Pregnancy should be, and often is an exciting time in the life of parents-to-be. Sometimes the joy turns to sorrow rapidly, however, and when this happens, there are things that should never be said to the grieving parents. Find out the causes, possible preventions, what to expect, and how to help someone who has suffered this devastating loss.
The time of pregnancy and the birth of a much anticipated and wanted baby should be the best time in a woman's life. It should be filled with shopping for cribs and thinking about baby names and friends holding baby showers. Time should be spent laughing with her partner about the strange food cravings and feeling a surge of maternal emotions when seeing someone with a baby.
Unfortunately, however, estimates are that ten to fifteen percent of women who have a confirmed pregnancy may have to face the devastation of a miscarriage. Each woman has to deal with such a horrendous loss in her own way, but there are ways to possibly help her. Perhaps more important, however, are knowing things that you should NOT do or say.
Why Does Such a Horrible Thing Happen?
The bottom line is that many women who have miscarriages will never know what caused it. Some of them simply happen without a known cause but many miscarriages that happen during the first three months of a pregnancy are associated with chromosomal problems and abnormalities while the cells are maturing. An abnormality with the chromosomes does not mean that something was wrong with either of the parents. There could be a genetic problem with the matching of two people, but most likely this will not be looked into unless there has been more than one miscarriage.
Sometimes, especially later than the first few months, things like falls or auto accidents are a catalyst that starts a "spontaneous abortion" (another name for miscarriage). If the pregnancy has progressed as far as the third trimester, the loss of a baby after this point is usually an illness or accident involving the mother.
Are There Still Additional Possible Causes?
If a woman's body does not produce enough progesterone to nourish a fertilized egg in the uterus, a miscarriage will occur. This also will generally not be known or tested until there are additional miscarriages.
A physical problem with the cervix (weak cervix) or uterus (fibroids) can cause a miscarriage to occur as well.
Are There Things I Can Do That May Prevent a Miscarriage?
The first answer that comes to mind for this would be that no, we can't prevent miscarriages, it's just something that happens in nature. But after giving it more thought, there are certainly things that an expectant mother will want to do to give her baby as much of a healthy start in life as possible. These are basic health issues that we need to be aware of at all times.
Drug or alcohol use, of course, is strictly taboo with a pregnancy. It is a well known fact that smoking during pregnancy can be harmful to the baby and cause low birth weights, a risk in and of itself. A heavy intake of caffeine can be harmful, as can being exposed to various chemicals, radiation, and toxic substances. A few risk factors that might apply are the age of the expectant mother (either end of the age spectrum) and whether or not there is a history of miscarriage in the mother's immediate family.
Protect yourself from events (i.e. playing certain sports) that could cause trauma to the tummy and thus, the baby. Make sure your doctor knows which medications you are taking, even over the counter. Never start taking a medication that your doctor has not either prescribed or given you permission to take.
Other risk factors include diabetes that is untreated, lupus, various infections, certain sexually transmitted diseases, and high blood pressure.
Be sure that your diet is well balanced with the foods needed for good health. Take the daily vitamins that your doctor will prescribe and drink enough water. Getting enough rest is also a good habit to get into while pregnant.
Are There Signs? How Would I Know?
Often the first sign that a miscarriage may be approaching is the start of vaginal bleeding. If you are pregnant and notice any bleeding at all, see a doctor immediately. Do not panic because there can be other reasons for this happening and it does not automatically point to a miscarriage, but it does need to be taken care of without delay.
Sometimes there will be a vaginal gush of fluid that will come without any pain and usually without bleeding. This is another thing that needs immediate attention, but like with the bleeding, it does not necessarily mean that a miscarriage is happening. It may be just a matter of having you stay off of your feet for a little while, but do not let it go unchecked. See a doctor right away. If it is not during your doctor's regular hours, go to the emergency room.
What Will the Doctor Ask?
Having to see the doctor when you are filled with anxiety about an issue such as bleeding is not something one can prepare for. Just try to stay as calm as you can and get through the questions he or she will need to ask you.
You will need tell your health care provider or emergency room worker when the bleeding started and how heavy it has been. How much blood has there been, and is there any pain occurring? Have you had it before with this pregnancy? How many weeks are you into your pregnancy?
The doctor will also be asking if you have fallen or if there was a blow to your abdominal area. Have you been in a vehicle accident? Were you exercising heavily before the bleeding started? Does the bleeding stop when you lie down to rest?
In addition to the bleeding questions, the physician will want to know if you have had fever or any kind of illness, if there is pain, if you are dizzy or fatigued. Other questions may include if there has been nausea or diarrhea, or changes in bowel or urination habits. The doctor will most likely want to perform a pelvic exam and take a blood sample.
I Know Someone Who Miscarried, What Can I Say?
Don't make assumptions about whether or not someone who has just gone through such an overwhelming loss wants to either hide it or spend time talking about it. If it is not obvious right away, you may want to simply ask her if talking about it is something she would like to do. Some people will be happy for the chance to talk about it while others will want to avoid it while the pain is so fresh and mourn privately. In either case, let her make the decision on whether or not to discuss her loss at that moment and respect her decision.
Much more important than what to say is what NOT to say.
Do not under any circumstances say things like she's young and will have other children. This is the most hurtful thing that can be said. She just lost a child, and hearing a friend or family member say that her baby is so easily replaceable is very hurtful.
Do not remind her that a miscarriage means "something was wrong with the baby." She does not want to hear that the precious baby she was waiting for was somehow damaged.
Do not refer to the child she just lost as "it." This was her son or daughter.
If the miscarriage is not new and you wonder why she hasn't tried to conceive again, keep it to yourself. She may be trying and very sad that she hasn't been able to become pregnant again.
Do not think that if you have children of your own, it will be some kind of magical cure-all for her to hold them or baby-sit for you. Children may generally make people feel happy, but not someone who just suffered the loss of her own.
Do not say things like "I know what you're going through" if you have never lost a child and thus have no possible way to know what she is going through.
And for a "do" among all these "don't" suggestions, do offer to help her find a support group of people who have suffered a similar loss if she agrees to it. This is often beneficial in getting through the first few weeks or months, to spend time with people who truly do know what she's going through.