You may not know right off the bat what the word “limerence” means – but if you’ve ever had a relationship, you’ve experienced it. Limerence is the first stage of love, responsible for that gushy feeling you get, the butterflies in your stomach, and the constant, even intrusive, thoughts and fantasies of your beloved. The term was first coined in the late seventies by Dorothy Tennov, a professor of psychology at the University of Bridgeport in Connecticut. You could call it infatuation – it’s similar – but that word tends to suggest immaturity and a lack of seriousness; limerence happens to anyone, at any age, and it certainly feels serious to the person experiencing it. This stage can last anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years, and some people make the mistake of jumping into marriage at the limerence stage, thinking that because they feel such strong yearnings for this person, they must be “The One.” Then when the honeymoon is over and the limerence dies down, the couple thinks that since they no longer feel for one another what they used to, their relationship is a lost cause.
It isn’t only limerence that comes and goes in the course of a relationship; love has many stages, and this is something that successful couples understand and deal with. As each person changes over the years, which he or she inevitably will, so does the partnership. How much it changes depends on the outside variables of everyday life – work, children, etc. – but you can bet that your love won’t always be exactly the same as it was when it was fresh and new. Charles Collier, married to his wife Elsie for sixty-five years, phrased it this way: “Some days, loving someone is a choice.” You won’t always feel giddy when you look at your mate; in fact, sometimes you may feel too aggravated to look at him at all. Love, like the ocean, has a natural ebb and flow pattern – and just because it might be in its ebbing phase doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It’s important to learn to go with the flow, and not give up on your commitment too soon.
They take breaks from one another.
Contrary to what movies and romance novels may portray, committed couples aren’t together twenty-four hours a day; they don’t want to be! Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean you have to take up permanent residence in their backside. Happy couples know that they appreciate each other more if they don’t see each other all the time. After all, if you’re never away from someone, how can you miss them?
“Taking a break” doesn’t mean going away for weeks. It can be a day or even just an hour to yourself, taking time to regroup emotionally and spiritually. Everyone needs some occasional time alone. If your partner needs to get away for a bit, don’t take it personally or lay on a big guilt trip. Consider it valuable time for you to do things you’d like to do by yourself.