It has been an age-old quandary. Why do children seem to "change" when they hit that magical number of 13? At the same time, many parents go into "freeze mode" and just start counting the years until this apparent phase is over.

It may seem an extremely difficult concept, but teenagers need a parent's respect even more at this time than at any other time. Many people at this point will say something such as "oh, he knows I love him!" But love and respect aren't necessarily synonymous and we shouldn't assume the child knows that.

Granted, it's tough to show respect when someone has nothing to do but roll eyes and verbalize how little the parent knows, but it is a very vital aspect to the self esteem of any teenager.

Play a Mind Game with Yourself

When it seems as if there is no way to understand your teen, try to take a moment to play the "oh yes, I remember when" game. The game is simple... merely think back to when you were a teenager. Remember how it felt when our parents told us that we couldn't wear what classmates were wearing? Remember when our parents had nothing good to say about the friends we chose? While remembering these things, we also need to recall how those things felt. They hurt. Few parents will choose to purposely hurt their own children in those ways.

Remember how it felt when an adult criticized a choice we made when we were teenagers? It really isn't a complicated thing to tell our teen that we respect his or her opinion. We don't have to agree with it or pretend to agree with it because it's perfectly fine to add "but I don't agree with it."

Turn the Tables Around... What If My Boss Did That?!

After realizing that teens need to be respected by parents, it may help to think about your place of employment. Would we just let it slide if our supervisor criticized the way we dress or the friends we choose? Shouldn't our teenagers be afforded the same respect? If the boss came up and said "I don't want you wearing those black shoes anymore," wouldn't we insist on knowing why and dig our heels in while doing so?

The same holds true for our teenagers. If we can ask a daughter not to wear a shirt we feel isn't right for someone her age to be wearing, or tell a son he needs to be in at 10 p.m., can't we show the respect of telling them why? If the clothing crosses lines of morality you may hold dear or you go to bed at 10 and like knowing that your children are safe and at home, just say that. It won't solve the problems, it won't prevent arguments about those things, and they will still most likely roll their eyes toward the ceiling, but you will have taken a step toward showing respect.

Where Do I Start?

• Listen. One of the most important things to do is that simple, just listen. How often did we, as teens, complain that our parents didn't listen?
• Offer choices to the teenager. Even the small things, when shown that the opinion matters make a difference. This would include things that will affect the family such as food choices, and possibly decorating choices. Remember that making "house rules" to be followed with never a choice may tend to make a teen feel like a prisoner.
• Be flexible when it comes to which choices your teen will be asked to make. Do not compromise safety or morality, but there are surely many choices that can be given to the teen. You may even find that it takes some pressure off of you as a parent with someone else taking over certain kinds of choice making.
• If the teen makes a good choice, pulls a grade up, or chooses a great outfit to wear, be sure to mention that. It makes anyone feel great to hear "good choice!" or "good work!" Teens are no different, and one way to show respect is to let them hear these things from you.
• Remember that it is just as easy to say words of encouragement at the proper moments as it is to register your shock or displeasure at something the teen has done that you don't approve of.

Could it Be True?

Although the first instinctive answer to the accusation of "you're not listening to me!" is usually "yes, I am listening" are you certain about that? We were pretty convinced, and maybe still are, that our own parents weren't truly listening and trying to see our views on matters. Could it in any way be true? Test it. Really listen to your teen and then ask questions and clarify things you aren't sure about.

It has been said that when a child is most unlovable is when he needs love the most. This certainly isn't just true for younger children. It applies to our teens as well. Love and respect are not synonymous, but they are both extremely important. Tell your teen "I love you" and let him or her prove to you that they can be trusted. It will be doing both the teenager and yourself a huge favor. After all, isn't it when someone starts trusting us that we try very hard not to abuse that trust?

Because I Said So? No!

Do not try to close subjects with that old standby and cop-out of "because I said so." It just doesn't work and it touches what was discussed here earlier, that we really need to give reasons for things we request. Fairness plays a big part in respect.

It seems as if things we say to teens are often ignored, but it is not true. They hear us, just as the parent speaking to them remembers things said to them in their teen years. And they remembered. They will pretend they don't hear, but don't let that fool you.

In Closing, and Recap

• Remember to listen. A gift of time is often the most precious.
• Remember that they don't like hearing the words "Because I said so" any better than we ever liked it.
• Remember the horrible feeling in the pit of our stomach when someone said harsh words about us or the friends we chose.
• Remember how wonderful words like "great job!" sound to us.
• Remember how good a hug feels.
• Remember how it felt when we were convinced that our parents didn't understand us and most likely never would.