Being prepared for a situation is much better than colliding head on with a crisis. A plan is always better than no plan at all; but, plans don’t always work.
Imagine this scenario: you meet the man or woman of your dreams – they are tender, kind, loving, responsible and love your kids. You are excited about the new life you two will create, and raising each other’s children is a wonderful thought. You have been working on building a relationship with his/her child already – and it is going well. Then, all of a sudden you are married and have a monster on your hands. He doesn’t listen to you, won’t look or speak to you, won’t even say goodbye when it is time for the child to go to the other parent’s house. What went wrong?
A couple of things. First, you weren’t married to their mommy or daddy when you met, so you weren’t around all of the time. You weren’t considered a threat. Another issue could be the other parent. If your step-child lives with the other parent and visits a couple of times a month, then they are heavily under the influence of the parent they live with. That isn’t always a bad thing, but it is when the other parent feels insecure.
It’s hard to believe that grown adults would put thoughts into the heads of their children; but unfortunately many do. This is something, that as a step-parent, you will have to learn to deal with.
While you are not biologically the child’s parent, you do play a very important parenting role in his life. Over time, hopefully the other parent will realize this, but don’t count your eggs before they hatch.
These sorts of issues will always be around, but there are ways to build your relationship with the child:
Discuss your ideals and discipline rules up front. Either before the marriage or within the first week of the marriage, the household should hold a family meeting. Discuss exactly what is expected from the children, as well as from your spouse and you. Explain the chores everyone is expected to do, and the consequences when something isn’t done right or when someone gets in trouble at school. You can post the rules and chore lists in a central location so they seen and understood by all. Doing this ensures that everyone is on the same page, and you are able to answer any questions the children may have. But, be sure to live by these rules. If you break a few, your credibility will go south, and it is hard to get back.