Many step-parents don’t understand why the step-child is still reacting hatefully toward them after they’ve tried everything for a month or two. It takes time. You cannot give up on a child because of the situation. Try again and again, over and over until it hurts. A child can see if you have thrown in the towel, and while they may feel some satisfaction regarding the situation, it does break their hearts as well.
Here are a few suggestions for what to do when faced with hard situations:
The other parent is saying bad things about you. This sort of thing is mean, and can break a person’s heart – especially if they are trying so hard to be a good step-parent. Don’t feed into this. The only reason why the other parent is doing this is to get back at the spouse, and ruin your relationship with their child. They are very insecure, and possibly didn’t want the divorce to begin with. Bottom line – the child will get to know you, and as they become older, will understand what the other parent is doing. It kills you now, but it will get better. Ignore the ugly words from the ex, and be sure to correct misinformation the child tells you that their parent said. Don’t say anything terrible about the other parent, take the high road. A good way to give the correction is “I understand that your mom/dad may think that about me, but that is not who I am. You know that. I love you and would never hurt you. They have a right to their opinion.” Always end the conversation with “your mother/father loves you a lot.” It may kill you to stick up for the ex-spouse, but it shows the child that you don’t have ill will towards the person they love.
The step-child is always angry with you. A couple of things – this happens to biological parents once their child reaches puberty, so don’t get so bent out of shape; and they have a right to express their opinions too. This too is a hair pulling experience. It is okay if the child is angry with you, but probe them for the reason why. Have a discussion – “I know you are angry with me, but I want to better understand why. Can you tell me?” is a great way to start off. Usually, kids can’t come up with a logical explanation, or they go back to the tried and true “you broke my parents up.” This is your time to explain to them that your actions weren’t meant to hurt them, but you are sorry if they did. Ask them how you both can make it better. Showing the child that you are a team makes them feel secure, and will definitely help in the long run.