Maybe love is full bloom and you finally met that person whom completes you; or a family member is no longer able to care for their children and you fit the bill; or the adoption process is complete and you have a new bundle of joy to care for – whatever your situation, bringing children into a new atmosphere can be a trying experience no matter what the new situation has to offer.

But, there is hope. New families can successfully transition from the new and unknown to the family unit you have always dreamed of. It just takes time, perseverance and a little elbow grease to make it work.

The beginnings of a new family.

All blended/non-traditional families begin in their own unique way. The most common circumstances in which families become families are by re-marriage, adoption or caregiver situations. No matter the situation, there are some things you should cover with your child before you change their lives forever.

As soon as possible, alert your child to the upcoming situation. This is easier for some than others – depending on the circumstances - but very important nonetheless. Be sure to cover the basics:

· What’s going on now. Explain to your child the current situation – you’ve fallen in love and that person asked you to marry them; or if you have existing children and plan to adopt, explain why you want to adopt; or if the child is a family member, explain why it is important that they come and stay with you. Being up front with your child shows him/her that you validate their position in the current and future family unit, and helps maintain an open line of communication.

• How the new situation can better everyone’s life. Explain exactly why you want to make this transition into a new family – don’t forget to mention how the situation benefits everyone involved – that can help the child decide to have a positive attitude going into the new family.

• Tell them exactly what will happen in the future. While you may not be a mind reader, you can easily explain the upcoming changes – moving into a new house shared by new people, having new people move into your existing family house or losing a member of the family (i.e. – the child’s mother or father may be leaving the current living situation). Explaining this up front prepares them for the changes soon taking place.

• How do they feel? This is probably one of the most important issues to cover. Always ask your child how they feel about the situation – it validates their concerns and helps them feel heard, which can only strengthen communication between you.

We’re all in this boat together, now what?

Just because you had a discussion with your child before the new situation came into effect doesn’t mean that life will be all roses when it comes time to make the change. The real issues present themselves once everyone is under one roof.

Things like discipline measures, sharing living space, lifestyle expectations and even something as small as new bedtime rules can turn a child’s life upside down.

It is very easy for a child to feel pushed aside, ignored and unwanted during the process of blending a family. In order to alleviate these feelings, put the following tips to use:

Gather the troops.

Once the new living situation is in place – immediately sit down with everyone in the house. It is best to do this in the first week or two of coming into the situation so everyone is on the same page. Since this is the first family meeting, it may take a little time (2 hours at the most), but you have a lot to cover. Discuss everything – behavior expectations, discipline, chores, activity schedules, bed time and more. But don’t just bark out the orders – keep in mind that this is a forum, so while you bring up each topic have everyone give feedback. Making these decisions together as a family will help everyone accept the new changes and help build a strong family foundation. It shows each family member - especially the children - that you are a team fighting for a healthy, happy family.

Make one on one time.

In order to know what is going on with your child, you must keep the lines of communication open. Once closed, then all bets are off and bigger problems will eventually arise.

Make sure that once a week you have some one on one time with each child. Ask them about what is going on in their life, how they like or dislike the new family situation and how they would make it better. They are more likely to discuss problems they are facing when not in a group setting, so make this time a priority. If they have any problems, help them work through it. This is a great way to teach children that through talking and problem solving great solutions exist.

But don’t make it all about a question and answer period – do something fun. Go roller skating, fly a kite, catch a movie – something that both of you enjoy. Just the act of doing something fun together improves the child/parent bond and builds trust on both parts.

Stand firm in your convictions.

Once the rules have been made and agreed upon, don’t waiver. This is a parent’s (biological or otherwise) time to show the children of the house that they mean what they say. Consistency is key to raising a healthy family. If failing a class means that the child is grounded for two weeks or if talking back to a parent means an apology – then stick to it. It may be hard to do – especially when you know that your child is still trying to find their place within the new family, but if you don’t do it now, you will pay later.

