We all have heard horror stories about mother in laws who meddle in the lives of their children. When two people get married they are typically “crazy in love” and so caught up in the moment that they don’t think about the extended family. Relationships get complicated enough without the added burden of other family members and their opinions. Hollywood has cashed in on all of these relationship conflicts involving in-laws and meshing together two different people from totally opposite backgrounds.

For instance there is “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” which effectively portrays the trials and conflicts that can arise between two people coming from totally different backgrounds. Then you have “The In-Laws” which puts a comical spin on the stresses of marriage life and dealing with meddling parents. When two people come from different backgrounds there is sure to be an adjustment period, but how do you handle adjusting to your spouse’s family.

Coming from different backgrounds and having different philosophies can definitely add stress and complications to your marriage relationship. If you tack on having to deal with the opinions of other family members especially the in-laws then you have got a whole new set of obstacles.

Many people tend to have misconceptions about in-laws and relationships. There are many myths that are believed to be true when it comes to marriage and dealing with the in-laws. Some common myths about marriage and “the in-laws” are:

• Myth: My relationship with my in-laws will not change after we are married.

• Reality: This could not be further from the truth; family members tend to act different toward a girlfriend/boyfriend than they do toward a spouse. Once you are part of the family you are fair game. When you are an outsider they are typically on their “best behavior,” but as soon as you are initiated into the family they can their guard down and the whole attitude changes.

• Myth: Even though I am not fond of my in-laws now, my feelings will change once we are married.

• Reality: Hello, I don’t think so! If you don’t like the parents when you are dating, then it certainly is not going to change with marriage. The only thing you can do is try to change your attitude. You will have to make an effort to develop a relationship with your in-laws and it might be more difficult once you are forced to spend more time with them. Making a serious attempt to look at the positives will help tremendously.

• Myth: After the wedding, we will be free of all of our parent’s control.

• Reality: Although we may think marriage is supposed to be when we “leave the nest” or “cut the apron strings” this is not always the case. Sometimes it is extremely hard for parents to let go. You can expect advice from both sets of parents whether you want it or not, especially in the first few years of marriage. Such advice may cause unwanted conflicts with your relationship, so set boundaries early and try to make decisions as couple without added influence.

Now that we have had a “reality check” about in-law relationship misconceptions, lets discuss ways we can build a healthy relationship with our partner’s family.

Tips for Improving Your Relationship With the In-Laws:

• Be Proactive. If you are sincerely trying to build a relationship and being positive toward your spouse’s family it will be easier for them to see your efforts and follow your lead in building a successful relationship.

• Don’t Compete With Other Family Members. This is easier said than done. Try not to be competitive with other family members. If you don’t feel you are as good of a cook as your sister-in-law then focus on something else. Constantly trying to be better than someone else can take its toll on your self-esteem and consume your thoughts and actions. Pick out the positives in yourself and your family and focus on making your life better. People have their own unique talents and we can’t be perfect at everything.

• Accept Reality. You probably will disagree with your in-laws more often than agree, but it is how you handle the situation that will determine the relationship. Be realistic, if you feel you need to express your opinion then do it in a way that is not offensive to the other person. Putting a positive spin on the situation can help eliminate future conflicts and relieve unwanted tension.

• Be Considerate. Ask yourself “how would I want the other person to act in this situation.” Just because you don’t agree on certain issues doesn’t mean you can’t listen to someone else’s opinion. Consider the feelings of other family members and try to accommodate them in a reasonable way.

• Practice Restraint. Control your emotions whenever possible. Don’t raise your voice or yell in “heated” situations or conversations. Try to calm down before responding to criticism or comments you don’t agree with. “Think before you act or speak,” is probably the best advice that anyone can give.

• Smile. Don’t let anyone know what is going on with your marriage or your family if you don’t want opinions and advice. Attending family gatherings and just socializing without discussing your marriage or family issues can help steer people away from offering unsolicited advice.

Finally, if your marriage is suffering because of family conflict then you should step back and take a look at the situation. Sometimes you just have to “agree to disagree” in certain instances. Both people need to tell their parents and their family to “back off” if it is causing tension in your personal relationship. Whatever the conflict is, you should be able to resolve it as a couple without outside interference.

If your parents or your in-laws are causing stress in your marriage then it is time to politely tell them that you appreciate their input but you and your spouse make the final decision. Explain to them that you love them, but you are not always going to agree with them. Couples have enough to deal with in their relationship without worrying about more problems and conflicting opinions from outsiders. Keeping parents and family members at bay can help reduce stressful circumstances and assist with “keeping the peace” in your marriage.