Somewhere in the darkness of night, a mother and baby, snuggling belly-to-belly, stir from sleep simultaneously. Mother moves Baby to her breast, and Baby begins to nurse. Both drift back to sleep, and in the morning, neither will remember any disturbance. Father, lying nearby, continues sleeping, uninterrupted.
This scenario can and does happen, every night, in every country in the world, even the United States. Perhaps at some point, you have been frazzled and sleep-deprived, running back and forth to your baby’s room in the middle of the night attending to his cries and wondered, “What in the world does he expect from me?” The answer lies in the above scenario. It is nature’s cure for the sleepless period many Western parents experience after childbirth, and it is called co-sleeping.
Sometimes known as “bed-sharing” or “the family bed,” co-sleeping is a practice as old as our species. We can define it as a child (especially an infant) sharing a sleeping space with an adult (especially his mother). How did such a natural practice fall into such disfavour in Western culture? And more importantly, why does it appear to be making a comeback?
Who Practices Co-Sleeping?
The answer is, almost every family, at some point. If you’ve ever taken a fussy or sick child to bed with you, you have experienced co-sleeping. If your children don’t start out in your bed but are there by morning, that is also co-sleeping. In fact, some consider co-sleeping to include even sharing a bedroom with a baby or child.
Western culture dictates that children should sleep in their beds in their rooms, but in most cultures, co-sleeping is the standard practice. In fact, mothers and babies sleeping together are the cultural norms for about 90% of the world’s population! Mothers in Asia and Africa think nothing of bringing their babies to bed, and many consider the Western practice of isolating infants in “cages” and banishing them to another room to be quite cruel.
A Historical Perspective
Since the beginning of our species, human families have shared sleeping spaces out of necessity, for comfort, safety, and warmth. The infant child of a caveman left apart from his parents for the night may very well have not lived till morning, perishing in the cold, or getting carried away by some predator. The baby’s cry when left alone served as an adaptive reminder to Mom and Dad, “Don’t forget about me! I’m completely helpless and defenceless without you!” And the intense emotional response that cries evoked by his mother also served a purpose. She felt a deep need to soothe him and protect him from danger.
In the United States and most of the civilised world today, a baby left in a crib at night is in no danger. However, since we humans have not evolved since ancient times, our babies are born programmed with the same instincts and fears that allowed our species to survive. There is nothing we can say during the daytime to explain to an infant that he will be safe at night. His only comfort is the constant closeness of a loving caregiver.
Throughout most of history and even today, in most societies, babies are considered to be natural extensions of their mothers. People did not question their need to be with Mother (or another loving caregiver) day and night. Solitary infant sleep and sleep training are unique to our culture, and only about two hundred years old.
Parents sharing sleep spaces with infants and children first fell out of favour in Western culture during the 1800s, when a “sterile” approach to raising children began to be advocated by doctors and so-called experts. Coincidence or not, this occurred at the same time when people develop germ theories first, and people thought that eliminating human contact was the ideal state for preventing disease. During this time, mothers were advised that to keep their children from becoming “spoiled,” they should refrain from too much cuddling and kissing. Babies were expected to be “trained” to sleep on their own.
And the trend continued. The formula, first invented for infants who could not be breastfed, soon became standard for all babies. Bottles replaced Mother’s breasts, carriages replaced Mother’s arms, and cribs replaced Mother’s warm bed. With the arrival of these new inventions came a host of previously new complaints. What could you do with the “clingy” baby who wanted you to near all the time? The baby that could not learn to soothe himself to sleep alone in his crib? The adaptations that previously allowed the infant to survive now earned him the label of a “difficult” child.
Why is Co-Sleeping Taboo? Dispelling the Myths
Today, from our culture co-sleeping is wholly removed that people see it as an aberration – something to distrust and fear. Despite the absence of any correlation, people blame co-sleeping for homosexuality, overdependence, SIDS, and neuroses of all kinds.
- Myth #1: All babies must learn to sleep on their own. It is not a fact, but an opinion, and one you may or may not share. Why must babies learn to sleep alone? As with every parenting decision you will be called on to make, the choice of where your child should sleep should be yours alone, and it should be on a careful examination of both sides of the issue.
- Myth #2: Children allowed to sleep with their parents are less independent. Most co-sleeping parents and many doctors and psychologists would attest that the opposite is true. Having their needs met and nighttime fears allayed reduces stress and allows children to focus on other aspects of their development. Confident that their needs will continue to meet, co-sleeping children are generally better adjusted and even perform better in school.
