Loss is a part of life, no matter what form it takes, whether it be the loss of a family member, friend, pet, job or the breakdown of a marriage. Loss is unavoidable. Following closely on the heels of loss is the grief that is a part of both the pain but also of the healing. Grief is thought to be the emotional reaction to pain and suffering.
The Work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross did extensive research in the 1960’s into this topic and named what she believed to be the five stages of grief that everyone passes through after suffering a loss. Her work is still held in high esteem, some forty years later.
The publication of Dr. Ross’ first groundbreaking book in 1969 titled “On Death and Dying” called attention to the awareness of the experience of death like nothing else had before. This prolific author who wrote about dying was also often described as a “teacher of life”. She went on to write eight other books on the phenomenon of dying to help demystify a topic so often shrouded in mystery and gloom.
The Passage Through the Stages
Some people progress from one stage to another in a timely fashion and the transition is as smooth as can be expected while other sometimes “get stuck” in one of the first four stages and need help in moving onto the final stage. Only upon reaching the end of the stages can a person truly be capable of moving on with his/her life. Moving through the stages of pain and grief can be difficult and having a strong support system can make a tremendous difference in the healing process.
The Five Stages of Grief
The five stages of grief, as outlined by Dr. Kubler-Ross include denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Let’s take a closer look at each individual stage.
First Stage- Denial and Isolation
In the first stage, denial and isolation, a person denies to him or herself and to everyone around him that a loss has occurred. The person fights the reality of the situation by denying that there even is one. Often a person withdraws from his/her social activities and spends more and more time by himself. This stage can last for hours, days, and sometimes weeks, depending on the individual and the impact of the loss.
Second Stage- Anger
In the second stage, that of anger, a person is angry- angry at him/herself for the loss that took place, angry at the loved one who died for letting it happen and just plain angry at the world. On a rational level the person knows that none of what transpired was his/her fault but is functioning on a purely emotional level at this particular juncture.
Third Stage- Bargaining
The third stage is bargaining which can often occur either before or after a loss and usually involves bargaining with God. A person suffering may ask of God, “If I do this (or don’t do this) will you make the pain go away?” Or sometimes a person will say something to God along these lines, “If you make it not so, I promise that I will …”
Fourth Stage- Depression
The fourth stage is depression, and it takes place when the pain in the form of anger and despondency reaches its height and causes the grieving person to feel numb and deadened inside. The numbness leads to feelings of depression and usually a great deal of lethargy. Some people entertain thoughts of suicide at this stage. This stage is also the easiest to get stuck in.
Fifth Stage- Acceptance
The fifth and final stage, that of acceptance, completes the process. The mourning period with all of its roller coaster emotions begins to dissipate at this time and the grieving person is now ready to accept the reality of what has taken place. True healing cannot occur until there is acceptance of the loss. Once that happens, the person is free to move on with his/her life because the loss has been put into its proper context.