We may groan about how happy couples make us want to hurl, but admit it - deep down, we're really just jealous. What makes them so sickeningly blissful? What are they doing that unhappy twosomes aren't?
There are two types of happy couples: the ones that try to appear happy for everyone else’s sake, and the ones that are truly and genuinely content with each other. And much to the dismay of the “keeping up appearances” kind of couple, it’s usually easy to recognize the kind of people who really have a strong and harmonious relationship. They’re the ones taking pleasure in the smallest things, just because they’re doing those things together. And they’re the ones that you’re going to see strolling through the park hand-in-hand after fifty-plus years of marriage.
There’s an ongoing argument about the current percentage of marriages ending in divorce: some stats say as high as a staggering sixty percent while others are considerably lower. But both parties have to agree that whatever the official number, divorce is heartbreakingly commonplace these days. It’s safe to assume that very few people go into marriage already planning for a divorce. We all hope we’ve found the one that we can happily grow old with. So if that’s the case, why is divorce so popular – what goes wrong? What do the happily partnered couples do to keep their marriages good that the divorcing couples don’t?
They understand that love changes.
You may not know right off the bat what the word “limerence” means – but if you’ve ever had a relationship, you’ve experienced it. Limerence is the first stage of love, responsible for that gushy feeling you get, the butterflies in your stomach, and the constant, even intrusive, thoughts and fantasies of your beloved. The term was first coined in the late seventies by Dorothy Tennov, a professor of psychology at the University of Bridgeport in Connecticut. You could call it infatuation – it’s similar – but that word tends to suggest immaturity and a lack of seriousness; limerence happens to anyone, at any age, and it certainly feels serious to the person experiencing it. This stage can last anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years, and some people make the mistake of jumping into marriage at the limerence stage, thinking that because they feel such strong yearnings for this person, they must be “The One.” Then when the honeymoon is over and the limerence dies down, the couple thinks that since they no longer feel for one another what they used to, their relationship is a lost cause.
It isn’t only limerence that comes and goes in the course of a relationship; love has many stages, and this is something that successful couples understand and deal with. As each person changes over the years, which he or she inevitably will, so does the partnership. How much it changes depends on the outside variables of everyday life – work, children, etc. – but you can bet that your love won’t always be exactly the same as it was when it was fresh and new. Charles Collier, married to his wife Elsie for sixty-five years, phrased it this way: “Some days, loving someone is a choice.” You won’t always feel giddy when you look at your mate; in fact, sometimes you may feel too aggravated to look at him at all. Love, like the ocean, has a natural ebb and flow pattern – and just because it might be in its ebbing phase doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It’s important to learn to go with the flow, and not give up on your commitment too soon.
They take breaks from one another.
Contrary to what movies and romance novels may portray, committed couples aren’t together twenty-four hours a day; they don’t want to be! Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean you have to take up permanent residence in their backside. Happy couples know that they appreciate each other more if they don’t see each other all the time. After all, if you’re never away from someone, how can you miss them?
“Taking a break” doesn’t mean going away for weeks. It can be a day or even just an hour to yourself, taking time to regroup emotionally and spiritually. Everyone needs some occasional time alone. If your partner needs to get away for a bit, don’t take it personally or lay on a big guilt trip. Consider it valuable time for you to do things you’d like to do by yourself.
They stay affectionate.
You probably won’t see a long-term couple shoving their tongues down each other’s throats on a park bench (if you do, they may be the aforementioned “appearances” kind of couple). But what you will see as a common denominator among happy twosomes are the smaller things: hand holding, a pat on the back, a peck on the cheek, a stroke of the hair. Touch is absolutely crucial to a relationship, and I’m talking about nonsexual physical contact here. It shows your partner that you still care, that you still love the feel of his hands or her hair, and it shows the world that firmly attached and proud to be with your mate.
Don’t underestimate the power of touch; major sources of marital drama can stem from something as simple as a loss of affectionate gestures. If you’ve gradually stopped holding hands and you can’t remember the last time you gave an impromptu peck on the cheek, your partner may be inclined to read into it and entertain a variety of theories: you’ve stopped loving her. You’re cheating on him. You don’t find her attractive or worthy any more. This can cause a domino effect of diminished communication, anxiety, and resentment, and before you know it – boom! – you may find your relationship on the rocks. It would be sad to let a relationship wither and die over something as trivial as a miscommunication about the quality or frequency of affection, such an easily fixable problem.
There are lots of ways to be affectionate with your partner without making onlookers want to scream, “Get a room!” There’s nothing wrong with holding hands in public: as you’re walking together, waiting in line somewhere, or at the movies. Neither will anyone be offended by a quick kiss or a warm hug. Play footsie with each other under the table at a restaurant. At home, shower or bathe together when given the opportunity. Make affection a priority: don’t forget to make time to hug and kiss your partner before you leave for work. Even when you’re in a hurry you can still throw in an affectionate gesture – a pat on the back as you’re on your way to answer the phone, for example. And nothing makes your partner feel more needed, wanted, and loved than straight-up asking for a hug or kiss.
