Making friends isn’t hard, but sometimes keeping them is a different story. It’s easy to assume that once you’ve achieved friendship status, you’re solid: you can let a few things slide without jeopardizing your tight twosome. But like any significant relationship (or similarly, houseplants), these require time, effort, and attention. As with anything you undertake, you’ll get out what you put in. We all know plenty of do’s – listening to rants and raves, drying tears, and offering comfort in the form of cookies, for example – but we aren’t always aware of the don’ts. These are things that we may not even realize we’re doing; little but powerful things that can cause lasting damage to a relationship. So what are these subtle, yet potentially fatal friendship flaws?

Unreliability

This friendship faux pas can range from mildly irritating to downright infuriating: showing up extremely late when you’re meeting somewhere, forgetting to call when you swore you would, flaking out on an important event. You don’t have to, say, miss her wedding to be considered unreliable – even a few small slipups will stack up against you. When you’re being unreliable, you’re being selfish, and making your friend feel as though she isn’t a priority on your list. If you think you have a truly legitimate reason for not being able to keep plans, don’t make them in the first place. Dependability is one of the most important aspects of a friendly relationship. We’ve all heard the old adage, “If you can’t count on your friends, who can you count on?” This is a tried-and-true phrase for good reason.

Rivalry

She gets a new promotion, and instead of being genuinely happy and celebrating with her, the green-eyed monster has you seething inside. She diets hardcore to lose fifteen pounds and you send her a congratulatory economy-sized box of her favorite chocolates. Perhaps she has an enviable life, and you’re jealous, which is perfectly natural to some degree. “I wish I had that,” is acceptable ... “I wish she didn’t have that,” isn’t. There can be a fine line between being inspired by your friend’s successes and being resentful of them. Along the same lines, if it’s your success, you’re certainly allowed to share your excitement with your friend; she’ll be happy for you. But don’t gloat! Too much bragging and self-promotion is a surefire way to lose her enthusiasm, and fast. Don’t let your important life events overshadow hers.

Whining

It’s a given that friends will call each other to gripe the instant that something goes wrong. That’s why we’re friends; we offer a sympathetic shoulder and a listening ear when things go awry. However, take mental stock of your last few conversations with your friend. Have they consisted of you railing against your significant other (or lack thereof), your boss, your weight, your wardrobe, your mother, and the incredible unfairness of parking tickets since you were only parked for five minutes? When was the last time you called your friend just to chat about how she’s getting along? You may not even realize that you’re monopolizing the conversations. Your friend may give such wonderful advice that you seek it out for every little thing, inadvertently getting so caught up in your own issues that you forget to ask about hers. Even the most tolerant and uncomplaining friend is guaranteed to start avoiding your calls if all you do is use her as your own personal sounding board.

Not reciprocating favors

She loans you her prized Kate Spade handbag and matching shoes for your hot date, but when she asks to borrow your cashmere sweater, it’s suddenly “at the dry cleaners’.” She stays at work on her lunch hour just so you can use her car, and you return it with the tank half-empty. There’s not much to say about this “don’t” except … don’t. It’s incredibly tacky to accept another person’s generosities without offering some reciprocation, and you can bet that if this is the way your friendship routinely goes, she’s not going to be generous for much longer.

Betrayal

There isn’t a much faster – or more brutal – way to end a friendship. If she confides in you, it should go no further than the two of you: period. You’re no real friend if she can’t rely on you to keep her deepest, darkest secrets; her heartfelt confessions and embarrassing moments should never become fuel for the fire of local gossip, especially not if they’re spread around by someone she’s supposed to be able to trust. If you feel the urge to spill the beans, ask yourself why you think it’s necessary and what good will come of it. You won’t be able to think of any good reason, trust me – and it just might help to keep those salacious gossiping urges in check.