- Myth #3: Children allowed to sleep with their parents will never sleep alone. Never? Rest assured that as your co-sleeping child ages, he will eventually decide to leave the parental bed. Left alone, it will happen naturally when the child is ready. If your readiness comes before your child’s, you may be able to convince him to try solo sleeping with rewards or gentle persuasion. It is true that a young child with nighttime needs may be hesitant to give up his first-class sleeping situation. You may feel encouraged to know that parents who believe in co-sleeping change their minds or their habits with subsequent children.
- Myth #4: Parents who sleep with their children are guilty of sexual abuse. For modern-day Americans, the idea of the bed seems inextricably intertwined with sexual associations. Everyone knows that “sleeping with” someone involves more than getting a good night’s rest. Perhaps we are afraid that social stigma and pedophilic accusations may result. In actuality, though, co-sleeping serves to protect your child from nighttime sexual abuse. A sexual predator has less access to a child who spends the night safely in his parents’ bed than one who is sure to be found sleeping alone.
- Myth #5: Parents who sleep with their children don’t have as much sex. Untrue. Co-sleeping parents are not celibate but have just put their children’s nighttime needs above their need for unrestricted sexual access. There are other places for sex besides the marital bed. Some couples find that the creativity required to find places to have intercourse while co-sleeping adds spice to their sex life.
- Myth #6: Co-sleeping causes SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). To the contrary, co-sleeping may help to prevent SIDS! First of all, co-sleeping promotes breastfeeding, and breastfed babies are less likely to die from SIDS. Also, SIDS is much less common in countries where co-sleeping is the norm (for example, Asian countries), although sometimes these infants may otherwise have more risk factors. When Asian families move to the United States and adopt Western parenting practices, their babies’ incidence of SIDS increases to a level similar to that of American babies.
Theories abound as to the reason for the protective nature of co-sleeping, but some believe that stimulation may prevent the failure of SIDS infants to take that next breath from the movement of a live bed partner. Co-sleeping babies deep sleep a little when SIDS deaths may be more likely to occur. Also, sleep studies have shown that when a mother and baby sleep side by side, their breathing rhythms tend to synchronise. Finally, the carbon dioxide exhaled by the mother may stimulate the baby to breathe.
For whatever reason, co-sleeping appears to have a protective effect against SIDS deaths. The basis for this myth might be a problem called “overlying,” which has been the subject of speculation and rumour for the last two centuries. Parents are warned not to sleep with their children because they might roll over on top of them and suffocate them. A century ago, what we now know is people may have to blame SIDS on overlying. In general, mothers do not roll on top of their babies and suffocate them for the same reason adults do not often go out of bed: There is a sense of the body’s location that remains even during sleep.
In reality, a healthy infant squished by adult squirms and gasps or cries, and the sleeping adult moves. The exception to this is adults who are taking sedative drugs or are otherwise impaired. We do not recommend Co-sleeping for adults who are sedated or obese, as they might be a danger to their infant bed partners. In 1999, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) issued a statement recommending against co-sleeping with a baby under age two.
It has been the subject of considerable controversy. Adult mattresses sold in the U.S. are not designed to be safe for infant sleep. To make co-sleeping safe, you must take precautions like those listed in the last section of this article.
- Myth #7: Adults who share a bed with a baby get less sleep. Who is more disturbed, the mother who must get out of bed, run to Baby’s room, pick up Baby, possibly warm a bottle, and feed the baby while sitting up, or the mother who moves merely Baby closer to her breast (before he has time to awaken and begin crying totally), and falls asleep with him by her side? Indeed, some Western parents start co-sleeping because it is the only way they can get enough sleep! An added benefit for the combination of breastfeeding and co-sleeping is that Dad is often not disturbed at all!
Co-Sleeping Benefits Parents
As stated in the above example, parents of co-sleeping infants are usually able to get more much-needed rest, because they can soothe Baby back to sleep without even getting out of bed! Crying is a late sign of infant hunger. Mothers sleeping with babies are usually aware of the early signs, and (if breastfeeding) can feed their babies without either of them having to awaken fully! Also, though some babies seem to be born with their days and nights mixed up, sleeping with others helps an infant know when it is day and when it is the night.
