Most parents would never dream of putting their child in such an awkward
position fighting for the chance to live with the other parent. It not only
causes unnecessary tension for everyone involved, but it can lead to bitter
fights and further pain that can be all together avoided.
If your child expresses an increased interest in living with the other
parent, and you see that it is not a passing phase, then there are steps you
can take with your child to decide if it is the best situation for them.
Yes, this can be a hard thing to do – divorces don’t just end on a good note
– there is always some lingering bitterness or remorse that one or both parties
feel for being put in such a situation regardless of the actual reasons behind
the divorce. And the custodial parent can often feel the burden of divorce
every day – they are left to care for the child, which can mean struggling and
juggling just to make ends meet. It is easy to feel unappreciated and
disrespected when your child speaks to you about moving in with the other
parent, but wouldn’t you rather be the role model they deserve than a child
yourself?
First things first – you must decide if your child’s decision to move in
with the other parent is valid while removing your own biases. It doesn’t
matter how you feel about the other parent; rather, all that really matters is
if the other parent is stable, mature and responsible enough to take care of
your child on a daily basis. To help in this decision, the custodial parent
must honestly answer the following questions:
Is my child mature enough to make this decision (a child of 4 or 5 years of
age is not mature enough to make such a decision, but a child of 11/12 years of
age or older is typically able to reason and make decisions based on facts and
other factors)
Will my child have the same
or better quality of life with the other parent?
Will my child be cared for
primarily by the other parent or stuck in a daycare or after school
program because of the parent’s work schedule?
Will my child be able to
stay in the same school district, or be provided a better schooling
experience with the other parent?
Will my child be able to
participate in the same extracurricular activities or have better activity
options with the other parent?
Will I have adequate
visitation, or will my work schedule fit in with the visitation schedule?
Is my child requesting a
custody change in order to have less discipline or a freer lifestyle, or
will the other parent act as an adequate disciplinarian as well?
Am I allowing my own
personal feelings to get in the way of what my child wants?
Answering the above questions will not be an easy task, but you must
consider the actual situation that your child will be placed in at the other
parent’s home, and not your own feelings.
Your feelings for the ex-spouse are not your child’s feelings of his/her
other parent. They are two completely different situations. You had a
relationship that ended with the person in question – whatever the reason for
the divorce, it didn’t work out. But your child will always have a relationship
with both parents – that doesn’t end just because your marriage did. So, you
have to really consider their feelings above yours in order to help guide them
through such an important decision.
This is a learning experience for both of you – and wouldn’t you rather help
your child make informed decisions than throw them to the wolves or disown them
because you can’t rise above?