Affection provides emotional warmth and a reassurance of your love. Happy couples don’t begrudge their partners of those things – they don't hold back their caring physical expressions.
They treat each other with respect.
Aretha Franklin had it right: all we need is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It’s funny if you stop to think about it: we treat perfect strangers with more respect than we treat the ones we love sometimes. It’s unbelievable how far a little common courtesy will go in a relationship – if you’re going to be late, call. If you’re thinking about going out, discuss it with your mate in advance rather than an hour before you’re supposed to leave with your friends. Be courteous and polite. Your mate deserves your consideration!
They maintain their independence.
It’s an all-too-common scenario: you have two separate people, David and Vanessa. Then David and Vanessa become a couple, and before you know it, they morph into Davidnessa. Nearly all of us can relate; I’m sure you’ve had a friend ditch you in favor of an exciting new love before. Unfortunately, it happens. And it’s easy to let it happen.
Successful couples know that they must maintain their independence in order to be the best partner they can be. One way to do this is to not lose touch with your friends. Designate a time to be with them, at least once a week, and enjoy yourself – and no fudging by bringing your guy along as if it were a group date. You can handle an afternoon or evening away from your partner, and besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder!
Your mate should add something to your life, not take away from it. Don’t give up on doing the activities you enjoyed before you became somebody’s “other half.” The two of you are still individuals, just as you always have been – a fact that should be celebrated, not changed. Spending too much time attached at the hip can make one or both parties feel smothered, so it’s crucial that you both keep pursuing your own interests; it’s perfectly okay if he doesn’t like to go to your Wednesday evening scrapbooking sessions or if you don’t feel like being dragged along to yet another wrestling match. Sharing your interests can be healthy, but it isn’t necessary – nor is it recommended – to share every single one. You need some things for yourself. Keep your scrapbooking date, and let him have his night out with the guys.
It’s also easy to lose your identity in a relationship if one side tends to dominate. If you find yourself bending to your mate’s every whim, doing everything he wants to do with no input of your own, stop it! Your input is just as important as his. If you’re going to thrive as a couple, you’re going to have to learn to stand up for yourself.
They split up the household chores.
There’s not much that can sour a person’s lovin’ mood faster than feeling like the hired help. When one person does the majority of the household drudgery, that’s exactly what ends up happening – they feel like an underpaid, underappreciated manservant; then resentment builds. Author and syndicated columnist Azriela Jaffe says, “Most of us fight with each other about who's working harder than whom, who's making the most mess in the house and who should clean it up. … Give up this notion of what's fair. You can fight for the rest of your marriage about what's fair and never solve it."
To get both parties equally involved in chores, assign them by skill and preference – not stereotype. Just because he’s a macho man doesn’t mean he can’t give the living room a good swipe with the feather duster, and just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t put a little muscle into mowing the yard. Decide who does what chore the best, and divvy them up that way. For chores that you can do together, such as raking leaves, make it fun by having a leaf fight or jumping into the pile after you’ve raked it. Or if you’re alone together in the house, lock the doors and have some raunchy fun with naked housecleaning (you can still clean the house together if you want to make it G-rated, of course; just crank up some music and clean fully clothed). If you and your partner still can’t delegate chores without bickering, hire a housekeeper – the price will be worth the valuable peace that’s restored to your household!
They rely on each other, not their parents.
Girls, we’re all guilty of it – having a fight with our husbands and running directly to complain to our mothers. But guys aren’t off the hook; although they may be less frequently guilty of this, they still do it. Happy couples know that when they have a disagreement, they can settle it by themselves without having to involve a one-sided third party. It doesn’t even have to be a disagreement – many people seek counsel from their parents about a pressing issue regarding the partnership rather than talking about it with their significant other. Either way, one party feels either left out or resentful. The first task in a serious and dedicated relationship is to separate from your family of origin; you’re forming a new family now. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be involved with your parents, siblings, and extended family! It just means that now, you have your own family to think about, and there isn’t room for Mom or Dad when it comes to making important decisions.
They’ve mastered the art of constructive arguing.
Howard Markman, Ph.D., head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, said in a report to the National Institutes of Mental Health, "The quality of the couple's communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success." He went on to add, "Many people believe that the causes of marital problems are the differences between people and problem areas such as money, sex, and children. However, our findings indicate it is not the differences that are important, but how these differences and problems are handled, particularly early in marriage."
So what does this mean for the successful couples? They’ve learned the problem-solving and communication skills necessary to effectively manage the negative emotions that sometimes arise in a relationship. In short, they know how to argue productively.