Co-sleeping infants and children fall asleep faster and stay asleep better. If upon awakening, a baby finds himself snuggled close to his mother, he may go back to sleep instead of crying out. Also, sleep studies have shown that mothers and babies sleeping together tend to have synchronised sleep cycles, often preventing Baby from waking Mother from a deep sleep.
Co-sleeping promotes breastfeeding. Infants who sleep next to their mothers nurse more frequently during the night than breastfeeding infants who sleep apart from their mothers, many times without the mother even remembering in the morning! Night feedings help delay the mother’s fertility from returning, which helps with natural child spacing.
Finally, parents who work during the day find co-sleeping to be a way to reconnect with their children at night. Co-sleeping can make a family feel closer, and siblings who share a sleep space quarrel less during the day.
Co-Sleeping Benefits Babies and Children
Your baby was born with good instincts. He will naturally be happier in a place he feels safer than unknown location. And right next to you is the best spot in the house! Babies do not cry to manipulate adults. They are not capable of malicious intent! They cry because an internal message tells them something is wrong. The problem may be a soiled diaper or feeling hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, tired, lonely, or just plain cranky. Your baby doesn’t know what the problem is, only that something doesn’t feel right and he needs your help. He craves your attention during the day, and he does not expect it to end when the sun goes down!
Some parents counter that sleep training works. It does, but for the wrong reasons. Your baby does not eventually stop crying out because he feels safe and secure alone in his bed. He stops crying out because he realises that it is futile, and he has given up hope of your coming to meet his need. What does he learn from this? How does it affect the groundwork for his self-esteem? Be forewarned that needs unmet in childhood have a way of manifesting later on.
You can not force independence on a child. He will move forward when he feels confident, and they gain this confidence when they know their needs will meet, day or night. Indulging your child when he is small allows him to be more independent later. Children who sleep with their parents’ are generally more confident and perform better in school.
Babies and toddlers who co-sleep are more likely to have secure attachments to their primary caregivers than those who sleep alone. They are also more likely to value relationships with people, whereas solitary sleepers often cling to security objects such as pacifiers or stuffed animals.
Finally, co-sleeping sensibly is safer for your child! He will be at less risk for SIDS. You will protect him from intruders and sexual predators. And if a fire breaks out or disaster strikes, you will be better able to speed him to safety.
How to Practice Safe Co-Sleeping
Co-sleeping is not safe in every situation, and it must be practised sensibly according to safety guidelines.
- Choose a firm mattress that fits tightly in its frame. Babies should not lie on soft bedding (in cribs or adult beds), because of the risk of suffocation. Also, there should be no space between the mattress and bed frame, to prevent entrapment.
- Remove pillows, quilts, comforters, and other soft items from the bed. Never co-sleep on a couch, waterbed, pillow-top mattress. When Baby is very young, if he finds himself face-down on soft bedding, he will not be able to move his head or roll over, and he may suffocate. Dress him warmly (but monitor his temperature during the night), and do not add soft items to the bed until they no longer present a danger to him.
- Never co-sleep with a baby if you are obese, taking a sedative or mind-altering drugs, or are severely sleep-deprived. You may be less aware of your body during sleep and roll on top of your baby. If you sleep too slowly, you might consider keeping your baby in a “sidecar,” bed that attaches to an adult mattress, to prevent such an occurrence.
- Never allow an infant to sleep with a sibling, babysitter, or pet. The safest co-sleeping occurs when Baby lies between Mother and a wall or particular guardrail. Others may be less aware of Baby during the night.
- Don’t allow Baby to sleep with anything that might wrap around his neck or body during the night. Examples include bottom sheets that do not fit tightly, curtain cords, long strings on sleepwear (his or yours), or even your long hair (tie it back).
- Make sure that your bed has no crevices or headboard cutouts that could entrap your baby. A bed pushed against a wall should be checked nightly to make sure there is no space between the mattress and the wall. If using a side rail, use one made of safe meshwork to prevent suffocation if your baby should be pushed into it, and make sure there is no space to entrap your baby between the side rail and mattress.
- Childproof the room you and your baby sleep in, and keep the door closed or locked so Baby cannot enter other rooms. Though you most likely will awaken if your baby gets out of bed, you should be ready for the possibility of his escape!
- If you do not feel comfortable sleeping with Baby by your side, consider a side-car arrangement, or merely placing Baby’s bed in your room. Your baby receives many benefits of co-sleeping from sleeping close to you.