You learn many important survival lessons as a college freshman. For example, the super-sized wart on your toe (you know, the one right beside your yellowed flaky toenail) is a clear indication to you that shower shoes are not an option, they are a necessity. However, you soon realize that showering is optional, especially when you are late for an 8:00am Biology 101 exam. So you walk into your class rocking a pair of Spongebob pajama pants (their unique odor only adds to their appeal), and ace the exam. Then you’re back at the dorm for your first shower in two days (with flip-flops), pull on those booty jeans for a night of celebration, and...?!! No, it was not your questionable laundry skills which shrunk your sexy jeans; it’s the dreaded Freshman Ten!!!(Insert appropriate horror movie music here)

How do you avoid the dreaded Ten (Twenty, or Thirty!!)? Well, my friend, by using that brain that got you into school in the first place. Delve deep into your common sense and keep your health afloat! Here are the three commandments of svelte college men and women everywhere.

Thou Shalt Not Skip Meals

So your university probably man-handled you or your parents into purchasing the Super Solid Gold (a.k.a. The Most Expensive) meal plan. This is a blessing in disguise my friends! You can eat at every meal without the bother of cooking it yourself. You will never be hungry and your hips will not suffer.

When you skip a meal your body says “Like, I think I’m gonna starve because I’m a primordial fat-retaining machine, or whatever, so, like I’m gonna keep my next meal as fat just in case.” This is bad. People who skip breakfast or other important meals consume more calories per day than people who eat every meal. Eat a small meal even if you are not hungry, you’ll prevent a crazed call to Pizza Hut 3 hours later.

Eat 3 healthy meals a day plus 2 snacks. Each meal should be about 500 calories (400 for women), each snack 200 calories (150 for women). Make sure half your calories are from carbs (whole grains, fruits, and vegetables), about 30% protein, and 20% fat (try to eat good fats like olive oil, nuts, avocado). If you are an athlete, you may need to consume more calories, so talk to your trainer and/or coach for nutrition advice.

There is only one exception to this commandment: skip the midnight snack. Try not to eat after about 8 or 9pm each night. Eating a meal high in carbs and fat right before you go to bed is disaster for the diet. You don’t burn too many calories passed out on that extra-long twin bed. You’ll gain wait faster than a sorority girl racks up the credit card bill. If you absolutely must eat during that midnight cramming session, microwave an individual serving sized bag of air-popped fat-free popcorn. It will satisfy the munchies without adding junk to your trunk.