Howard Markman, Ph.D., head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, said in a report to the National Institutes of Mental Health, "The quality of the couple's communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success." He went on to add, "Many people believe that the causes of marital problems are the differences between people and problem areas such as money, sex, and children. However, our findings indicate it is not the differences that are important, but how these differences and problems are handled, particularly early in marriage."
So what does this mean for the successful couples? They’ve learned the problem-solving and communication skills necessary to effectively manage the negative emotions that sometimes arise in a relationship. In short, they know how to argue productively.
If there’s an issue that you need to work out with your partner, you’ll get the best results if you approach it at a time when things are good. If you approach the issue in a time when you’re already snippy with each other over something, or one of you is in a bad mood, you’ll just end up bickering and going around in circles, not really solving anything. Since the real purpose of arguing is to eventually come to an agreement, you’ll need to put your listening ears on – don’t just dominate the conversation. You should allow your mate to express thoughts and feelings about the situation without interruption. In turn, you should receive the same courtesy. And be completely honest when you’re discussing something important. Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind – and conversely, don’t think you can read his! Don’t tell him what he thinks; he should be the one telling you.
When discussing a problem, keep it confined to the topic at hand. So often we tend to get defensive and start pointing fingers and dredging up past wrongs. A couple may start out to discuss their financial difficulties, but I can guarantee that if the discussion starts getting heated, it will somehow segue into a rant about the time he was seen at the bar with another woman, or about how she nags and nitpicks. It is very easy to just let it all come out, but in order to constructively discuss something you’ll have to stick to one issue at a time. Which means you’ll have to keep any possible emotional flare-ups in check.