Keeping a tab

Money interchanged between friends is a tricky thing. As a general rule, you shouldn’t loan your friends substantial amounts of money – or, on the flipside, accept large loans from friends. You never know what can happen between the two of you, or your respective financial situations, and you could potentially find yourselves in a mess. Small loans, however, are more negotiable. If you lend her twenty bucks, expect her to pay it back, although it’s not necessary to send out bi-monthly typed invoices to get the point across; a gentle reminder once in a while is fine. But keeping a running tab for every single thing you’ve paid for – the time you picked up the bill at lunch, the two dollars’ sales tax you gave her when she ran short – can get annoying. Friends just pay for each other’s things sometimes. It’s what friends do. Chances are that she does the same thing once in a while. If she doesn’t, and you feel like you’re always footing the bill for both of you, stop – it’s that simple.

Blow-offs

Over the years our life circumstances are bound to change. We’ll make new friends and enter new intimate relationships. These can be some of the biggest challenges to friendships; it’s oh-so-easy to alienate one relationship in favor of another, newer prospect, especially a romantic one. But blowing off one friend to hang out with another is a huge no-no. Even if you come up with a justifiable-sounding excuse the first few times, there are only so many excuses your friend will believe before she starts to get ticked. If it’s a new friend you’ve made, try introducing her to your other friends and including her in your activities rather than ditching your older comrades and hanging out one-on-one all the time. If it’s a new boyfriend, it’s a little harder – we all know the feeling of wanting to spend every spare minute with the crush du jour – but if you want to keep your friend, you may just have to make yourself pencil in some quality girl time. After all, he has friends he needs to hang out with too. And later, when you’ve settled into a long term relationship with this guy and can’t stand another moment of watching him scratch himself while he channel surfs, you’ll be glad you still have your friend to get you out of the house.

Taking your friend for granted

She’s been there through the rockiest ups and downs of your life, ready to help in any way she can. She is always there when you need her. Yet the only time you ever send her a card is on her birthday (and then it’s to make fun of the fact that she’s always going to be eight months older than you), and the last time she received a gift “just because” was the time that weird guy from the bar kept sending her flowers for no reason. Wouldn’t she just flip out if you picked up that shirt she was eyeballing at the mall, but would never buy for herself? Although really nice, it isn’t necessary to spend a lot of money in order to show a friend that you appreciate her presence in your life. Do something sentimental, like compiling photos and memories of the two of you into a scrapbook. Or simply tell her out of the blue, “I’m so lucky to have a friend like you.” Or serenade her with the theme song to “The Golden Girls” … thank you for being a friend, traveled down the road and back again.

Laziness

Is your friend the one that’s always doing the pursuing? Check your cell phone: does her number appear more times as an incoming call than an outgoing one? Is she the one to set up lunch dates, to call and ask if you want to go out, and to invite you over? If so, you’re being a lazy friend. Nobody likes to put all their energy into maintaining a friendship when the other half is lackadaisical at best. There should be equal parts of effort: don’t let her take care of everything. You call. You arrange an outing. It’ll make her – and you friendship – feel more valued.

Letting change get in the way

It’s so much easier to be friends when your lives are on similar tracks. But what happens when suddenly one of you is married, while the other is still a swinging single? Or when pregnancy and motherhood curtails your usual child-unfriendly activities? It’s times like these when you have to get creative, and while it may take a little more effort to coordinate schedules and such, it’s more important than ever to avoid growing apart. It would be such a waste to let normal, inevitable life changes tear apart a friendship that, so far, has withstood the test of time. Appreciate each other’s differences and learn from each other. And who knows – seeing her lifestyle from a different perspective, and her seeing yours, could lead to some valuable insights you can share with each other in the form of friendly advice. Sadly, sometimes you will outgrow a friendship, especially if your friend isn’t willing to deal with parts of your new lifestyle (your kids, for example). But try everything you can to salvage your relationship, even in the midst of major changes; it’s usually worth it.

You can keep acquaintances with minimal effort, but true and genuine friendship requires much more. It’s the difference between enjoying a casual drink with someone, and getting out of your warm bed to go pick her up at two o’clock in the morning when she’s too impaired to drive. And in order to keep a friendship strong, you have to take a look at what kind of friend you are, and the things you may (unwittingly) be doing to sabotage the state of affairs. Being an involved, attentive, and selfless friend takes work, but it’s an investment that will keep you warm during the coldest times in your life – and it’s during those times that you will be ridiculously glad you made that investment in the first place.

External Links:

• The Friendship Page - The largest friendship site on the Web.