex drive may not be up to par, your partner’s probably still is, so it’s important to find an alternative to suit both of you until your libido returns. Cuddling, hand-holding, sensual massage, and oral sex can all be good substitutes.
Medications
Surprisingly, some of the medications you ingest can take quite a toll on your sex drive, even if that medication is wholly unrelated to anything sexual. Birth control pills are one culprit: they lower levels of testosterone and androgens, leading to a diminished sexual appetite and contributing to vaginal dryness. Medications for high blood pressure are another.
Unfortunately, if you’re dealing with depression, the medication you use to treat your condition (MAOIs, Tricyclics, and SSRIs among them) may lead to a loss of sex drive. But left untreated, the effects of depression may be worse, sexually speaking, than the effects of the antidepressant drugs. Nearly seventy-five percent of people diagnosed with depression report a loss of interest in sex. It makes you feel drained, listless, and emotional, and the last thing you care about under those circumstances is being sexually active. If you’re taking an antidepressant and feeling unwanted sexual side effects, there may be a connection; ask your doctor about switching to one of the newer drugs, such as Wellbutrin, that have been proven successful in combating a reduced sex drive. But don’t stop taking or alter the dosage of your medication without speaking to your doctor first.
Medical Conditions
The weirdest, most unexpected things can cause a lack of sexual interest … your thyroid, for example. One of the common symptoms reported among people with an under-active thyroid is a loss of libido. Hormone deficiencies can also be to blame, as can any sort of metabolic disorder: an eating disorder or illness, anything that negatively affects your metabolism. So can diabetes. So can high blood pressure. See what I’m talking about? If your sex drive has gone AWOL, and you can’t figure out the cause, it’s time to call your doctor for a thorough physical.
Supplements
There are several types of natural supplements purported to help “revive the drive.” If you decide to give one of these a try, though, it’s a wise idea to consult a doctor first.
Arginine
Asian ginseng (Panax)
Avena-Sativa/Oat Extract
Damiana
DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone)
Horny Goat Weed
Maca
Kava Kava
Zinc
We all go through the occasional “dry spell” when we’d rather have a nap or a cup of tea than a roll in the hay. But if you’re unsatisfied (no pun intended) with your sex life, if you feel it’s lacking or that your sexual appetite is just not what it used to be, it’s worth getting checked out. You owe it to your partner, but more importantly, you owe it to yourself to have a healthy and gratifying sex life.