I remember the first time I held my oldest daughter in my arms. She was tiny and fragile, so utterly helpless. When she looked up at me with those big blue eyes, squinting and struggling to focus on my face, it was truly love at first sight. She wrapped her tiny hand around my finger, holding tight with determination, staking her claim. At that moment, I was her whole world. I vowed to protect her, to guide her, to nurture her, to love her. I’m sure most every parent has felt the same way. If we take those initial strong feelings and make them the basis of our parenting philosophy, that’s attachment parenting.

AP is Instinctive Parenting

Dr. William Sears coined the phrase “attachment parenting” (AP), but he didn’t invent the concept. AP is as old as time. Long before there were books and experts telling parents what to think, what to do, and how to parent, there was AP. AP is instinctive parenting. Just as an animal knows exactly what her offspring needs, so do human parents. The trick is learning to listen to ourselves again.

Definition of AP

Though there are many definitions of attachment parenting, and many things that some say an AP parent "should" do, AP can best be defined as parenting from the heart. When a parent pushes aside all the "experts" and the well-meaning advice of family and friends, and just listens to the needs of her own child-- that's attachment parenting.

The central idea of AP is bonding with your child, both emotionally and physically. When you know your child intimately, you understand his personality, his fears, his moods, his dreams. This knowledge helps you relate to your child and respond to his needs. There are many ways to nurture this bond, beginning in pregnancy and childbirth. However, it is never too late to become an AP parent, no matter the age of your children.

AP "Checklist"

Though there is no set checklist of things you must do to “qualify” as an AP parent, there are some things that definitely help form the parent-child bond. This is a brief overview of some components of attachment parenting.

Birth Bonding

Dr. William Sears explains that the moments immediately following delivery are critical for mother-baby bonding. He says, "Bonding is really a continuation of the relationship that began during pregnancy... Birth cements this bond and gives it reality." Baby has been growing inside of mom for nine months. Leaving that warm, secure environment can be traumatic. He needs to be held close and to hear a loving, familiar voice. Mothers, too, benefit from early bonding. Immediately following childbirth, mothers are feeling extremely nurturing toward their baby and they need to be free to express those maternal feelings. Sometimes, however, this early bonding is not possible. Don’t despair if medical circumstances keep you from bonding at birth. There are ways to make up for this lost time and we will discuss that in a later week.

Breastfeeding

Numerous studies have shown that breastmilk is best for baby. However, the act of breastfeeding is also beneficial. Babies thrive on skin-to-skin contact. It makes them feel safe and secure. When possible, breastfeeding should begin immediately after delivery. This is an important part of birth bonding. Breastfeeding helps mom, as well. Breastfeeding helps the uterus return quickly to its pre-pregnancy size, as well as other benefits that we will discuss in later weeks.

Responding to Baby

This is probably the most important aspect of AP. A newborn has very few communication skills—he cries to signal his every need. When we respond quickly to these cries, we teach him to trust. We teach him that he is safe, secure, and loved. We teach him that we are willing to listen to him and try to understand him. We teach him that he is worthy of being heard. On the other hand, some “experts” tell parents to ignore baby’s cries for food. They advise parents to get baby on a “feeding schedule.” This idea is contrary to AP.

Co-sleeping

Having baby sleep close by, whether in a side-car or in your bed, can be helpful in many ways. As mentioned before, babies thrive on skin-to-skin contact. It is also helpful to mom, especially during breastfeeding. Recent studies show that incidences of SIDS are lower in families who co-sleep. There are, of course, some well-publicized safety concerns about co-sleeping and we will discuss those in a later article.

Babywearing

Whether in a sling, a baby carrier, or in your arms, babies love being held. Studies show that babies who are held often have fewer incidences of colic and unexplainable crying. The near-constant contact also helps parents quickly learn to understand their baby’s needs.

Positive Discipline

Though this doesn’t come into play in infancy, it is such an important part of AP that it had to be mentioned. Practitioners of AP do not condone harsh punishments such as spanking. AP is not about punishment, but about guidance. When a child is attached to his parents, he generally wants to please them. In addition, AP parents strive to teach the child the difference between right and wrong instead of instilling a fear of punishment. Still, problems will occasionally arise and AP parents try to respond positively, using their knowledge of their child’s unique personality. We will discuss specific techniques in later weeks.

In Conclusion

This is not meant to be a list of requirements to join the AP “club.” There are no set minimum of things you “must” do to be considered attached. AP is not a checklist, but a way of life. The parent-child relationship is the very heart and soul of AP. No one knows our children as we do. No one knows their feelings or their needs. As we grow as parents we learn to trust our own instincts about what is right or wrong. The most important thing is to listen—to our instincts, to our hearts, and to our children. If we always do that, we will never go wrong. We will be extremely connected to our children—and completely attached.