Martha is a fifty something year old woman who grew up in a home with an
abusive, alcoholic father. The father hated his daughter, but he even abused
his sons whom he claimed to love. His cycle of abuse was predictable. The girls
would prepare his meal then he would retire to the living room with his bottle
of scotch. When he was drunk the verbal and physical abuse would start. Aside
from the abuse, the family lived in poverty, was isolated from anyone who could
find out what the home was like.
Martha made a vow that she would not live this way. She married at seventeen
and began her family. She was successful in business, but was starved for love
and intimacy. Whenever she would get into friendships she seemed to find the
alcoholic or drug addict to rescue. She would pour love on the people she
thought needed rescuing, only to time and time again be left hurting.
Defined
1. Co-dependency can be described as a dysfunctional pattern of living in
which one overreacts to things going on outside of oneself and under reacts to
what is going on inside. It involves compulsive behaviors and dependence upon
approval from others in order to achieve a sense of safety, identity and
self-esteem.
2. Is a psychological condition in which someone exhibits too much, and
often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Characteristics
An exaggerated sense of
responsibility for the actions of others.
A tendency to confuse love
and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
A tendency to do more than
their share, all of the time.
A tendency to become hurt
when people don’t recognize their efforts.
An unhealthy dependence on
relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a
relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
An extreme need for approval
and recognition.
A sense of guilt when
asserting themselves.
A compelling need to control
others.
Lack of trust in self and/or
others.
Fear of being abandoned or
alone.
Difficulty identifying
feelings.
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting
to change.
Problems with
intimacy/boundaries.
Chronic anger.
Lying/dishonesty.
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions
Diagnosing
Since this is a relatively new condition the DSM-IV has not made it clear
how to diagnose co-dependency.
Dr. Timmen Cermak, MD has come up with a method for those treating this
addiction.
A. Continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both
one-self and others in the face of serious adverse consequences.
B. Assumption of responsibility for meeting others' needs to the exclusion
of acknowledging one's own.
C. Anxiety and boundary distortions around intimacy and separation.
D. Enmeshment in relationships with personality disordered, chemically
dependent, other co-dependent, and/or impulse-disordered individuals.
E. Three or more of the following:
Excessive reliance on denial.
Constriction of emotions
(with or without dramatic outbursts).
Depression.
Hypervigilance.
Compulsions.
Anxiety.
Substance Abuse.
Has been (or is) the victim
of recurrent physical or sexual abuse.
Stress-related medical
illnesses.
Has remained in a primary
relationship with an active substance abuser for at least two years
without seeking outside help.1
Treatment
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment
often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship
to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education,
experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which
co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior
patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with
feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family
dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings
again.