Last year I spent 7 months as the lowest form of childcare specialist: an au pair. In exchange for a meager 500 euros a month, I lived in a very small bedroom of a very small French house and worked 10-14 hour days, 4 days a week (au pairs can legally only work 5 hour days, 5 days a week). While I was also provided with a weekly language course, and a chance to go on a Mediterranean “vacation” (I worked 36 hours a week), none of these things could have compensated for the crap I put up with. No, I’m not talking about the children. Children have an excuse for the way they behave, and we love them anyway.

Parents, however, are a completely different story. It’s the little things that count in the close relationship you have with your childcare giver, so pay attention! One constant slip-up could be making your wonderful nanny lose her mind, and leave for greener pastures.

Here are a few major pet-peeves of nannies and au pair’s everywhere. If you have in-home childcare, you are likely guilty of some of these, and you need to address them. Don’t risk losing the best nanny you ever had!

Be Punctual!

Your nanny is not the only person who needs to be on time for work. When you ask your nanny to work from 9am to 5pm, you walk in the door at 5:00pm. Not 5:15pm, 5:20pm, or 10:00pm(!). Make a schedule and try valiantly to stick to it. If your nanny or au pair lives in the house, the temptation to be late is very great. I don’t think my employers were ever once on time. They were often one to two hours later than expected. As a result, I met few people in France and had a very slow social life. By the time the parents were home to take over the kids, the last train of the night was long gone from my town.

Your nanny has a life outside your children. She wants to go home to her own family, she wants to go out to dinner with her friends. She has planned her life around the fact that you are supposed to get home at 5:00pm every night. We nannies understand that traffic happens, so being a little late every once in a while will not be a disaster. Just call! Don’t call at 5:00pm to say you will be late, either. At least a half hour before you are due home. If you are constantly late, compensate by paying her overtime. Your nanny’s time is valuable, and forgetting that can ruin the relationship and lose you the key which makes your life possible.

Even if the kids are sleeping, your nanny is still working.

My employers kept a log of how many hours I worked. The hour count would end at 8pm every night, whether the parents came home at 8:00pm or 11:00pm. I could never convince them that those hours the children slept were still working hours. I could not leave the house with the children asleep, and I couldn’t have people over to visit me. Also, as everyone with small children knows, they do not sleep through the night, and wake up several times before actually going to sleep.

If your nanny or au pair works at night, pay her! She may not charge the full hourly amount because it is a little less work, but this is her time you are using. Those couple hours after the kids are asleep, your nanny is doing other work related to her job. She is cleaning up dinner, picking up toys, and even ironing their clothes. She is still working. Don’t take her for granted!

Clean Up After Yourself

If the janitor quit in your office, and no one hired a new one, would you want to work there anymore? Trash cans overflowing, toilets unwashed, floor gritty? I didn’t think so. Two months into my au pair experience, the weekly maid was fired for not doing a very good job. I soon realized that a not-very-good-job cleaning was much better than no cleaning at all because the promised replacement maid was never hired. The house became disgusting, only being cleaned every 3 weeks or so. Who did the majority of the cleaning in the kitchen, bathroom, and children’s bedrooms? Why me, of course! I became a part-time free maid. I was never compensated for my new duties.

The nanny’s office is your house. Any parent or nanny will tell you that the kitchen is the hub of childcare, especially with younger children. Your nanny expects to clean up after your children; straighten their room, pick up toys, clean up mealtime messes and dishes. She does not expect to start her day with the crumbs from your dinner on the kitchen floor, the roasting pan from last night’s chicken sitting in the sink, and this morning’s coffee cups lined up next to, but not in, the dishwasher. If you don’t plan on cleaning up those little messes, ask her if she minds and pay her accordingly. The nanny is not a slave. She is not cleaning up your mess out of the goodness of her heart, she is doing it because it is in her way. If she finds she is washing the children’s floors because they are so disgusting she can’t let them go into their own rooms, you need to do something. Compensate her for the extra work, hire a maid, or do it yourself.

Please don’t give gifts unless it’s Christmas.

Finally, I address a topic that will almost never come up between your nanny and yourself. She may tell you not to come home late four nights in a row, she may ask you to scrub the tub she bathes your child in, but she will probably never ask you not to give her gifts. If you are an hour late all week, and feel bad for making her wait, resist the temptation to buy her a gift certificate for a massage. Massages are nice, but most nannies would prefer that you pay them overtime. Resist the urge to make up for the fact that you are a slob by buying her a cashmere sweater. The nanny probably has different taste than you, and could have put that $200 to better use.

Don’t feel guilty for making your nanny do extra work. Pay her, thank her, and move on. If you still want to give the occasional gift, go ahead, but not instead of the compensation she deserves. Don’t overload on the gifts, either. Your nanny does not want to pretend that she “just loves” the third holiday appliqué sweater you picked up for her. Keep your relationship friendly, but professional. She is a professional, after all.

Most likely there may be other snags and bumps with your nanny, just as there are in any relationship. Your nanny is with your children for a good part of the week. If she is happy, your children will benefit all the more. Be good to her, she’ll go that extra mile. Just remember that childcare is not an exact science, and there will always be issues. Talk to your nanny, work them out amicably, and never forget the importance of compromise. In the end, it is the welfare of your children that counts the most.