Whether you’re in Junior High, College, or the Real World, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut. This article explains how to “make new friends and keep the old.”
Sound Familiar?
One day, you’re sitting at lunch, and you look around at your crowd, waiting. You know that Suzie is going to complain about the guy that just dumped her, Monica will crack a joke, then Natalie will groan that she ate too much. Then, it will be your turn to tell Suzie she’ll find someone else, remind Monica to be more sensitive, and insist to Natalie that she is not fat.
But today, you feel different. You don’t want to say any of that. In fact, you want to be sitting at the lunch table right next to you where the women are discussing the latest book they just read and a trip to Cancun.
So, when it’s your turn to speak, you don’t say anything. Your friends wait – the conversation halts. It feels like there’s been a breach in rhythm in Beethoven’s Fifth and because you can’t take the confusion in the eyes of your friends, you decide to say your lines.
The Comfort Factor
There’s something to be said for comfort.
Everyone has friends that they’ve been friends with forever and that’s one of their main draws – familiarity. Most marriages eke towards that brand of love, and of course, the same thing happens with your children, and that’s okay.
So, embrace that part of yourself. There are friends and family members that you will never want to let go! After all, you don’t have to throw away everything in the closet to buy a new pair of shoes.
But what about those friends where the comfort has turned into agonizing boredom? Read on.
Cleaning Out the Friendship Closet
Too much clutter can make things messy. Just like friends, to make room for the new, you have to let go of some of the old.
“I couldn’t do that!” you say.
Inside, though, you do know that there are at least one of your “friends” that you could live a thousand years without ever talking to again.
How to Dump Your Friends
Well, don’t panic. You don’t have to dump them right away – this is not a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, it’s a weed-out process.
Here’s how you decide who needs to go:
- Decide what friend makes you feel worse instead of better. You know, always has something negative to say about your hair, your clothes, your family.
- Notice who you hesitate to pick up the phone.
- Figure out what friend you feel exhausted after seeing – they drain you of your joy, secrets, and can-do spirit.
Starting to recognize these faux friends? Time to say goodbye – slowly.
Here’s how:
- Every time your negative friend says something cruel to you, end the conservation at that moment. If you’re on the phone, tell them you have another call. If you’re at lunch, “remember” an appointment you forgot. When this “friend” loses their opportunity to put you down, it’s a sure bet they’ll lose interest in you, too!
- If there’s someone you don’t want to speak with on the phone, that’s a reliable indicator that there’s something better you should be doing with your time. So, once you get the message, wait a day before returning their call. Next time, wait two days, and so on. Without even knowing you are dumping them, your friend will find other people to call!
- If you feel tired after seeing someone, this person is draining the valuable resources that you need to make other friends! So, with this person, become a Polite Plan Breaker. Break your plans a day before they’re supposed to happen. Do it politely and wait for them to say they want to reschedule. Put off the reschedule for at least a week and then go. Avoid making plans for at least two weeks after that, cancel, then postpone for another two and so on. Before you know it, you’ll be seeing less of this draining friend, not more!
How to Find New Friends
Potential friends are everywhere! Here’s how to find them.
- Make a list of all the things that are unique about you-you own a rare breed of dog; you have an obsession with Gucci, you like to play Scrabble. It will be a guide to clubs or activities you should take part in to meet new people.
- Start going out to the bookstore, movies, or the theatre alone. Just like getting a date, you’re much more approachable on your own.
- Volunteer to be a greeter at a department store, museum, or any social activity. As the job description implies, you have to say hello to everyone who walks in. What better way to start talking to strangers?
That brings us
How to Make New Friends
Just like asking someone out on a date, striking up a friendship can be awkward. Here are some fool-proof tips for making friends with the people you want.
- Make the first move. If you meet someone you’re interested in getting to know better, approach with a warm smile, extend your hand, and introduce yourself.
- Ask questions and be interested in the other person. If you get drawn to them because of their excellent choice of dress, compliment it. If you see someone looking at an exciting book, ask them about it! People love to talk regarding what excites them.
- Get their number. Say, “It was fun chatting with you. I can’t wait to tell my wife, husband, boyfriend, etc. I met an interesting person. Can I get your card?” That way, you’ve opened the door for future communication while establishing that you’re not interested in them for the wrong reasons.
You will get rejected and often, it will have little or nothing to do with you. Everyone’s had a day where they’re overwhelmed by life and too busy juggling friendships of their own. But if you persist, eventually you will find someone looking for what you are – that fun connection.
How to Build Friendships
Okay, you’ve met some lovely people and collected some numbers. What do you do now?
- Maintain contact. Once a week, shoot your new friends a quick phone call or e-mail. Stop worrying about whether or not they like you; it’s whether or not you like them. After all, your goal is to meet a lot of great people!
- Do nice things. If someone has a birthday, send a card. If you read an article that matches your friend’s unique interest, pass it along.
- Plan group activities. Group activities are the best for building relationships. It takes the pressure off everyone involved, and if the conversation lags, you start talking to someone else for awhile. So plan a lunch and invite a handful of your new friends!
New Friends and Old
By now, you’ve gotten to know some new people and have decided who you like and who you’d instead not get close. So, it’s time to mix them into your group!
- Plan a cheese and wine party at your house. Make a third of the party new people and be sure to introduce everyone to each other.
- Select friends that have unique things in common. Invite an old friend and a new friend to an activity with you.
- Ask your new friends if they have friends they think you should meet.
Friendship Overload
What a great problem! You now have more friends than you know what to do with – and you didn’t even win the lottery.
Just be sure to make time for yourself in the midst of your new social life. After all, a fascinating, interested person always makes a good friend!