One of the hardest problems Russian-American marriages face is the woman’s adjustment to the American life. It usually takes a couple of years, and the process is hard, for both the husband and the wife. Let us see what some of the difficulties are.
Most of the Russian women marrying American men have no idea of what to expect – or expect the wrong thing, due to various misconceptions – and, as a result, experience what is called "culture shock" that can last from one to several years and is usually described by their husbands as the most trying time. The woman will need to get over her misconceptions, face the reality, and learn to live with it. She will have a totally different lifestyle to understand and adjust to.
You might ask, but isn’t this lifestyle so much better than what she had in Russia? Wouldn’t she be happy to accept it? You’d think so, but that is usually not the case. The appreciation of the many benefits of the American life comes with time (if it does at all), but not right away. Do not think that if you marry a Russian woman she will instantly love it here in the US and will be eternally grateful to you for bringing her over. Nothing can be farther from truth. You have no idea how many Russian wives live here, having everything a good American husband can offer, and yet spend their days cursing everything about America. Some never grow out of this attitude, and view themselves as some sort of self-sacrificing martyrs, living here in this terrible place only because they love their husband, or because it is better for the kids. What exactly do they find so terrible about America? Let’s see, where do I start…
Language Barrier
If you ever decide to look for a Russian wife, do yourself a favor and pick one who can speak at least some English and is willing to work on it. It never ceases to amaze me how easily men disregard this issue and get involved with non-English speaking women. What are they thinking about? Yes, there are interpreters and translators, but they should be a temporary solution, someone who only helps you out while your lady is improving her English skills. You don’t want to bring an interpreter here as well, and have them at your house for the rest of your life, do you?
Even women who speak English well enough to communicate on their own often find out when they get here that they had overestimated their skills. They will still have to spend some time “tuning in” to the American English, picking new words and expressions, expanding their vocabulary. The ability to understand usually improves faster than the ability to speak, and the person might have much anxiety over being unable to fully express themselves. "I have so much to say," one Russian woman shared, "and I just cannot say it! It makes me feel like an idiot."
Having your wife attend ESL (English as a Second Language) classes might help, but watch out for the other Russians she might meet over there. Hooking up with other Russians who live in your area is not always good. Instead of adjusting and learning to think of this country as her own, the woman might choose the easier route of clinging to what is familiar to her and limiting her circle of fellowship to only Russian-speaking people. This often leads to her adopting the attitude of, "it is us Russians versus them Americans," and of course them Americans includes you, her husband. From there, it is only one step back to "Why should I follow their stupid American ways?" Did you notice I said one step back? Yes, many Russian women arrive with this attitude to begin with.
Everyday Life
Driving. In America, people drive. In Russia, some people drive but the majority uses public transportation and walks. Many Russians, especially women, have no need for a car and don’t even know how to drive. There is always a grocery store, bank, and post office within a walking distance from their home, and most Russian women will expect the same in America. She will be shocked to find out that "you have to get into that darn car even to go buy one darn loaf of bread!" She will find it extremely inconvenient and annoying. If she does not drive, she is going to feel trapped in the house, and learning to drive at an older age is always more difficult.
Rural life. Most Russians think that America is made of skyscrapers, that’s the idea they get from American movies and news reports, so finding herself in what she will refer to as "village" is another shocker for the newly arrived Russian woman. You might think it is not so important; trust me, it is. She won’t quit asking that you move to live "in the city" at least for the next two years. Hopefully, by then she will acquire the taste for the country life. If she doesn’t, complaining won’t stop. Russian women are known for persistence, they will not give up as long as they see any chance of getting their way.
Relating to others. It is very likely that a newly arrived Russian woman will not understand Americans. I’m not talking about the language barrier here, I am talking about general culture. It is also quite common for Russians to look down at Americans, because they think Americans have gotten it all easy and don’t know what real life is like. I could give you a long list of what Russians find wrong with Americans; if you are getting a Russian wife, I don’t need to: you will hear it all from her. On your part, you will probably wonder why she is not quick to smile, why she rarely uses words like thank you and please and almost never I’m sorry. You will be also annoyed with direct orders like "Bring my coat," which she thinks are requests, because in Russia people don’t say please all the time. Trying to point out that her behavior could be adjusted is in most cases useless, it will only result in an argument. She will get defensive and try to prove that there is nothing wrong with her, it is this weird country that is messed up. Wiser women eventually see it for themselves and change; stubborn ones don’t.
Finances. The western system of banking, credit, and loans is now developing in Russia as well, but for the most part, it is still unknown. Russia is a cash-operating society, and the transition from that to the American way of doing things will take time. More than likely, your Russian wife will know nothing about buying things on credit, she will think that your house and everything you own is already paid for. She will not know how to use a credit card or a checkbook. I have known women who have picked it all up very quickly, and I have known some who still cannot be trusted with a credit card even after several years of living here.
Disclaimer
Everything I have said in this article is, of course, a generalization, and there are always exceptions to the rules. Some Russian women are very "westernized," they have traveled a lot, maybe even lived in the States, so they know and accept the culture and will not have the above mentioned issues. If you’ve got a wife like that, you are probably reading this article and shaking your head in disbelief. You are lucky. Women like yours do exist, but they are a minority. Most Russian-American couples do have to deal with culture shock and adjustment.
External Links:
Life in America Ebook - a guide for Russian women considering marriage to an American man