This is not kids play:

No, this is not yet another one of those articles about how to toilet train your kid. This is the nitty-gritty on what to do when your toilet acts, well, let’s say, crappy.

Clogs aren’t just shoes:

It was a UFO – you know, an Unidentified Floating Object. Now it is morphed into a different kind of UFO – an Unidentified Flushed Object. And it has clogged up the toilet. Water, and unmentionable stuff, everywhere, except where it’s supposed to go – down the toilet drain. What to do, what to do?

After mopping up, the first thing to try is the suction cup plunger. No home is complete without one. Push the plunger into the bottom of the bowl and stand directly over the handle so that you can exert maximum force. With hard, quick strokes work the plunger up and down. Do not lift the plunger off the bottom of the bowl as you plunge. Give the thing about fifty good shots. I like to call this plungy-jumping. Try flushing again. If it’s clean up time again you’ll have to resort to more drastic measures.

Coming out with the closet:

Ok, so the plunger thing didn’t work. Now its time to try what is called a closet auger. Not only is it good for unclogging closets, you can use it for the toilet! No, it doesn’t really work on closets, but it does on toilets. If you don’t have one you can rent them at some rental stores. If you have lots of problems with your toilet, it might be worth buying your own. A bent-out section of coat hanger, with a hook on the end, may do the same trick if you can’t get your hands on a closet auger. Regardless, here’s what you do:

 You’ll need a large wastebasket that doesn’t leak, or a 5 gallon pail, a large plastic garbage bag, something to bail the water out of the toilet with, a plunger and a piece of string about two feet long. Of course, you also need the closet auger.

1. Put the bucket, or wastebasket, and your bailing can close to the bowl. Use the garbage bag to cover your arm and tie it, with the string, just above your elbow. Now, the phone will ring! If not you can be sure it will before you’re done with this mess. Post a look-out, or turn the answering machine.
2. Bail water and stuff from the bowl into the garbage can, or pail.
3. Push the closet auger down through the bottom of the bowl and into the toilet trap. Then, crank the auger until it catches the gunk that is causing the blockage. When you have snagged something, pull it out. Do not try to force the clog down into the pipe, pull it out.
4. Flush. If the toilet still doesn’t seem to flow at the usual rate, use the plunger as directed earlier. If it still doesn’t work right, repeat the closet auger procedure.
5. Do not pour chemical drain cleaner into the toilet bowl!

Deep seated clogs:

Sometimes the clog may progress past the toilet trap and into the pipes, seeking the freedom of the open seas. This gets a bit more serious and attempts to resolve the problem should only be made by hardy do-it-yourselfers. If you are not one of those, call a plumber. If you are one, here’s what you do:

1. Remove the toilet bowl. See the section “Bowled over” for how to do this.
2. Auger out the pipe.
3. On the vent stack to this drain, find the clean-out port. It will be at the bottom of the vent stack. Open this port, auger the pipe and close the port.
4. If you found a blockage and removed it, put the toilet back together and flush.
5. If the thing is still blocked, call a plumber because the blockage could be in the pipe that goes from your house to the sewer and specialized equipment is needed to clear this out.

Bowled over:

If it is necessary to remove your toilet and tank here is how to do it. Only stalwart do-it-yourself types should boldly go beyond this point.

1. Turn off the water. Turn off the tank supply valve, or if there isn’t one, turn off the main water valve for the house. Make absolutely sure all the kids have both gone to the toilet and had a drink of water before doing this because if you don’t you can be certain they will want one or the other, or both, long before you are done your work!
2. Ok, so the water’s off and the other members of the household are content. Now, flush and hold open the ballcock to drain all the water out of the tank. Use a sponge to mop up any water that remains in the bottom of the tank.
3. Disconnect the water line to the toilet tank. Unbolt the toilet from the floor. If the nuts are rusted on real good and won’t come loose, insert a bare hacksaw blade between the bottom of the toilet and the floor and saw through the bolts. Take care not to damage the floor while doing this. Wall-mounted toilets use hanger bolts.
4. With someone to help, lift the toilet free and set it on some old newspapers, or something else absorbent. Stuff a rag into the open pipe in the floor to stop sewer gasses from getting into the room. If you are replacing the toilet, you can make the old one less awkward to carry out by removing the tank from the bowl.
5. If you are going to re-install the old toilet, turn the bowl on its side so you can scrape off the old wax ring, or plumber’s putty. Then, install a new wax ring. One size ring fits all toilets, and these can be found at most hardware stores. Forget about plumber’s putty, use the ring. If you sawed off the old hold-down bolts, you will also need to pick up some new ones on that trip to the hardware store.
6. The bolts that hold the toilet down fit into slots in the closet flange at the top of the drain. This flange is fastened to the wood of the floor with wood screws.
7. With some help, position the toilet over the hold-down bolts, or hanger bolts if it is wall mounted. It is absolutely critical that the toilet be set straight down on the bolts and the wax ring. Have your helper guide the toilet onto the bolts while you gently and carefully set the bowl straight down.
8. Press the bowl down so that it is about level. Replace the nuts on the bolts and turn them firmly, gently, and equally until the bowl is flush with the floor. Do not over-tighten the bolts because this will cause the porcelain of the bowl to crack.

The leaking toilet bowl:

There are several things that can cause a toilet bowl to leak. Here’s a list of symptoms and suggested repairs:

1. Water on the floor may be caused by condensation on the outside of the tank dripping onto the floor. If this is what is happening, you can cover the tank with a jacket made for this purpose. Another alternative is to line the tank with insulation. There are kits available to do this.
2. The water supply line to the tank may be leaking at the shut-off valve or at the bottom of the tank. If this is so, tighten the connection carefully with an adjustable wrench. Do not apply too much pressure to the wrench. If the water supply line needs to be replaced, use a flexible braided one, they don’t require sealing with Teflon tape, as the solid metal lines do. Once tightened, the seals on the flexible lines are virtually leak-proof.
3. If the flush tank is leaking where the tank joins the toilet bowl, try tightening the bolts that hold the tank to the bowl. Again, be careful not to over-tighten. If that doesn’t work, you will have to remove the tank and replace the rubber seal between the tank and the bowl. Shut off and drain all water before attempting this.
4. If the water is leaking from the base of the bowl, where it contacts the floor, you should try tightening the hold-down bolts first. The bolts are covered with porcelain caps that you carefully pry up and off with the tip of a flat screwdriver. Then tighten each bolt the same amount, or the same number of turns. If it still leaks, you will need to replace the wax toilet seal. This will require removing the toilet. The procedure for doing that was covered in the previous section.

New toilets:

When you decide to replace your old toilet with a new model, you will need to know the measurement from the wall out to the hold-down bolts or the center of the closet bend.

New toilets now use no more than 1.6 gallons of water per flush. There are two types: gravity-flush or pressure-assisted. Gravity-flushers are similar to the old models, but they are designed to produce a more forceful water flow. They are less expensive than pressure-assisted models, but may require more than one flush to clear the ka-ka.

The pressure-assisted toilet uses compressed air for a more powerful water flow. They seldom require more than one flush to clear up old business. The disadvantages are that they can cost twice as much as the gravity models, they are noisier, and cost more to repair.

So, there you have it. That’s the all the poop on toilets.

Note: The author is not responsible for injury of damage caused by following the above advice.