If you are like me, your pets are your family members. It is not "just a cat" or "just a dog," it is a friend you love who loves you back, unconditionally. When they die, the loss can be very painful. What is the best way to cope? How do you tell the children? How soon should you get a new pet?
Our pets’ lives are shorter than ours. The moment we get a new kitten or puppy, we are setting ourselves up for the sad day when we will have to say goodbye. Most people don’t think about it, some do, and some even refuse to have any pets for that reason. “You get attached to that dog or cat,” they say, “you live with them all those years, and then they die… And what are you supposed to do?” Those people don’t want to go through the loss, so they rob themselves of the joy of having a pet altogether. I think they are missing out, big time, but in a way, I can understand them: losing your little friend is very hard.
I remember talking to a co-worker who had to euthanize the family dog, a companion of over ten years, if I am not mistaken. The lady could barely go through the office routine, she was overpowered by grief; all she could think of was the dog’s death. She had come to me and shared about what happened, knowing that I was an animal lover myself and I would understand. “Please, don’t tell anyone else,” she had asked. “Some people just don’t get it, and I don’t need them to be making fun.”
She was right: some people “don’t get it,” they can’t understand the bond between a human and a dog or a cat, and therefore tend to look down on those who are devastated “just because of a pet.” I have heard all kinds of cruel things. “They don’t have a life, that’s why they are so crazy about that cat.” “They weep over that dog as if it were human.” “They don’t know what real suffering is, that’s why their cat’s death is the end of the world to them.” It is comments like this that make the pet owner, already hurting enough, feel guilty, silly, or immature, and hide their pain.
It’s okay to grieve
The first thing you need to understand is that it is okay to grieve. You have lost someone you loved, and your sadness and pain are natural. Do not let those who can’t understand it shame you into feeling bad about it. They don’t know how special your pet was to you; only you do. You are not immature or overly sentimental, and you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. What exactly are they accusing you of? Only of having a bigger heart than theirs.
You will probably go through the same stages of grief people go through when they lose a loved one: denial, anger, depression, and maybe some guilt. “If only I did this or that, he might be still alive…” Do not focus on that. More than likely, you have done all you could for your friend.
Another thing I would advise is that you should not grieve alone. Talk to other pet owners, they will understand you better than anyone else. If you don’t feel like talking to anyone in person, Internet is a great solution: there are many pet-related discussion forums you can go to, including some specifically dedicated to pet loss support. Go there and share your story, tell about all those wonderful special moments your friend had brought to your life. Post a picture of him or her for others to see, if you’d like. You will probably cry as you share it all, and then when you read other pet owners’ replies to your post. Crying is good. Letting the pain out is better than locking it up inside.
Telling the kids
When a family pet dies, breaking the news to the kids is very hard. You have probably seen The 6th Day movie and remember the argument Arnold Schwarzenegger's character has with his wife about telling or not telling their daughter that their dog had to be euthanized. The husband says that death is a part of life, and their daughter will have to learn about it sooner or later. The wife wants to spare the girl's feelings and wants the dog cloned. Eventually, she wins the argument.
I am with the husband on this one. I believe honesty is the best policy. You might be tempted to “soften the blow,” so to speak, and tell the child that the kitty “went away,” or something like that. This usually creates expectations of the pet’s return, and more pain later when the child discovers that they had been lied to. Also, it can produce feelings of guilt. The child might think that the pet had left because of them – because they did something wrong.
Younger children do not have understanding of death, when they encounter it they tend to perceive it like some form of sleep. That’s why saying that the pet was “put to sleep” naturally gives them the impression that it is something temporary. I have known parents who would deliberately use the term to avoid explanation of a permanent loss, and then go through long months of beating about the bush when the child kept asking them “where exactly the kitty is sleeping” and “when will it wake up and come home.” You will have to tell the truth sooner or later. My advice is not to prolong the child’s anxiety.
If you believe animals have souls and go to heaven when they die (I do), you can tell that to your children, but make sure they understand that their little friend did not choose to leave them. Also, make sure they do not think that the pet was taken from them because they were bad.
Getting a new pet
Should you get a new pet? And how soon? Only you can answer these questions. Some people cope with the loss better by adopting another pet right away, others need time. Some feel that by getting a new pet they are “betraying” the old one, and therefore refuse to do so.
I don’t think that getting a new pet shows disloyalty to the old one, or that you have easily forgotten and replaced them. Your memories will always stay with you. You did not stop loving your pet the moment they died, and who says you cannot love more than one?
Children can be very sensitive to it as well, they might resent the new pet for trying to take the place of the old one. “I don’t want this new dog, I want my Tommy!” is a common reaction. That is why it is very important to make the decision about taking a new pet together, and explain to the child that you are not “replacing” Tommy. You still love and remember Tommy, and you are getting a new friend to love. Tommy would not feel bad because of it.
It is usually not recommended to get an exact look-alike of your old pet and especially to give them the same name. Do not try to deceive yourself into believing that you have your old companion back, you know it is not possible. This new pet is different, it will behave differently and never live up to your expectations of being just like the old one. Accept your new friend as they are, and love them for it.
I have had many pets, and it does not get any easier when the time comes to part with them. But I think the joy they bring into my life is far greater.