The step-child won’t talk to you at all. This is the most frustrating of situations – picture a child who won’t look you in the eye, and when asked to tell you something by the other parent, shies away into the parents arm. He/she is obviously avoiding you for some reason. A lot of step-parents give up here, but don’t. Depending on the child’s age (if he is younger this may take a little longer to grow out of) and personality, he will definitely grow out of it with time. Instead of feeding into the indifference, or what you take as indifference, don’t act any different. Still look at the child when you are talking to him, address him just as much, if not more – this give you the opportunity to probe conversation – and explain your feelings. Letting them know that when they react that way really hurts your feelings and makes you feel alone, they may express what is bothering them too.
And a few things to avoid all together:
Don’t ever fight with the ex. When things get heated, it may be your disposition to confront the other person. If that person happens to be the ex of your spouse, don’t do it. This can only lead to bigger problems in the future. Grit your teeth and bear it. Keep in mind that you aren’t required to have contact with them, so don’t.
Don’t ever say “I hate you”. No matter how hard it is to deal with your step-child, no matter how bad they are – never, never, never tell them you hate them. Not only will you sound like a 5 year old, but you can’t take that back once it’s been said.
Don’t ask them to call you mom. It isn’t your place to request a title to be called. If they decide to call you mom, that is their choice to make, not yours.
Don’t put your spouse in the middle. Any sort of riff in a family comes with its stress, but don’t make your spouse fight for you. Your relationship with his son or daughter is just that – yours. You can discuss the difficulties or issues and get his insight, but don’t make him fight your battles. This will only be an added stress, and possibly cause distance in your relationship.