It has been an age-old quandary. Why do children seem to “change” when they hit that magical number of 13? At the same time, many parents go into “freeze mode” and start counting the years until this apparent phase is over.
It may seem like a complicated concept, but teenagers need a parent’s respect even more at this time than at any other time. Many people at this point will say something such as “oh, he knows I love him!” But love and respect aren’t necessarily synonymous, and we shouldn’t assume the child knows that.
It’s tough to show respect when someone has nothing to do but roll eyes and verbalize how little the parent knows, but it is a very vital aspect to the self-esteem of any teenager.
Play a Mind Game with Yourself
When it seems as if there is no way to understand your teen, try to take a moment to play the “oh yes, I remember when” game. The game is simple, merely think back to when you were a teenager. Remember how it felt when our parents told us that we couldn’t wear what classmates were wearing? Remember when our parents had nothing good to say about the friends we chose? While remembering these things, we also need to recall how those things felt. They hurt. Few parents will want to destroy their children in those ways purposely.
Remember how it felt when an adult criticized a choice we made when we were teenagers? It isn’t a complicated thing to tell our teen that we respect his or her opinion. We don’t have to agree with it or pretend to agree with it because it’s perfectly fine to add “but I don’t agree with it.”
Could it Be True?
Although the first instinctive answer to the accusation of “you’re not listening to me!” is usually “yes, I am listening” are you sure about that? We were pretty convinced, and maybe still are, that our parents weren’t genuinely listening and trying to see our views on matters. Could it in any way be true? Test it. Listen to your teen and then ask questions and clarify things you aren’t sure.
When a child is most unlovable is when he needs to love the most. It indeed isn’t just valid for younger children. It applies to our teens as well. Love and respect are not synonymous, but they are both critical. Tell your teen “I love you” and let him or her prove to you that they can be trusted. It will be doing both the teenager and yourself a huge favor. After all, isn’t it when someone starts believing us that we try very hard not to abuse that trust?
Because I Said So? No!
Do not try to close subjects with that old standby and cop-out of “because I said so.” It just doesn’t work, and it touches what was discussed here earlier, that we need to give reasons for things we request. Fairness plays a big part in respect.
It seems to us as if things we say to teens, they often ignore it, but it is not true. They hear us, just as the parent speaking to them remembers things told to them in their teen years. And they remembered. They will pretend they don’t hear, but don’t let that fool you.
In Closing, and Recap
- Remember to listen. A gift of time is often the most precious.
- Remember that they don’t like hearing the words “Because I said so” any better than we ever wanted it.
- Remember the horrible feeling in the pit of our stomach when someone said harsh words about the friends we chose or us.
- Remember how words like “great job!” sound to us.
- Remember how good a hug feels.
- Remember how it felt when we thought that our parents didn’t understand us and most likely never would.