If your baby is in the NICU, you know what I mean when I say that it is an
extremely emotional time for your entire family. You are relying on nurses and
doctors, most of whom you have never met before, to care for your newborn - who
may or may not survive. And you’re not prepared! You aren’t even ready to give
birth yet, you haven't even taken the prenatal class yet, and suddenly, BOOM.
You’ve given birth and are now the parent of a very fragile child. You have
life-altering decisions to make for yourself and your child, and you are hardly
able to even focus your eyes because you cannot believe what they are seeing.
In your confusion and in the chaos, your eyes finally focus on your child. A
tiny, precious newborn - a sneak preview of what’s to come. You shouldn’t be
seeing your child in this state, and yet you are. You fear to touch her, afraid
you might damage her somehow, yet you know that just being there by her side is
somehow helping.
Grieving
There’s a mourning period. Even if your baby is surviving, you have lost the
joy of a so-called "normal" delivery and birth. You missed out on the
last weeks of your pregnancy, and you can never get that back. You wanted to
feel the kicking, to complain about the uncomfortableness, to prepare your
baby’s room, to ruminate over what the actual birth date might be. That’s all
gone, all over, and it’s hard to let go of it. It is made harder because it's
hard to put these feelings into words.
No Control
Even harder is that you have absolutely no control over the situation. You
are physically exhausted from giving birth, and you are emotionally exhausted
from the uncertainty of it all. You have no control over when you will get to
take your baby home. No control over how much and in what way your baby is able
to eat. No control over whether he can control his body temperature. No control
over lung problems or infections or jaundice or anything. You cannot
control the awful feeling that you are living in some sort of alternate reality
where nothing is quite right. You cannot reach into your baby’s isolette and
heal him with your touch, even though it may be your greatest desire.