Over 80 million adult children who have left home have returned to live with their parents. They call them “boomerang kids.” Many return due to post college expenses and loans. Newly divorced adult children are facing economic hardships and returning home for financial reasons. Sometimes alcohol or drug problems drive our children home. There, of course, those adult children who return home to be taken care of. It’s easier to take the couch versus a job.

If your child is returning home there are some specific things you can do to make the adjustment easier and less stressful for everyone.

What Parents Think

Parents have different views about their adult children returning home. Many think they would only delay the adult child’s maturation and motivation for getting ahead. There is truth to their reasoning. Depending on the child and their reasons for coming home, some parents know they have no alternative but to say no. Many parents believe they have done their part as a parent, raised their children, put them through college so they can earn a decent living, and now it’s time they were on their own. They believe they owe the child nothing, and have done their part.

Many parents of adult children who are returning home want to help out. If they are coming home because of financial reasons, the parents hope that they will make a difference and help their child get a better start.

Some empty nesters don’t look forward to giving up the peace and comfort of living alone. Many do, however, to help their children. Some parents like their kids to live at home. They say it helps decrease the financial load and household responsibilities. Whether it’s a positive thing or not, there are things that should be discussed prior to your adult child moving back home. Good relationships are the result of good, clear communication. Expectations should be no surprise

Length of Stay

One of the first things that should be established is how long your adult child plans to stay. Will it be six months, a year, two years? By not establishing a clear time line many parents find themselves wondering if their children will ever move. The amount of time a child needs to live at home will vary, depending on your child’s goals and the reason for moving back home. A solid understanding of the length of time they will stay will help keep them motivated and working on their ultimate independence.

Money

Parents need to establish upfront if the adult child will be expected to pay rent. There is nothing wrong with charging rent. If the child returned for financial reasons and you are trying to help them out, maybe not charging rent will hasten their departure. That’s understandable and as long as it doesn’t jeopardize your financial wellbeing, it shouldn’t be a problem.

What about utilities? Who will pay for food? Buying food for even one extra person can get expensive. If there are grandchildren involved, or more than one adult, the expense can be a financial stress. Communicate your expectations about who buys food, if utilities will be shared, and any other monetary concerns you may have.

House Rules

Discuss your thoughts and desires about guests, parties, smoking, loud stereos and any other expectations you have prior to the move in date. This saves on frustration and misunderstandings after your child moves home. If they don’t like the rules you set up beforehand, they certainly aren’t going to like them any better after moving in, and maybe other arrangements should be made. Remember, it is your house and your rules. Having the respect of abiding by them is what a responsible adult child should do.

Household Responsibilities

Communicate your thoughts about household chores. Who will do the dishes? What about messes? If there are children involved, it should be made very clear that you welcome them, but you are still just the grandparent. Many adult children revert back to when mom took care of them. They should be reminded that you are not there to do the cooking (shared at the very least), cleaning up after them, laundry and any other chore that comes with kids. They are adults and should take care of their needs and surroundings appropriately. Although your life will be different in many ways, you should not be saddled with extra household chores or domestic duties. Frustration and resentment will be the result. Make yourself very clear in the beginning.

Pets

Everyone loves their pet, but if sonny brings the black lab home unannounced, there are going to be some very hard feelings on both sides. In addition to pet hair, barking or scratched furniture, a pet brings with it its own set of financial responsibilities. Who will pay for the pet’s food? There will undoubtedly be veterinarian bills. Who will be responsible to clean up after the pet? Walk the pet? All these issues should be resolved before the move in date.

Child Care

Nothing can take the joy out of being a grandparent more than having to be a built in babysitter. Communicate your independence and desire to come and go as you please if that’s what you want. Obviously there is nothing wrong with babysitting your grandchildren. When it becomes a prison sentence though, those beautiful kids don’t look quite as charming as they did a few months ago.

Sacrifices

No one understands what your sacrifices mean more than you. Allowing your grown, adult child to move home is a loving and giving gesture on your part. Too many parents feel it is their responsibility to take care of the adult child because things are not going well. When this happens, it turns a situation of helping the child out to one of enabling. It should remain very evident that your adult child is working toward something. If no progress toward independence is seen a reevaluation of the situation, and some very clear communication should get them back on track.