Do your children seem to constantly fuss and fight? Have you taken on the endless role of referee? Do you crave peace and harmony? You're not alone! Sibling rivalry is a common, albeit often unpleasant, sight in most homes. After all, your children didn't have the option to choose each other for brothers or sisters. They might have chosen their friends, but not their siblings, and somehow, they must learn to coexist together and, hopefully, form a close relationship with each other. This may be easier said than done, however.

Potential Problems

There may be several different reasons for the problems and conflicts that pop up on a nearly daily basis with your children. The closeness in age of the children and/or the gender of each child can contribute to sibling rivalry. Personality differences can also affect any relationship, and this is not an exception when it comes to siblings. Competition can be extremely fierce between siblings, and jealousy and resentment may build as the years go by. Parental attitude can play a huge part in just how severe sibling rivalry can become.

Differences

Simply the difference in ages can contribute to conflicts between brothers and/or sisters. Older siblings may use the age difference to their advantage, pointing out the ineptness of their younger brother or sister and emphasizing their own superiority. Children who are close in age may enjoy playing together one minute and fighting the next, and this is to be expected. Gender differences can also cause problems. Siblings may not have much in common with each other, or they may resent the attention that the other sibling receives simply because of his or her gender.

Differences in personality can also wreak havoc in a relationship. Some children are introverts, preferring to spend their time quietly reading, working on projects, or playing with only one or two friends at a time. Others are extroverts who love group sports and games, crave excitement, and are very vocal about their wants and needs. Conflicts can easily arise because of a lack of understanding and tolerance between the siblings.

Competition

Competition can play a big role in the rivalry between brothers and/or sisters. This competition can be found in several areas including academics, sports, extracurricular activities like music or dance, and even popularity. If a child has an older brother or sister who excelled in any of these areas, she may resent having to grow up in his or her shadow. If this competition persists throughout the years, some children grow up feeling resentful and jealous, and this can cause a rift between siblings that may be hard to fix.

Violence

Some relationships are so full of jealousy, resentment, and even hate that volatile confrontations can become violent. This violence is a sign that there are serious problems that need to be dealt with, and professional counseling may be the only way to find a permanent resolution.

Self-esteem

Destructive behavior can leave emotional scars that may last a lifetime. A child's self-esteem that has suffered repetitive blows may have a hard time recovering. Some children have a more difficult time shrugging off insults, taunts, and criticism from their siblings than other children do. Children who may already be emotionally fragile might have difficulty handling constant conflict, and their bruised self-esteem may follow them into adulthood and other relationships.

Parental Attitude

Parental attitudes can have a huge influence on the severity of sibling rivalry. Obviously, it is impossible to treat each child exactly the same all the time, and parents can drive themselves crazy if they attempt to do this! However, it is very important to be fair and to show impartiality. Parents should never make comparisons between their children or set up circumstances where competition may ensue, causing resentment and hostility.

It is so important to recognize and celebrate the uniqueness of each child. Parents should teach their children how to handle conflict, and one of the best ways to do this is by example. While many people believe children should never witness their parents fighting, a healthy disagreement between adults can teach children a valuable lesson.

Parents should teach their children to treat each other with respect even when conflicts arise. Children should be taught how to express their anger without name calling or ridicule. In addition, parents can help teach their children to manage anger by helping them find the appropriate words to express their emotions.

What can you do?

If you have to referee sibling conflicts on a regular basis (and most parents of more than one child do), you should have a game plan.

(1) Don't automatically dismiss your child's anger. Instead, it is important that you recognize your child is upset, whether he has a legitimate right to be or not.

(2) Don't promote guilt. You don't want to force your child to act a certain way out of guilt. It is much better and more productive if you help them resolve any conflicts that may arise.

(3) Do give your children an opportunity to handle their disagreements without interference from you. Often, children begin arguments and fights simply to get attention from their parents. Step back and see if your children can resolve their conflicting issues. Don't instantly jump into every argument. If you can ignore them for a little while, they may settle the problem without your help.

(4) Do look for ways to ward off confrontations. For example, if you know your children are going to fight about who will get the first piece of cake, have a system in place. One suggestion might be to let each child take turns being first for a whole day.

(5) Do use positive reinforcement. When you see appropriate and good behavior out of your children, let them know it! Praise is an excellent behavior management tool, so don't be afraid to dish out the compliments!

Consequences

Finally, it is important that your children realize there are consequences for both good and bad behavior. You need to come up with a fair system of punishments and rewards and, above all, be consistent. Some parents have found success stopping those constant disagreements by simply punishing everyone involved. This would certainly cut down on repetitive tattle tales! You should also come up with ways to reward good behavior.

Punishment

Punishments can include the following. You can use any or all of these suggestions and come up with some of your own, but make sure the punishment fits the crime.

(1) Give each child a timeout. Make sure you make the timeout age appropriate for your child.

(2) Withhold privileges. If your child wants to watch an extra hour of a special television program, you can deny her that opportunity as a punishment for inappropriate behavior. Be sure you tell her why you aren't allowing her to watch it, however. The punishment won't work if she doesn't understand what it is for!

(3) Limit your child's activities. If your child loves video games, you may need to ground him from playing them for a day or two. When you take something from him that is close to his heart, he just might listen!

Rewards

Just as punishments are often necessary, rewards are essential if you want to emphasize good behavior.

(1) Praise your children when they work problems out by themselves. Give them an extra treat to show you recognize what they are doing.

(2) Make each child feel special by allowing them to do special things, such as choosing the family movie or picking the restaurant for the night.

(3) Children love stickers, so when you see good behavior out of your children, give them a sticker on their good behavior chart. Once they've accumulated so many stickers, they can trade them in for a toy, video or computer game, movie, or an ice cream or candy treat.

You probably can't stop your children from fussing occasionally, but you can teach them how to handle conflicts by treating each other with respect. Hopefully, as they grow and mature, they will find that they have more in common with each other, and they will forge a deeper bond that will follow them throughout their lives. In the meantime, manage their disagreements by giving them consistent consequences, and reinforce their good behavior with plenty of praise.