It is important not to judge your ability to be a parent based on your
first reaction when you discover that you are going have to take a car
seat when you drive to the mall. Many fathers are thrilled with the
idea of cuddling and showing off a little one at Homecoming football games
only to discover later that the responsibility and the embarrassment at
school are too much to handle.
On the other hand, many girls who
eventually become excellent mothers may have initially considered adoption or
even abortion rather than facing teenage motherhood alone.
Allow
yourself and your partner the full range of emotions you might naturally feel
when you find out that life as you know it will be forever changed.
(you’ll have to extend the same courtesy to your parents soon enough). For
now, don’t focus on distracting plans, but conserve your energy for the
next important steps.
All in the Family
Very few parents are happy to find out that their teenage children are
going to be having children before they graduate. Allow your family to
express their emotions, even though it may be hard to listen to,
particularly if they blame themselves.
However, do not allow them to lash out
at your or to use harsh words. Explain to them that, above all, this is
a difficult time for you and that you would like their support, or, at
least, their consideration. Although Madonna’s music is rarely meant to
be a how-to guide, her 80s song “Papa Don’t Preach” is actually a very
sensitive model on how to broach the subject. First, she expresses
appreciation for her father’s love and attention.
She reassures him that
she is mature enough to handle life situations. Only after these two
statements does she explain the crisis, but before he can panic, she
immediately tells him her plan “I’ve made up my mind. I’m keeping my baby.”
Her approach in this song is gentle yet assertive and is worth
imitating.
Of course, your breaking the news to your parents might or might not
end with a spontaneous hug like in the video. Although you are dealing
with enough uncertainty right now, you might be surprised by your
parents’ long term reaction.
Many teenage parents endured nine months of their
parents not speaking to them only to see them spontaneously become
beaming, proud grandparents immediately after the delivery. Other teenage
parents become permanently estranged from their parents; you have to be
prepared for either possibility.
This might be a time to go to a
favorite uncle, aunt or cousin first, if they can be trusted not to spread
the news before you have the chance to tell your parents. If you have an
inkling that your parents may not be supportive, it is imperative that
you find another adult who will help you out. Without a guardian, you
might have trouble signing the papers you need and you may not be able
to receive government benefits, depending on where you live.
In short, try not to lean on your parents too much, because they
probably have their own conflicted feelings about your parenthood. They might
surprise you by backing away completely for a while, so have a game
plan if they do this. On the other hand, this is not the time to be too
proud, since you, more than adult parents, will need all the help you can
get, from money for diapers to babysitting.