If there’s an issue that you need to work out with your partner, you’ll get the best results if you approach it at a time when things are good. If you approach the issue in a time when you’re already snippy with each other over something, or one of you is in a bad mood, you’ll just end up bickering and going around in circles, not really solving anything. Since the real purpose of arguing is to eventually come to an agreement, you’ll need to put your listening ears on – don’t just dominate the conversation. You should allow your mate to express thoughts and feelings about the situation without interruption. In turn, you should receive the same courtesy. And be completely honest when you’re discussing something important. Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind – and conversely, don’t think you can read his! Don’t tell him what he thinks; he should be the one telling you.
When discussing a problem, keep it confined to the topic at hand. So often we tend to get defensive and start pointing fingers and dredging up past wrongs. A couple may start out to discuss their financial difficulties, but I can guarantee that if the discussion starts getting heated, it will somehow segue into a rant about the time he was seen at the bar with another woman, or about how she nags and nitpicks. It is very easy to just let it all come out, but in order to constructively discuss something you’ll have to stick to one issue at a time. Which means you’ll have to keep any possible emotional flare-ups in check.
They stay attractive for each other.
When you’re in a new relationship, you spend extra time on your appearance so your beloved won’t notice your cowlick or your saddlebags. You’re so attracted to each other’s looks that you can hardly keep your hands off of one another. Then, once the newness wears off and you’ve been in the relationship for a while, you dare to take your makeup off or bare your ugly feet in the other’s presence. And then it gets really bad – the years go by, and suddenly you’re doing “number two” with the bathroom door open and asking your sweetie to pluck stray hairs out of weird places – things you never would have dreamed of doing in the beginning, lest your lover find you less attractive.
There’s a lot to be said for reaching that level of extreme comfort with someone. But at the same time, it’s important not to completely let yourself go one hundred percent of the time. Losing your physical attraction to your mate can cause serious problems, because like it or not, this type of attraction is a big factor in relationships. When you aren’t attracted to your partner any more, it’s like a domino effect: your sex life suffers, your partner’s self-esteem suffers, you withdraw, and bam! – there are problems.
Inevitably, our looks will change as the years go by because of aging, kids, and so on. But regardless of the toll that time takes on you, do your best to keep yourself attractive for your mate. Keep your body in reasonable shape and try out a different hair style once in a while. If there’s a particular outfit that you know your partner likes you in, wear it sometimes. As long as the demands aren’t unrealistic – such as looking twenty when you’re actually forty-five – maintaining your looks can help keep your relationship fresh.
They keep sex spicy.
Speaking of freshness, it’s not just for the contents of your refrigerator. Happy couples know that it’s crucial to keep things fresh in the bedroom, too. When you’ve been with the same person for month after month, year after year, it’s hard (uh, no pun intended) not to fall into a routine. But spicing up your sex life is relatively easy; all it takes is a willingness to experiment and a little bit of dedication.
Scheduling intimacy may sound equal to hopping on the fast track to Boringville, but it can actually be quite the contrary. In order for a relationship to thrive, a couple must make time for sexual closeness. We often allow life to get in the way, and sex becomes a low priority on the list – something we may or may not get done later, after we worry about this and take care of that. In order to avoid this scenario, pencil in an hour or so with your honey a couple of times a week. Lie in bed together naked and touching, and just talk candidly about your day. It doesn’t have to lead to sex, but nine times out of ten it does.
The element of surprise can also help to keep your between-the-sheets action innovative. You know your partner better than anyone, so don’t do anything that would cause feelings of discomfort (physical or otherwise) – but bringing home a new toy, adult video, or a piece of racy lingerie once in a while can work wonders. You don’t have to feel like a pervert slinking into an adult novelty store (although there are lots of non-perverts that visit them, thank you very much); there are many online sites that will ship your order discreetly in an unmarked package.
They take an interest in each other.
Have you ever had the opportunity to see your spouse at work? Sometimes seeing your significant other doing his or her job can give you a whole new perspective – and a whole new respect for what your partner does. If you have the chance to watch your loved one work, do; if not, find out all you can about what they do during the day. Ask questions and really listen when they answer.
This works with hobbies, as well. Even if you don’t particularly like horse racing, learn about it if he’s an avid fan. If she loves musical theater, accompany her to a show. Taking an interest in your spouse, and in their favorite pastimes, says, “I think you’re very important and I really care about what you do.” And there isn’t a person on this earth that doesn’t love to feel important and special.
Blissful couples don’t have some sort of far-out cosmic connection that only happens to certain people – they’re just lucky enough to know what it takes to maintain harmony within a relationship. Relationships take work. They aren’t self-sufficient; like gardens, they need nurturing, love, and most importantly, to be adaptable to different conditions. And happily paired people know that, and put in the required effort, going above and beyond when necessary. It is couples like that who are still together fifty, sixty, seventy years down the road – and now that you know their secrets, you can be, too.