All couples fight. Some fight much more than others, but all couples fight at least occasionally. And while fighting is very rarely enjoyable, it can be useful; people need a chance to express, and hopefully resolve, the problems that they are experiencing. Therefore, the goal should not be to avoid fights altogether, but simply to fight well. 

Pick Your Fights

Although fights can be healthy and productive, couples should not fight constantly, and continuous bickering is never ideal. You need to pick your fights. Nobody is perfect, and it is unfair to complain about every single imperfection that you see in your significant other. Additionally, if you complain about every little thing, you will never be taken seriously; when you have a major complaint, your whining will probably fall on deaf ears.

You should also learn to recognize when you are mad because your significant other did something wrong and when you are mad simply because you are in a bad mood. Fighting because you are stressed, tired, hungry, or cranky for any other reason will not accomplish anything. And, if you are already irritable, you will probably not be able to fight in a constructive manner – but more on that in a moment. 

Don’t Yell

Now that you know how to pick the right fight, the right place, and the right time, you need to know how to fight effectively. Do not yell. Do not scream. The two of you are, presumably, in the same room, so you do not have to worry about being heard. If you yell, your significant other will respond to the yelling, not to the actual words that you say.

Don’t Insult

Name calling will only make things worse, so don’t do it. Remember that you are supposed to care about this person a great deal, so surely you don’t think that he or she is a horrible person who deserves to be insulted. State the actual reason why you are mad, that is, the event or behavior that upset you. Also state why this behavior is upsetting, and how you would like things to change. Remember that you are a team, too; you should accept responsibility for your role in the problem.

Let’s put the above advice into a more concrete example. Couples often fight about money, a very important and stressful issue, so let’s use a fight over money as an example. A good way to approach this problem is to say something like: “I’m worried that you have been spending too much money; I’ve probably been spending too much, too. We need to be more frugal if we’re going to buy that home we want.” A bad way to approach the same topic would be: “You idiot! Do you think money grows on trees?”

Don’t Bring Up Irrelevant Problems

If you are fighting about one problem, do not bring up other unrelated problems. It is impossible to deal with lots of issues at once, so your best chance of resolving one problem is to focus on it. Also, when people bring up past issues, they are usually just trying to hurt their significant other by demonstrating that he or she always messes up. That simply isn’t helpful. And if a past issue had been resolved, it is unfair to bring it up again. Everyone makes mistakes; you have to learn to forgive and forget.

Don’t Make Threats

Threats do not solve anything. You are supposed to be working through a problem, not forcing the other person to do what you want out of fear. Specifically, do not threaten to end the relationship unless you seriously think that is the only solution. Such threats are hurtful and show that you do not care enough about the relationship to try to make it work.

Don’t Get Physical

Do not throw things, do not hit things, and never, ever hurt your significant other. Even if you are only damaging inanimate objects, this behavior is still threatening and signals that you are out of control. If you cannot keep your temper, then explain that you need to go for a walk and calm down and that you will continue the discussion later.

Get Help

If you and your significant other simply cannot fight well, consider getting outside help. Whether you buy a book on relationships or seek couple’s therapy, do something to sae your relationship before it is too late.