Some of the most important conversations you’ll have with your teenager may
come at unexpected times, such as when you’re driving somewhere together or
cleaning out the basement. Your teenager will decide when he or she wants to
open up to you, so be ready to listen whenever that might be. Let your teenager
know that you are always ready to listen and try giving him or her the space he
or she needs. Try to avoid cornering your teenager and demanding to know what’s
on his or her mind (although scheduled family discussions may be necessary on
occasion). Like most people, teenagers need time to process what they are
thinking and feeling and can’t be rushed. Whenever possible, let conversations
between you flow naturally.
Don’t go it Alone
Enlist the help of others when trying to communicate with teenagers. Is there
a teacher, coach, or mentor in your teenager’s life who will team up with you to
help your teenager make the right choices? Sometimes even the best advice from a
parent goes unheard simply because of the source. Find another trusted adult in
your teenager’s life to help reinforce some of the messages you’ve been trying
to get across.
Is your teenager’s choice of friends a hot-button issue in your relationship?
Ask the youth leader from your church or your teenager’s basketball coach if
they would be willing to talk to your teenager about it. Although you have the
most influence in your teenager’s life, you don’t have to be the only influence.
Don’t be discouraged if it seems like your teenagers aren’t listening to what
you have to say. Say it anyway. They absorb far more than you think.
The W Word
Tell them why, not just what. As adolescents learn to think for themselves
the old adage "because I said so" carries less and less weight. Teenagers want
to know why you’ve reached a certain conclusion, not just what that conclusion
is. Let them in on your feelings and the process that brought you to your
decision. Treat your teenager with the respect, if not the privileges, that you
would show any adult. Telling adolescents why you feel a certain way also helps
them to see you as a real person with your own emotions and fears. As you become
an individual to your teenager with your own needs and feelings instead of just
another faceless authority figure in their lives, they’ll be more likely to
treat you with the respect you desire.