Dating again. It’s frightening. It’s unpredictable. Somehow if you’re single, you’re drawn to it….then you look in the mirror and wonder: Should I? Can I? Do I dare?

If you’re single again, you’re certainly not alone. Although it can feel very isolating and alone, half of American adults are single!

Before you try dating, it’s important to:

Wait. Most experts recommend that you wait at least six months after your relationship ends before you plan on having a steady relationship. Some recommend waiting two years. The time will vary, but if you’ve worked through all the grief, you’re on your way. If not—it’s better to wait.

Become comfortable with yourself. Can you eat out, shop, and live alone? For many singles, it takes awhile to adjust; but it’s important for your mental health. If you can’t stand being alone, you’ll probably come across as too clingy in a new relationship.

Make sure you have solid friendships. Don’t look for a love relationship as a replacement for friends; you need both. When you suddenly become single, married friends often avoid you. So before you climb on the dating merry-go-round, be sure you have good friends who will support you through your adventure. After all, you’ll probably need their feedback!

Make sure you’re over the last relationship. Nobody wants to spend the first date listening to your long list of complaints (or tears) about your ex. Worse yet is playing the blame game. That’s when you take turns telling each other how horrible your ex was to you.

Know what you’re looking for. Most people test the waters gingerly at first, and they need to be up-front about it. Others make no secret of the fact that they’re looking for a steady, long-term relationship. Be honest about what you’re looking for, even if it means you don’t get to hook up with that cute guy at the office.

Learn What to Do. Most people who haven’t dated in 10, 20, or 30 years feel awkward. They think the rules have changed—and they have! What was acceptable and right for you at 18 doesn’t work at 38. Ask other singles about their dating experiences, and listen to the answers. Does the man bring flowers? Who pays? Who asks whom? Is it okay to call? You’ll gain valuable insight by hearing others relate their stories, and you’ll be more comfortable when you decide to take the plunge yourself.

Discuss it With Your kids. Let them know you’re going out, if they’re old enough to understand. Don’t include them, though, til you know this is somebody who might stay around for awhile. Kids often get emotionally attached quickly, particularly after a divorce. There’s no need to risk their feelings, especially with someone you don’t know well.

Meeting People

Now that you’re ready, how are you going to meet potential partners? I stayed in my house for three years after a particularly bad experience, until I realized that Mr. Right was not going to walk through my door—unless he was the Fedex guy! You have to get out if you want to meet potential dates. Go to the bookstore, the mall, and the singles clubs. Join other clubs that interest you, like hiking, birdwatching, dance lessons, or whatever catches your eye. You’ll immediately have something in common!

Tell your friends that you think you’re ready; they might know someone to hook you up with. If you don’t say you’re interested, they may not think of it. This can be the best way to meet people; friends can screen out the ones who aren’t right for you.

Try online dating, but proceed with caution. Be careful and safe. There are just as many kooks on the internet as you’ll find anywhere else—maybe more. I’ve heard women tell stories of dangerous men, and men tell of women who borrow money on the first date—lots of it—and then disappear. Online dating can greatly increase the pool of possible dates. Be sure you’re honest in your profile, and use a recent picture—not one from twenty years ago!

So, you’ve met someone and you’ve made a date. Now what?

Relax! It’s normal to feel nervous at first, but try to remember that a date is supposed to be fun. Admitting that your nervous can be disarming, and often your partner will admit he/she is nervous too.

Be comfortable and confident. It’s important to wear something nice but comfortable, so you’re not tugging at your shirt (or skirt) all evening. Be sure of yourself. Nothing is more attractive than self-confidence! Look in the mirror before you leave, smile, and tell yourself: I’m worth it.

Be yourself. Putting on airs won’t work, and people can tell when you’re artificial. Be real, and she’ll appreciate you all the more!

Don’t talk to much. If you talk a lot when you’re nervous, now is the time to clamp it. Excessive talking can make you look self-centered, and that’s NOT attractive.

Listen! The person sitting across from you is just as starved for attention as you are. He wants to be heard. You’ll get to know who he is if you practice good active listening.

Avoid hot topics (like politics). Keep it light and not too personal. She should NOT know everything about you, from your shoe size to your income, at the end of the first date. If you know you tend to reveal too much, plan some conversation starter questions beforehand, like: Tell me about your hopes and dreams. Tell me something you’ve always wanted to do, but never did. Tell me what you liked to do when you were a kid.

Afterward

You met someone; you went on a first date. You call. You wait. He doesn’t call back. Don’t take it personally. Remember, you’re starting over. It’s a process that takes time, and sometimes a lot of dating, before you meet your match.

Take it slow. Don’t jump into a steady relationship, spending every waking moment together from the first date. Yes, it feels great to have someone new who wants to be with you. But you don’t really know him yet. Take time to get to know each other; after all, if it’s that great you don’t want it to crash and burn.

Recognize that we all have a need to be touched, and yet we don’t need to have sex with every person we date. Be choosy. Plan ahead so you know how long you’re going to wait before you have sex. let your partner know, when the time is appropriate (note: the first date is NOT the right time to discuss this).

Mistakes to avoid:

Sleeping with him/her because you think you should. No, you really shouldn’t. If that’s what it takes to keep the relationship, it’s not worth it.

Believing that a relationship is better than no relationship. No, it isn’t. If it’s bad for you, or if it simply doesn’t fulfill your requirements—it’s time to move on.

Freaking out when things are really good: this is probably a sign that you need to withdraw from the dating scene for awhile, or at least from getting serious.

Letting fear rule: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear that he won’t like the real you.

Leaving your own needs unfulfilled because you’re busy fulfilling your partner’s needs.