Has it been a while since your friends have stopped by your house for a visit? Has it been even longer since they’ve asked you to visit them? If the answer is yes, look at your child and then look at yourself. Chances are your child is a brat and you were the one who made him that way. The simple fact of the matter is that children learn by watching their parents. Is it time for you to be reminded of some common courtesies that will get you and your child back in your friends’ good graces?

“Please” and “Thank You”

Our children learn their social skills from us. Being a parent, I watch other parents and how they interact with their children. Very rarely do I see a parent prompt their child to say “Please” or “Thank you” and even less often do I see parents saying “Please” and “Thank you” to their own children. “Please” and “Thank you” are the first steps to appropriate social behavior for a child. If a child walks into somebody else’s house and says “I want some water,” they are going to get a much different response than the child who says: “May I have some water, please?”

So how do you teach a child to say “Please” and “Thank you”? Yelling at them when they don’t say it will only embarrass them, make them respond negatively and possibly cause them to act out. Now, I’m not advocating a complete lack of discipline here. That certainly won’t work either! The best way to teach your child to say “Please” and “Thank you” is to say it to them at every opportunity. Always remember that your child looks to you for all of their cues. If you do something, they will want to do it as well. So if you use “Please” and “Thank you,” they will too. If there are times when your child forgets to use one of these phrases, some gentle prompting should help them to remember. If little Bobby blurts out to Mrs. Jones that he wants some water, simply tell little Bobby that the proper way to get something is to ask nicely and say please. Then prompt him to try it again. When he says something to the effect of “May I have some water, please?” then you should praise him gently for a job well done and remind him to say “Thank you” once he’s received his water. (Of course, when Mrs. Jones asked you if you’d like something to drink and you simply said “yeah” then never said “Thank you” when your beverage arrived, chances are your child will never get the gist of “Please” and “Thank you” and you should pretty much plan on spending the next few years at home.) It isn’t that children aren’t as intelligent as we are – they are – they’re just smaller and less experienced.

“Excuse Me”

Another area where both children and adults fall short is in using the phrase “Excuse me.” Now I don’t mean that snotty, get out of my way now sort of “Excuse me” that many people over use, I mean the “oops!” variety of “Excuse me.” Of course, knowing when to say “Excuse me” generally requires a sense of what is and is not appropriate in social situations. Passing gas by any manner and pushing people are not commonly accepted in polite society and require an “Excuse me.” These are things that must be modeled at home for a child to understand. If your family makes a habit of passing gas and giggling while at home, you can well expect your child to do the same in public. Scolding him for doing it in public and giggling about it at home will only confuse the child. As for pushing or bumping into people, we see children do this all the time without being corrected. The key here is to teach your child that pushing other people is unacceptable behavior and requires an apology, such as “Excuse me. I didn’t mean to push you.” Of course it helps if they didn’t actually mean to do it. The child who pushes others and then feigns embarrassment is simply a nuisance. There is one more use for “Excuse me” that should be touched upon here since it is rarely used anymore. When two adults are talking and a child wishes to interrupt in order to speak to one of the adults, an “Excuse me” is definitely in order. Now, mind you, you’ll need to teach your child that saying “Excuse me” does not grant them the floor indefinitely, nor does it merit a complete break in conversation and all eyes on the interrupting child. The child should be taught to say “Excuse me” once and then stand by until the adults have finished their train of thought. Of course, “Excuse me, somebody is bleeding” should merit a much different response than “Excuse me, my pony has red hair”.

Respecting Elders

This brings us to another reason why people with children don’t get invited back for visits these days. Few children understand the idea of respect. They do understand what it feels like to be disrespected or embarrassed in public and they don’t like it, but few parents take that lesson to it’s logical next level and teach them that adults should be treated with respect and how. I, like many other people, have a problem with a four year old referring to me in the familiar and simply using my first name. It just isn’t appropriate. Children need to be taught to respectfully address adults as “Sir”, “Ma’am”, “Mister”, “Miss” or “Missus”, not as “Ted” or “Janet.” In polite society, children are expected to address Mrs. Jones as same. If Mrs. Jones is a close family friend and doesn’t mind, she may even be addressed as “Aunt Janet,” but never should a child address Mrs. Jones as simply “Janet.” Now this all begins, as always, at home. If you speak to your child about Mrs. Jones and refer to her as “Janet,” then your child will take his cue from you and address her as “Janet” the next time he sees her. The best way to teach your child how to address an adult is by referring to that adult in the manner that your child should address them. For example: “Mrs. Jones has invited us over for lunch today” rather than “We’re going over to Janet’s house today.” In the end it makes a huge difference.

For a simple way to remember these three lessons just remember: “Excuse me, Mrs. Jones, may I have a glass of water, please?” These three simple things can make the difference between a child that is a joy and a child that is a nuisance.