Space (Does Everyone Have Enough?)

If you are among the families that own a two story house with a bedroom on the lower floor, consider yourself lucky. If your house also has a bathroom adjacent or at least close to that downstairs bedroom, consider yourself very fortunate. The older parents can stay on the first floor where they have access to their own bathroom and the kitchen. If you don’t happen to have such a house, then you’re going to have to improvise.

The first thing you need to remember is that the older the people get, the more the noise will bother them. Ironically, even if they are going deaf, noise still seems to bother them until they go completely deaf. On the flip side of the coin, since they are often losing their hearing, they will need to turn the TV or the radio almost to full capacity so that they can hear it. Unlike your children, many older folks will be reluctant to wear headphones.

Also remember when planning their space, older people don’t often have the same routine as you or your children have. Usually, they sleep on and off during the day and night, rarely for 8 hours in a row. Many times, even if they are on bladder medication, they will frequently need to get up during the night to go to the bathroom. If you have a newborn or are expecting one, you also need to consider the baby’s nightly schedule. If you are like most of us, you will be up often with the baby for feedings, diaper changes, or illnesses.

Now, not all children or older people have the same challenges, but when you are making your plan, you need to think about all these things. Many times when a parent first moves in, they are much more independent than they are even five years later. It is much better to plan for problems than to encounter them after you have everyone in a room and all the furniture moved. Ideally, you want to try to put as much space between the children and the older parents as possible. If you have to have them side by side, then consider simple things that may help.

For example, put your parent’s TV or radio on the opposite wall from your children’s room. Save those noisy bell and whistle toys for the playroom or outdoors. Talk to your children about the difference between outdoor and indoor voices. You may even get your parents to promise they will not turn on the TV in their room after a certain time, so it will not wake up your kids, or perhaps they will consent to wear cordless headphones after a certain hour.

Safety ( Is Everyone Safe?)

As parents, your first concern is usually the safety of your children. When an older person comes to live with you, you have to shift your way of thinking for everyone’s benefit. (If your parents are hurt, you will have to look after them. Looking after a bedridden older person and a baby is tough!)

After your parents move in, the biggest concern you are going to have with your young children is access to medication; the biggest concern you are going to have for your older parents is what surprises are left on the floor.

Older people often have arthritis. Opening medicine is painful if it is a childproof cap. ( I never will forget the day my mother asked my four year old to open the childproof cap on the medicine bottle for her, and she did!) Consequently, they will need an easy way to access their medicince. You have got to find a safe place for the medicine; one that your parent can open and your child can’t. A locked medicine cabinet may be the best choice.

If your seniors are lucky enough to have their own bathroom, keep the bathroom locked and don’t let the children use it. Not only does keeping the door locked solve the medicine problem, but it also solves the problem of slick floors and germs. Kids will bring home every germ imaginable, especially if they are going to daycare. The last thing you want is to expose your parents to new germs.

If your parent has trouble remembering, you may want to take control of the medicine and dole it out, keeping it locked up at all other times. As for toys and slick stuff the kids may spill on the floor, this can be a real problem, especially if stuff is left on the floor during the middle of the night. The best thing to do is have a pick up before you go to bed and check the floor, especially in the kitchen area. If you have older children, you may make this one of their chores, but you should still have to check behind them. Remember, in some cases, all it takes is a small fall to send a senior to the hospital.

Food (Does everyone have something to eat?)

Trying to fix food for everyone in the house can be a nightmare, especially if you have picky eaters; I’m not just talking about the kids either. Your children have very strong taste buds; your parents, depending on their age, may have lost much of their taste. (The longer you live, the more taste buds die.)

The easiest thing for you is to stick to basics and then rely on condiments and extras to make everyone happy. For example, older people put pepper on their food; most children don’t like pepper. Don’t put any pepper and let everyone pepper their own food.

Another example, older people like onions; most children do not. Sautee onions and have them on the table so they can be mixed into food. Rely on basic foods: baked chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, etc. Have extras on the table like salsa to spice it up for anyone who wants a little extra flavor.

Save the fancy dishes for you and your spouse. Otherwise, you may spend all day cooking and no one will eat your food. Older people often have trouble with digestion and can’t eat rich foods. Young children usually don’t like rich foods.

Also, remember, older people may have trouble chewing and young children definitely have trouble chewing. Select tender cuts of meat or pre-cut the meat for everyone.

Finally, if possible, give your parents a cabinet all to themselves and a place in your freezer where they can store special foods they like. No one is allowed in their cabinet without their permission. Also, you may want to buy a little refrigerator for their room, so they can store drinks or snacks without having to come in and out of the kitchen all day.

Temperature (Is everyone comfortable?)

In general, the older people get, the colder they get. In general, the closer women get to 50, the hotter they get, which can create a huge problem. Pregnant women are also hot all the time.If you don’t want to spend your days fighting and fixing broken thermostats, agree to a few basic rules. The older people in the house need to agree to wear long sleeves or sweaters; you need to agree not to turn the thermostat below 75 degrees.

The place at the table farthest away from the vent should belong to the older folks and the cold natured children. The thermostat should be adjusted so that it is not blowing cold air directly on older parents when they are socializing with the family. (They need socialization and this often makes them feel unwelcome and they retreat to their room.)

Socialization and Entertainment (Everybody needs some)

When you are selecting social activities for the family, don’t leave grandma and grandpa out. Many seniors suffer from depression. Being left out and alone makes it worse. When you are tempted to forget them, remember you will be in the same situation one day. You are teaching your children how to treat you by the way your treat your parents.

Try to select movies that the entire family can watch together. They all don’t have to be kids’ movies all the time. Try an “old movie night” or rent some Hallmark movies.

Instead of taking a kid with you every time you go to the store, get your spouse to watch the parents and take your parents on errands. They gave birth to you; they probably would like a little “one on one” time with you. In the mornings before the kids are up, go in your parents’ room and have a cup of coffee with them. Talk about things that interest them, like the past or relatives.

One of the biggest problems you may encounter is providing entertainment for your children. Most children like to have other children over, and they love spend the night parties. Sometimes noise like this can just be too much for a senior. If your child is going to have spend-the-night-parties, you may want to set up some rules ahead of time:

1. Play outside as much as possible.
2. Use inside voices.
3. Walk instead of running in the house.
4. Clean up any spills immediately.
5. Avoid “rough housing.”

Multigenerational living can be very rewarding, but it is not always easy. The way to have it work is to have a plan before your parents move in and to remind everyone that the key word is “respect” when being part of this family.