Does This Sound Familiar?

You stand near the buffet at a lively party, pretending to decide on an appetizer but secretly working up the courage to talk to someone. You envy how easily others seem to engage in conversation, laughing and chatting like old friends with people they met ten minutes ago.

"What do you think of the party?" says a voice at your elbow. You glance over your shoulder at the stranger, then quickly look down at the table to compose a response. Not wanting to seem shy, you turn your head back to the other guest, chin held high.

"It's great," you say, "Cheri's done a fabulous job decorating the place, don't you think?"

"Yeah." An awkward pause. "Well, see you."

You sigh inwardly. You were polite, you didn't stumble over words, and you asked a question in return: why do your conversations with strangers never last beyond a few words?

The Body Speaks Its Own Language

The problem may be what you say without speaking: physical signals may be short-circuiting your conversations. Nonverbal communication, sometimes called "body language," is an important method of human interaction which can send messages as strongly as our words. Experts disagree whether nonverbal communication is an innate quality of our species or if it is learned through contact with human society. Without dispute, however, we can learn to recognize and control our body language to send the nonverbal messages we want.

Reading the Signs

There are hundreds, even thousands, of nonverbal cues; entire careers are dedicated to cataloging them. The good news: you don't have to be an expert to start using your body to send the messages you want. There are seven main transmitters of nonverbal signals which can impact your conversations with others:

• Distance
• Body Alignment
• Eye Contact
• Head Tilts
• Facial Expressions
• Hands
• Feet

1. Distance

Have you ever wondered why twenty adults squeezed in an elevator suddenly find the indicator lights so fascinating? Anthropologists tell us that the spacing between two people affects their interaction with each other. This distances are called "proxemic zones" and have four main categories: intimate, personal, social, and public. The actual size of these zones vary from culture to culture and situation to situation, but they can be generalized. In increasing size, the zones are:

1) Intimate (0-18 inches)

2) Personal (18 inches to 4 feet)

3) Social (4 to 10 feet)

4) Public (10 feet to infinity)

For our purposes, public distance is too far away to have true social interaction, and intimate space is reserved for the closest relationships. However, the line between personal space and social space causes problems for many. Americans tend to maintain greater personal spaces than many other cultures, and feel crowded if a stranger or new acquaintance steps too far into their personal zone. If you notice the other person back away a bit as you talk, respect their space and allow them to set the "comfort distance" of the conversation. This courtesy may relax the situation and set the stage for a successful social interaction.

2. Body Alignment

We show agreement, interest, and receptiveness to others by turning our torsos toward them. People who work in sales are often instructed to keep their upper bodies facing their prospective customer. Why? Angling the shoulders away send the signals that you are uncomfortable, uninterested, or even infriendly. When engaging in conversation with someone, send an invitation for them to continue speaking by aiming your body to face theirs.

3. Eye Contact

Looking directly into someone else's eyes is a powerful nonverbal tool. People maintain eye contact longer with people they like and tend to avert their gaze from those they dislike. Begin a conversation by looking the other person in the eye to establish communication, and "check back" regularly to maintain the connection. Beware of staring, however: direct gazes lasting more than three continuous seconds can actually raise stress levels between the viewers. Breaking eye contact intermittently is quite natural and sends a relaxed, welcoming signal, not one of disinterest.

4. Head Tilts

The position of the head is a strong indicator of the speaker's feelings. Lifting the chin and tilting the head back sends a message of contempt, superiority, even arrogance. Couples flirting often tilt their heads to the side to express coyness, sensitivity, and receptiveness. Leaning your head slightly forward indicates agreement, concern for the other person, and attention to what is being said.

5. Facial Expressions

People uncomfortable in social gatherings often adopt a neutral, or "expressionless" face. This blank face, however, sends a subtle message to others to keep their distance. Keep an alert, positive expression to welcome others to come and talk. And smile like you mean it: forced or "polite" smiles usually mean a person is shy or uncomfortable in their current situation. A truly heartfelt smile warms interpersonal relations like few other expressions.

6. Hands

One of our most sensitive tactile receptors, the positions and motions of the hand convey a wealth of information about a person. Crossed arms are a common sign of a defensive attitude. When anxiety increases, people touch their own face or lips, hold an arm or wrist, or massage a hand or the back of their neck to unconsciously relieve stress. Making gestures with upraised, open palms treats listeners as allies, and encourages agreement and rapport. Conversely, palm-down gestures show dominance, denial, and distance.

7. Feet

Foot positions reflect our attitudes as well. Pointing your feet towards someone sends a message of inclusion; pointing them away shows you'd prefer to be somewhere else. A dangling foot (especially in a high heel shoe) is a sign of a seductive or playful mood, while firmly-rooted feet indicate a person who wishes to be left alone. One of the best nonverbal ways to use your feet to show interest in talking, of course, is to take the plunge and walk over to them!

Start Small

To begin using more receptive, conversation-friendly body language, start small. Pick one or two areas to work on, such as body alignment or eye contact. Learn to watch other highly social people for physical cues that include others and indicate interest in continued interaction. Build your repertoire of nonverbal communication enough, and you may find yourself starting conversations without saying a word.

Further References

A great resource for further study of nonverbal communication is the Nonverbal Dictionary of Gestures, Signs, and Body Language Cues. It can be found on the Web at http://members.aol.com/nonverbal2/diction1.htm. It includes scholarly research, social uses of nonverbal communication, examples from literature and modern media, and much more.

If you want more information about proxemics and the study of personal space,check out http://www.bremercommunications.com/Proxemics_How_We_Use_Space.htm