"Errr, son? I think it's time we discussed, uhhh...(cough)... sex. There comes a time in every man's life when, ehhh ..." Sound familiar? Maybe that's how your parents talked to you about sex. Or maybe it sounds like you, talking to your own kids. Discussing sex with kids is never easy, but following a few simple guidelines can make it less painful.
Sex: it comes as naturally to us as breathing or sleeping. We do it on a regular basis (well, some people do – and those who don’t, wish they did). And it’s an important part of life. So why do we have so much trouble talking about it – especially with our kids?
The simple answer is embarrassment and awkwardness. Perhaps it’s a carryover from the rigidity of the Victorian era. It’s rather ironic in this day and age, though, since popular culture is saturated with sexuality; it’s splashed across billboards, glossily portrayed in magazine photos, and a prominent topic on our favorite television shows. Even one-time “good girl” singers – and former Mouseketeers – Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, have become brazenly sexual since the onset of their careers (much to the chagrin of the parents of their preteen fans). And that’s exactly why it has become so important to discuss sex with our kids at increasingly early ages – because no matter how we try to shield them from the overtly sexual nature of modern American culture, even very young children are bound to absorb some of it.
But how do we go about approaching such a delicate – and admittedly uncomfortable – subject with kids? Thrusting a book at them may provide them with the fundamental information, but allows little room for open discussion. A basic and perfunctory explanation (quick and painless: like pulling off a Band-Aid) might be more comfortable for you, but can leave your kids scratching their heads in confusion – and can exclude many important aspects of sexuality. And although a comprehensive one-on-one discussion seems ideal, somehow it just isn’t as effective when awkwardly punctuated with coughs, throat-clearing, and lengthy pauses.
Much hype surrounds “The Talk.” In reality, though having a sit-down with your kids is great, teaching them about sex doesn’t have to be done in one cram-it-all-together session. It should be a process that occurs over time, questions answered as your child asks them in order to satisfy his or her natural curiosity. The goal is for your child to be as comfortable talking to you about sex as they would be about homework or other seemingly mundane topics. However, you have to be comfortable with the topic before your child will be.
Tips For “The Talk”
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, when talking to your child about sex, it is important to:
Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
Use words that are understandable and comfortable.
Try to determine your child's level of knowledge and understanding.
Keep your sense of humor and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one's partner.
Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.
Before embarking on such a discussion, though, there are a few things that a parent must do.
Figure Out Why You’re Uncomfortable
There are plenty of reasons that parents feel less-than-okay about having the dreaded “birds and the bees” chat with their offspring. It’s perfectly normal to feel apprehensive. Part of overcoming that is pinpointing exactly which aspects of the discussion make you the most uncomfortable; once you identify and work through these issues, you’ll be much better prepared to talk things over with your child.
You don’t want to think of your child as a sexual being.
Nobody wants to think of their parents having sex – and no parents want to think of their child in terms of their sexuality, either. But the truth is, human beings are sexual from birth. From infant to teenager, kids are curious about their own bodies – and that’s a normal, healthy part of growing up. Ignoring your child’s sexuality isn’t going to make it go away. Since it’s going to be an issue whether you address it or not, why not do your best to ensure that your child has a healthy view of sexuality instead of trying to repress it?
You feel under-qualified.
You don’t have to be Dr. Ruth in order to answer questions about sex. Obviously you have at least a little experience with it – otherwise you wouldn’t have a child to be discussing it with! You’ll be surprised at how much you know; most of your child’s questions will be basic. Remember, it’s all new to them, so they’ll just want to know the fundamentals – at least at first. And if you’re surprised by a question you don’t know the answer to, don’t try to come up with something; simply tell the child that you’re not sure, but you’ll find out. Realizing that even parents are still learning about sexuality may even help to make your kid feel more at ease.
You don't think your child is ready for such a subject.
Kids are naturally curious about everything, even sex. You can tailor your explanations of things to make them more age-appropriate. For example, the alarming “Where do babies come from?” question: if your child is very young, you can explain that babies are made when a daddy’s special seed combines with a mommy’s. If the child is a little older, you can add in exactly how the two “seeds” combine, and exactly where they come from. If your child doesn’t ask questions about sex by age six, it’s up to you to initiate the discussion. Don’t worry – you can do it! The earlier you initiate discussion, the easier it will be to keep an open dialog as your child grows.
You feel that talking about sex might encourage sexual activity.
Part of the reason it’s so difficult to talk to our kids – older kids especially – about sex is that, on some level, we believe that discussing it will pique their curiosity and encourage them to experiment. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth; in fact, not talking about it could be detrimental. According to the American Social Health Association, research has shown that “… uninformed children are at greater risk for early sexual activity, sexually transmitted diseases or infections (including AIDS), pregnancy, sexual exploitation, and abuse.” If your kids don’t learn about sex from you, they’ll learn about it from friends who may be misinformed, from the media, or though their own casual experimentation.
Be honest – even if you don’t know an answer or are uneasy about something.
Treat your child with respect and dignity – don’t laugh at any questions, even if you think it’s cute.
Listen. It’s the most important part of communication!
Don’t treat every little thing as a crisis. If you find out that your teenaged daughter has been sexually active, don’t fall to pieces over it and fly off the handle yelling and screaming; encourage her to be responsible, make sure she knows the risks and consequences of sexual activity, and thank your lucky stars that you found out before a real crisis occurred. Then, privately, go scream into a pillow.
Don’t Be Afraid to Show Your Own Sexuality
Now, now, before you go getting all shocked – I’m not saying you should engage in a heavy makeout session with your significant other in front of your child in order to teach a lesson. But parents who are comfortable with their own sexuality, and make no secret that they’re still attracted to each other, have kids that are more likely to be comfortable with their sexuality. Be open with your sexuality from the time your children are very small; they’ll learn to see it as a normal component of a partnership and won’t be so grossed out about it later on. In an interview with About.com, sex educator and author Meg Hickling says, “Children should grow up knowing that sexual activity is a healthy part of a healthy committed relationship, so I’m always saying to parents, ‘For goodness sake, celebrate the fact that you’re still attracted to each other!’ I joke with them and say, ‘The biggest secret in the whole world is that Saturday morning cartoons were invented so parents can have sex.’”
Teach Them More Than Just Mechanics
As we all know, sexuality encompasses much more than the basic physical structures. It has complex emotional and social ties as well, which cannot be ignored. As tempting as it is to just go over the rudimentary “boys have a penis, girls have a vagina” spiel, it is vitally important that you talk about sex in more than just a physical context. Older kids, preteen on up, need to know that sex involves responsibility, respect, and emotion. By discussing all the aspects, your child will have a clearer understanding of the whole picture – not just the physical.
With adolescents, you should outline the process of sex, from dating onward – kids that age can grasp the concept that sex and emotion are often interrelated. Make sure your child knows the consequences of being irresponsible with sex, such as STDs, unplanned pregnancies, and hurt feelings. Let them know that they are responsible for protecting themselves, and teach them their options (condoms, abstinence, etc.).
Let’s be honest: it’s probably never going to be completely easy to talk to your kids about sex. But by using “teachable moments” and being available to answer questions, you can make the process a lot less painless – and give your children a healthier view of sexuality. Maybe by the time they talk to their own children about this delicate subject, they’ll be more comfortable than you were. Then again … maybe not.
Learn to Be An Approachable Parent
It is crucial that your kids know they can come to you with any questions they may have, no matter how intimate or personal. But the thought of discussing these things with parents can cause some kids to seek out other sources of information. In order to be the kind of parent that kids will feel comfortable approaching:
External Links:
I Wanna Know - Sexual health and STD prevention information for teens.