Stand firm together.

If another parent lives in the household, then both parents need to work together at all times. If one parent isn’t following through with the discipline or doing what they say they would do, then all the groundwork you covered is lost. Children aren’t stupid, and if you don’t follow through with your word, then they will not only take advantage of the situation, but can very well learn that it’s okay to say one thing and do another.

Keeping up the family feeling.

Once you’ve merged into a new family setting, don’t throw all your hard work out the window – keep it up. Make sure you incorporate the following suggestions to help maintain a happy family:

The family that plays together stays together.

Once a week (at the least, once a month) set aside a few hours or a day to do some fun family activities. That can mean a camping trip, board game night, movie night, sightseeing – whatever you choose, make the most of it. Laugh, talk, eat good food – do it all – together. This act of family time strengthens the bond and helps family members feel like they belong.

Say I love you.

Whether you say it once a day or a thousand times a day – an “I love you” makes anyone feel special. Children need to grow up knowing you do in fact love them, so make sure they clearly understand how you feel.

Herd the flock regularly.

Just because you had one family meeting doesn’t mean you are out of the water. Pick one day a month for the family to sit down for an hour to discuss what is working, what isn’t and what is coming up. This is a great way for everyone to disclose their monthly activities and any issues they have that need to be resolved. All activities discussed should be recorded on a monthly calendar so everyone is aware of the month’s commitments. It is also a great way for family members to ask for support if it is needed.

Don’t stifle happy times in the past.

If a child brings up a happy memory from the past – maybe from their life in your previous marriage or talking about a parent no longer in the picture – join in the discussion. It is important for their past to be validated – you can’t just wipe the slate clean and start over. This helps the child understand that their happiness is important, and while you may not be in that situation any longer – you respect the positive memories that make up your child’s life.

Do continue to discuss the past, present and future.

Again, while your child is no longer living in the past situation, it is important to validate those feelings that arise from the past. But, don’t forget to talk about the good times happening now and what can come in the future. It is easy for children to get stuck in the past and hold on tightly to the notion that things can change back to the way they were – so it is often necessary to bring up why the situation didn’t work for you and why you are happy now. By no means is this a forum to slam the other parent or living situation, but do explain civilly and in an age appropriate way why things weren’t working, and why they work now. If they have questions about why it didn’t work, answer them truthfully – but be sure to validate the fact that the child’s other parent or guardian does still love the child no matter what – and that their relationship is just as important as yours is.

I think I am doing the right thing, but it’s not working.

Many children brought into new living situations adapt quite well, but there are some that may need some additional help.

Keep a close eye on your child and look for any signs of:

• Grief/Depression – your child is constantly moping around, not eating, not talking, not hanging out with friends, often crying, constantly questioning why they have to be in the new family, etc.

• Anger - your child is displaying his/her anger very openly by talking back, refusing to acknowledge the new family situation or new family members, yelling, screaming or is physically acting out.

• Participating in risk behaviors – if your child is older, watch for any signs of drug use, sexual relations, smoking, etc. If you find your child is participating in one or more of the above behaviors, that is a sure sign that they are unable to cope with the current family situation without help.

If your child is having any of the above problems and you are unable to reach them, there is a wealth of resources available to help. Local counselors and support groups are there to help your child learn coping mechanisms for whatever they are faced with. There are several support groups and counselors specifically designed for exactly what your child is going through. Just do a quick yellow pages or online search and pick the resource or resources that best fits your child’s needs.

And above all, don’t feel like you have failed your child. Getting the help your child needs is a successful and healthy step to take when faced with such an issue. Avoiding the problem will only make it worse – it takes a strong parent to acknowledge when help is needed and actually securing it. If it wasn’t needed, the support groups and counseling centers wouldn’t exist. And, outside help can often help a child understand that they aren’t the only one going throw this. This is an opportunity for them to meet others with similar problems and get the help they deserve.