The Facts

Statistics show four out of five middle school students admitted to having bullied someone. (Pagewise, Inc., 2003) It’s important to teach your child what to do when confronted by a bully. Some tactics may not work on all bullies, but it’s better to be armed than to be defenseless.

Why Bullies Act the Way They Do

Bullies often act aggressively because they are unhappy or confused. They may be shy and use bullying as a tactic to get attention. Bullies usually have a lot going on that we do not know about. There may be social or emotional causes that make them act out, they may have a bad relationship with family members, or something else may be going on in their life that they are not dealing with properly. Taking their aggression out on others is often a way to act out the aggression they have toward the situation or person in their life that is the main problem. That in no way makes bullying right. Many times nothing your child says or does instigates the bully’s actions. A certain type of personality or a child that looks a certain way does not always bring on the bully’s attention. At times, a child is just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I remember an instance as a child when I was standing in line at the water fountain. I was sick a lot and I had to go to the doctor at least twice that week to have more tests run to find out what was wrong. I had a lot of friends in school and they all wanted to know why was I going to the doctor, what was wrong with me – the kind of questions kids ask – each one seeming more and more like an interrogation. One too many children asked the same question and instead of answering – and not knowing what else to do – I remember pushing the child in front of me, just so I could hurry and get a drink, get out of line and away from all the questions. I was normally a quiet, friendly person and had never acted out in front of anyone or had any bullying tendencies – but here I was pushing someone at the water fountain and the teacher came over, told me to hurry and get a drink and come with her – and there I was, in trouble for the first time in my life – but I’d gotten away from all the questioning children. The child in front of me had done nothing to me – had even been concerned about me – but had been in the wrong place at the wrong time and had received the brunt of my bullying.

There is no good excuse for the way bullies act. No one deserves to be bullied – no matter what your child feels they’ve done to cause it. It’s important your child know that he or she is not alone. According to Michele Borba, Ed. D. in “What to do if Your Child is Bullied”, one out of seven kids is bullied. It’s a sad fact, but children are bullied everyday in some way or fashion.

Forms of Bullying

Bullying comes in many forms. It can be verbal – name calling, threats, ugly remarks; it can be physical – hitting, tripping, kicking, attacking from behind, taking a purse or other belongings, knocking books to the ground; it can be social – the child may be ignored, left out of the group, talked about by the group, told they have “cooties”; or it may be psychological – playing mind games with the child, giving them dirty looks. All these are different from rough housing or teasing in that they become constant, daily and do not stop.

Signs That Your Child is Being Bullied

Since bullying often happens out of sight, away from everyone, if your child doesn’t tell anyone, it may not be easily noticed. If your child has trouble in school, avoids going places, says he doesn’t want to ride the bus or attend after school events, if they have bruises they can’t explain, if they are losing a lot of items and can’t readily tell you what happened, if they are having pains and sickness often, if they seem depressed or mad a lot, it’s possible they are being harassed by a bully.

Would Your Child Report Bullying?

It’s important to talk to your child about bullying and stress the importance of violence being wrong and the importance of stopping violence before it escalates into something worse than bullying. Most of the time, with grown-up intervention, bullying can be prevented. And if it can’t, there are police officers, peace bonds and other issues that can be taken up with the court to stop violence that has gone beyond bullying.

Many children do not report bullying. They may be afraid of the bully. They may be afraid of things only getting worse if the bully knows they “told on” him or her. They may also try to protect their parents from being worried or they may feel their parents will think it’s their fault and they brought it on themselves. Children may also feel that even if they report the situation, it won’t change, so why bother. And do you blame them? We see so many shows on television where grown up bullies are out to get a person and no matter what that person does, the bully still shows up and still goes on bullying. If grown-ups can’t get away from bullies in the movies, why should our children believe they can get away from bullies?

Find out the Details

Don’t always assume all the blame is on the bully’s shoulders. Ask your child if something else happened that they might not have shared with you. Sometimes our children may not tell us the whole story and we may think differently when we understand the whole picture.

Encourage your child to tell you what happened and keep an open mind. Remember that you are only hearing part of the story. Don’t interrogate your child; if you ask questions, ask them gently. Try to find out what happened, who was involved, where and when it happened and if anyone else might have seen the incident.

Don’t automatically blame the school or accuse someone without knowing all the facts. It’s our nature as parents to get angry and want the school to do something right away. But information will need to be gleaned from others and the school will need to contact the other child and their parents.

Remember that children usually tell parents or teachers as a last resort. They may have tried everything they could think of on their own and it may be hard for them to come to an adult. Make sure your child knows you are listening and you believe him; don’t brush the incident aside or take it lightly. You will need to help your child decide what to do next and to help them understand they are not to blame for the actions someone else has taken against them. You will need to help them regain their self-confidence and let them know they’ve done the right thing by letting you know what was going on.

Similar to victims of domestic violence, a bully’s victims often believe that he or she did something to deserve the bullying. If they have been bullied for a long time, his or her self-esteem may be low. Help build up your child’s confidence and self-esteem. Help them practice assertive techniques. Role playing will often help a child learn how to respond in a bullying situation. Reassure your child that this was not his or her fault. Talk with them about their feelings and work out solutions to minimize opportunities for the bullying. Children who are prepared to respond to bullies are children who feel good about themselves, have a support system and who have solutions in place to help them deal with whatever comes their way.

What to Do

There are ways to discourage bullies. Encourage your child to stay in a group and avoid the bully if possible. Tell your child not to give the bully power by reacting to their actions. A bully can be caught off guard when situations don’t play out as he or she expects. If your child firmly tells the bully “Leave me alone!” or ignores the bully completely, the bully won’t know what to do.

Don’t teach your child to fight back – this will cause your child to get in trouble and may get your child hurt. Tell your child not to stoop to the bully’s tactics. Instead, tell your child to act confident and don’t act scared. Holding his or her head high and looking the bully in the eye will make the bully think twice.

Enrolling your child in a self-defense class or in martial arts will often help build their self-esteem and help them be more assertive. The aim of the class shouldn’t be so they can fight back. Be sure to make this clear up front.

If all else fails, teach your child that it’s okay to get help. Parents, teachers or counselors can always be someone to turn to when other tactics don’t work.