Once you have discussed the situation with your child, talking to your ex
should be a breeze, or not.
This is an awkward situation – you, being the custodial parent, may feel
rejected on all fronts. Maybe you didn’t want the divorce to begin with, your
life was thrusted into chaos and struggle once the divorce occurred and now
your child that you have sole custody, and most times sole responsibility for,
wants to live with the enemy. So, you have to get into the right mind frame
before this discussion ensues.
Call your ex and arrange a time to sit down and privately discuss your
child’s desire for the new living arrangement. It is best to schedule this a
few days after the discussion with your child in order to prepare yourself.
Meet at a neutral location – either of your homes is not appropriate because
neither should have a higher ground or home field advantage – somewhere public
but that allows private discussions.
Then, a day or so before the meeting will take place – get it all out. Talk
to your friends, family, pastor – someone – and tell them about how you feel.
They will be a great sounding board, plus remind you that this is about your
child, not your ex. Doing this may prevent an unnecessary fight to occur during
the meeting.
During the meeting, ask your ex the exact questions you asked your child and
yourself. Ask him/her to be completely honest about how this potential new
living situation will affect his/her life, their child’s life and your life.
Is this what he/she wants? What are the plans for schooling, extracurricular
activities or discipline? Will the new living arrangement disrupt his/her work
schedule? Can he/she support the visitation agreement? All of these questions
must be answered before your child can just uproot and begin a new life.
If tension arises (and it probably will) please remind each other that the
reason for the discussion is to make a very important decision about your
child’s living arrangements. This is not he said she said – you two cannot
focus on what either of you have done wrong as a parent or a spouse – the focus
has to be about the child.
If you feel you are unable to conduct such a meeting, then find a mediator
to conduct it for you. This allows an objective person to control the
conversation and remind each of you why this conversation is important. There
are several divorce counselors that offer mediation services, check your local
phone book or conduct an internet search.
Bottom line – when the two of you walk away from the situation, a decision
will have been made. Either the ex can support this new living arrangement, or
they can’t – but let them be the one to tell you. Remember – you came into this
conversation with the idea that he or she could be a full-time parent – you
wouldn’t be here if you questioned their parenting skills or living situation.
It’s time to accept the change and support your child’s decision.