At last, you found the person of your dreams. You float through your days with a sigh and a smile, envisioning your storybook life together. While the gleam from that rock on your finger could down passing aircraft, certain issues, if never discussed, could put your marriage in similar danger. Before you get lost in the whirlwind of wedding plans, take the time to talk with your fiancée about the issues that could make or break your happily-ever-after.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall far From the Tree

Whether we like it or not, our families and the ways in which we were raised are the most influential factor in determining what kind of person we become. If you’re planning on tying the knot in the near future, it’s worth your time to examine both you and your partner’s family of origin. Honestly discuss with one another both the positive and negative aspects of how you were raised. It may help to keep some key questions in mind. What was your parents’ marriage like? What sorts of things were valued in your family? What things were feared? What were some of the defining moments of your childhood? What aspects of how you were raised would you like to emulate in your own family? What aspects would you like to avoid? Talking about where you’ve come from will give your future spouse deeper insight into why you are the way you are, and vice versa. It’s also a good reminder to both of you that you’re not just marrying Mr. or Ms. Right, but his or her family as well. Your fiancée may be the total package, but don’t forget that the package also includes a deadbeat brother and crazy Aunt Marge. Together, identify the strengths and weaknesses you both bring to the marriage so you can know what you’re getting into.

Round One Goes To…

Now that you and your partner understand a little more about where you’ve each come from, one of the most important questions to address before the big day is: how do I, as an individual, and we, as a couple, resolve conflict? Do you like to sit down and hammer out a solution right away, while your better half needs time and space to mull things over? Are you more likely to confront or withdraw during a conflict? When arguing, does every thought that enters your head come directly out of your mouth or do you choose your words deliberately? Do you give the silent treatment or like to scream and slam doors? Recognizing and addressing the harmful ways you deal with conflict before you seal the deal is crucial. Ask your fiancée if you have habits when it comes to conflict that drive him or her crazy, and then listen. Be willing to honestly consider what your partner has to say about you before you respond. This exercise works both ways so let your partner know what bothers you about his or her fighting style. Work out compromises regarding the way you disagree while you’re both calm and willing to talk, and you may save yourself from hurt feelings and permanent wounds when you’re in the heat of battle. Disagreements are inevitable in marriage, but learning how to fight fair can mean the difference between marital mayhem and wedded bliss.

Show me the Money

Another hot button issue many couples forget to discuss before that long walk down the aisle is finances. Tremendous amounts of turmoil can be avoided be determining a few things before you take the plunge. Are you a spender or a saver? How about your fiancée? Do you balance your checkbook to the penny every month while she tosses receipts into her glove box along with her unpaid parking tickets? Ask your fiancée how money makes him or her feel. Is it the ultimate security or meant to be spent? Some conflict may be inevitable if one of you likes to spend while the other prefers to save, but marriage for two spenders or two savers can have it’s unique challenges as well. Together, try to develop a budget that both of you can live with, and don’t be afraid to look at the long-term. Where do you want to be financially in five years? Ten years? When you retire? Better yet, which one of you will be responsible for paying the bills each month? With the advent of on-line bill paying and software like Quicken, which is designed for personal finances, paying the bills is no longer the chore it used to be. Avoid confusion and costly mistakes, (I thought you paid the rent,) by designating one person to keep track of the bills. Another issue to be aware of before marrying the man or woman of your dreams is his or her current financial state. Is he or she bringing a mountain of debt and poor credit to the union? How will his or her current financial state affect yours once you’re married? Whatever financial problems your partner has will become yours too once you’re wed so make sure you’re aware of and okay with taking on his or her financial issues.

I Always Assumed you Wanted a big Family Too…

Finding out six months after the wedding that your new spouse wants to start on a family right away (we’re not getting any younger, and having six children can take time.) while you’re still adjusting to the idea of getting a dog (you mean we have to walk it everyday?) can be discouraging. The solution to avoiding this problem, of course, is to talk, talk, talk. Talk about how many kids you’d like and how soon. Will one of you stay home with the children or will you both continue to work? It’s even helpful to discuss your philosophy on parenting and discipline (if you have one.) Come to some form of agreement on the issue of children before you say, “I do.”

Talking with your intended about these issues before you head down the aisle can mean the difference between a rocky first few years together and smooth sailing in marital bliss. Professional pre-marital counseling is often a good way to talk about these issues, and others, before the big day, but if you or your partner isn’t ready to sit down with a professional just yet, at least talk about these issues yourselves. Together, you can work out some of the classic conflict-makers in marriage before your marriage even begins.