If it costs less than thirty dollars a night for a room, avoid it like a
beet casserole. Think about it—going to a movie nowadays costs maybe fifteen or
twenty dollars for two people. Snacks like popcorn and cokes can easily double
that cost. Altogether, a couple could very easily spend thirty dollars or so for
a movie. Common sense tells me that any place that will let you stay overnight
for less than it costs for two people to attend a movie has got to have
something wrong with it. Maybe something major wrong with it, like a door that
won't lock, or towels that smell like a bass, or the whole place was built on
top of an ancient cannibal burial ground, or maybe something even worse. Just a
hunch, mind you, but less than thirty, it 's gotta be dirty. Go find another
one.
If a motel deliberately misspells its name, avoid it like a cash-strapped
relative. Y'all know the types I'm talkin' about—motels that have names like,
"Thriftee Inn, "Sleepee Inn" or "Holliday's Inn," or something else disgustingly
similar. The folks running those joints want you to think they' re one thing,
but, when you lay down and find that Mr. Cockroach and his family are in bed
with you, it's too late. Hard to sleep when you're perched up on top of a
nightstand for the rest of the evening.
If the lady at the front desk mentions that she does modeling or artistic
type dancing, sidetrack her by telling her how you're just recovering from a
terrible bout of the flu, complete with a week or more of one hundred degree
plus temperatures and a stomach so tender that you couldn't even hold down a
glass of water. If this doesn't deter her, and she goes on to mention her
special hourly rates for dancing sessions conducted in the privacy of your room,
tell her whatever lies you need to tell on yourself in order to extricate
yourself from the situation. Don't be proud, put your masculinity into play, act
like you're in some cult-like religious situation, do whatever's necessary.
Believe me, you'll be very glad you called a time out on your pride later on.
Watch out if a "pay per the hour" option is offered. No need to say a whole
lot more about this, but if you still go ahead and book one of these joints
you'll find that the bed in the room is in real bad shape, but the furniture is
in near perfect condition. Go figure.
If you ask about area restaurants, and the clerk only gives you the location
of the motel's vending machines, ask for your money back and leave. If they
won't give you a refund, still get in your car and go. And don't look back, in
fact, don't even think about looking back.
If the place offers adult movies on their TVs, and you decide to watch one
and it seems like the action is occurring in a room that looks a whole lot like
yours, consider writing off the rest of the evening, packing up, and quickly
riding on down the road. If you don't, not only might you become an accidental
adult film star, but you might also discover that some of these "reality based"
adult films feature three bag haints (Juliette, Georgia-ese for super ugly
people) that not only shouldn't be filmed, but probably shouldn't even be
allowed outdoors in the daylight. Just my opinion, though.